Indigo Tries the Lust Arts Unicorn Horn!

9 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a Sex on the Beach. I do mean the drink, but also the act. It’s a little bit magical and full of fruity goodness.

This toy was sent to me by Lust Arts, and you can purchase it here. It ranges from $40 USD to $130 USD at time of posting. Prices vary based on color choice and size choice.

A photo of the Lust Arts Unicorn Horn. It sits on a dirt patch, with wheat growing around it. In the background is a majestic blue sky.

This is part of my series: Sex Toys in National Parks.

A few months ago, I was approached by Lust Arts not just for reviews, but also for some consulting. As we know, I love to work with companies that are willing to pay and pay fairly. When I was politely approached by them, I happily sent my rates and since then, my interactions with them have been nothing but pleasant and lovely. It is rare to find a company so forward, transparent and willing to work with small bloggers like me (though I acknowledge I am not as small as I used to be).

I am here to talk about one specific toy; the Unicorn Horn. But I highly recommend checking out Lust Arts for any variety of their toys.

When I started blogging, I saw Split Peaches and the unicorn horns they make, but I wasn’t as excited about them. I liked them as an idea, yes. But they seemed a bit cartoon-like and I wasn’t as interested in the candy aesthetic. However, the idea was delightful, and I longed for a more grown up version of a unicorn horn dildo. Lust Arts delivered, describing their own horns as “high fantasy” and I cannot disagree. When I saw the Rainbow Agate color, I was very excited about the possibilities. But in the end, I chose the “Sunlight” option. The gold base is perfectly paired with a pearly white horn. This made my inner small girl scream.

Story Time! As a kid, I loved unicorns. I had a set of paper plates and cups that had unicorns on them for a birthday party. When the day came, I hid them in my room because I didn’t want them to get ruined with food. They sat in my dresser for years before they finally got tossed. This is how much I loved unicorns.

So when I saw the Sunlight coloring, what else could I do, but fulfill all my girlhood dreams of owning my own unicorn that would love me unconditionally and make all my dreams come true?

Well, this toy is certainly a new favorite of mine. I won’t lie; a good portion of that love comes from the novelty of having a truly majestic look to it. It’s detailed and angled in a beautiful way that reminds me of the novels I read growing up. However, this toy is also a really great toy to use.

Personally, I have the largest size because I am size royalty. The Screamer size is 8″ insertable and up to a 2.3″ diameter at the base. All sizes have the measurements posted for all toys on the Lust Arts website, which is another reason I love them, but I digress. When I received this, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to take all of the toy. However, I proved myself wrong quickly, and I genuinely think it has to do with the shape of the toy. The gradual increase of the diameter from .85″ to 2.3″ is wonderful for training. I have even used this in my ass, and as a result, I can take even bigger toys than before. It has the perfect gradient for stretching, which means I’ll probably use this toy for others as well, if I ever get the privilege of helping someone train a hole.

Now, aside from being a convenient shape, how does this dildo feel? Well I will admit that a few people may not like the shape of this. Some folks find cone shapes to be boring. Personally, I genuinely love the feeling of being stretched, so I love this toy for that reason. However, I think that this particular dildo has a better chance of being enjoyable than others, even if you don’t like cone shapes. The horn is so textured that it prevents the shape from being boring, even around the smaller end. I can feel the differences in the spirals and I enjoy using this toy, even if I don’t insert it all the way. If you like stretching, don’t be afraid to get a bigger size!

Because I love firm toys so much, I definitely got the firmest silicone I could. However, I also love how squishy this toy is, and I believe even the softer silicone would be a joy to use. Additionally, there is an option for custom colors. When considering the color, size and shore all come with variable option, this dildo is extremely versatile.

The Lust Arts Unicorn horn sits in a dirt patch right in front of a green tree root. In the immediate background is a stream. It's a beautiful wooded scene with moss and ferns.

How could I not? This stream was magical.

As some of my readers may know, I’ve been living on the road for about two months now. This was one of the toys I brought with me, and not just because I had to do this review. This toy is easy to clean, and easy to use. I even use it without breaking out my lube samples because it inserts so easily. Rest assured, that this toy travels well and will be coming with me when I travel again.

Over all, I love this toy. The aesthetic of it is a perfect blend of my childhood dreams and my adult desires. I love how it feels, and how easy it is to use and clean. I genuinely love the company that makes this toy and the owner is respectful and lovely to work with. I cannot wait to see more from them, and I think this toy has potential for a lot of people to enjoy it. And those COLORS.

This toy was sent to me by Lust Arts, and you can purchase it here. It ranges from $40 USD to $130 USD at time of posting. Prices vary based on color choice and size choice.

Indigo is a Bottom!

10 out of 10 (for me, anyway)

Pairs nicely with a daiquiri. It’s sweet, smooth, and most of the time, it’s fruity.

Last week, I had sex with a new partner, and this interaction turned out to be really good for me, for a lot of reasons. You can read about the fun times I had, but right now I want to focus on one of the main thoughts that I pulled from this from this interaction, which was a simple sentence: “Reciprocity is subjective.”

Now, my companion said this the in the morning morning as we cuddled and chatted about the sex the night before. He complimented the noises I made, and my giggle, and how hot it was when I squirted. Of course, I giggled though this and was elated at the positive attention. I mentioned that I get extremely wrapped up in my own body and sensations, which makes me less like to reciprocate actions. Usually, you don’t want something in my mouth while I’m being pleasured because I lose focus. 69 is…not the best sex act for me to perform, honestly.

And then he dropped that bit of wisdom, and if I had been more awake, or less in post-morning-orgasm-bliss, I would have talked a lot about how that exact line affected me. Honestly, maybe it’s a good thing because he would have kicked me out for all my chatting at 5 AM. Because in all honesty, it revolutionized how I think about sex, and specifically my style of sex.

Since I’ve been having sex, I’ve been primarily a bottom. One ex has even described be as a “power bottom.” I don’t disagree with this statement. I have something weird with my sense of touch. Sometimes, the sensations I feel take over whatever I’m doing and I lost all autonomy. I very often don’t know what to do with myself during an orgasm, which has in the past ended in me chewing up shirt collars, sheets, pillows, or partners. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not sure my partners would want to hear that. I’ve always experienced tactile sensations this way; they permeate my being. I touch things that I like to look at to make sure they feel as good as they look. I feel pain from where it happens to all over my body. This makes me good at communicating what I like, though I can’t always make my mouth work fast enough once the sex starts. It makes me good at edging myself. It makes me a great receiver for pain, pleasure, and every sensation between or around those.

However, when my partner described me as a power bottom, I was worried this title meant it such that I never fulfill others’ needs in the bedroom. I am consistently worried about being a good service submissive, and making sure my Doms or Daddies are happy. To be called a power bottom unraveled everything I thought of myself. I think I’ve honestly struggled with this particular statement for years.

So what do I offer in bed? Well, I’ve been told I’m good. I even wrote a post about how good I am. But I always have a doubt in the back of my mind that it’s all beautiful lies. Perhaps all my partners just say I’m good to placate me. Perhaps they all fake their orgasms. Though I enjoy giving and I do perform many physical acts with (and for) my partners, I do often remember the times that I have received acts more clearly. Those are the moments that I really focus on when I’m writing erotica or masturbating. Because those are the acts that linger in my memories, does that mean that receiving is all I do? Does it mean that my partners are left to please themselves after I’m finished with them?

Well no, and all of those thoughts are wrapped up in a complex guilt issue that I have, which is the result of years of verbal and emotional abuse. I’m constantly seeking affirmation, and now I think I can finally give that to myself. Because reciprocity is subjective. So receiving a fist, or a tongue is my way of giving. I can give someone an excellent and fulfilling time by having orgasm after orgasm. As long as that is what they want. On top of all the acts that I love being on the receiving end of, I can still talk to partners and listen to their wants and needs. I can give more blow jobs, or hand jobs. I can dirty talk more. If I don’t focus on giving a physical act naturally, that doesn’t mean I can’t change my focus. If I’m going to learn how my partner wants to be shown pleasure, I can also learn how to give them pleasure.

When someone has sex with me and decides they want to do so again, it means they enjoy what I offer. There is not a tangible or quantifiable way to measure reciprocity. My form of giving back in energy and reaction, is the same as someone giving back in blow jobs. I can now fully believe that I do “reciprocate” in sex I have. This revelation is proof that I need to be a slut more often and sleep with cool people who say cool things.

Indigo Has Drunken Sex!

Either 10 or 0 out of 10 AND NO WHERE BETWEEN THAT.

Pairs nicely with Jameson. That seems to be the typical drink of my best/worst decisions. However, it may work out better if you add in a cheap beer, rum and/or tequila. Please don’t kill yourself. I have the constitution of a 18-hand horse. You might not.

*ALSO PLEASE DRINK AND FUCK RESPONSIBLY. COERCION IS BAD. IF YOU’RE THE ONLY SOBER ONE, THAT. IS. COERCION.*

This summer, I have spent all of my time out in Colorado, living in a tent, and going to some pretty excellent drinking events. On the fourth of July, I enjoyed a particularly good party on a bit of land where the neighbors weren’t close, and there were plenty of trees to muffle our fairly loud revelry. And against all my own advice, I got extremely drunk. We played a few rounds of beer pong and I was getting good, before they passed me some whiskey, and then I was right back to being awful at it. And throughout the night, I had teased one other party-goer. Usually when I have a beer in hand, I’ll either cuss you out or kiss you. If you’re really lucky, it’s both. This guy took all the insults I threw at him with a good humor (and if I recall correctly, threw some back). Though I was too drunk to notice, I realize now that he may have been watching me for most of the night.

As the party began to wind down, I was sitting underneath some cover and watching the rain pour. He walked up and began chatting. What we talked about is a bit fuzzy now, but it was innocent enough. Until he mentioned the words “Daddy Dom” and I immediately lost my chill. Somewhere in there, he clearly stated that he thought I was attractive, and he mentioned that he was a Daddy Dom, and I mentioned that I am a Little, and the order of events is lost to time, but these things all did happen somewhere.

I didn’t know him very well, but he was being so up front and extremely sweet. I asked him if I could kiss him. He said yes, and we did kiss, which sparked the chemistry that had been gently building over the night. I now wonder if I was so drunk that I didn’t notice the chemistry until that moment. I was in a group of new people I didn’t know, and that made me nervous, so that most likely also factored into my attention span.

He sat down and we began to chat about our sex lives, what we liked and some minimal negotiation. I wanted this, and even though we were both drunk (and therefore it was technically illegal), I decided to continue anyway. I don’t usually advise this, but I know myself as a slut, and he had earlier identified as a slut. Our negotiation even covered STI status and condom usage. As a result, our consent was informed, continuous, and enthusiastic. We spent a good half an hour chatting like this, which included a lot of compliments. He basically gushed about my hips, which was pretty amazing, as I feel they are often neglected.

Now, I don’t have a type. I have had sex with people of all shapes and sizes. When I do have a type, it usually turns out to be a personality trait that I enjoy. It turns out that whiskey and half an hour of compliments is sometimes exactly my type.

Well, as I said, we were all camping, so he had a trailer to sleep in. Not like a sleeping/live-in trailer though. It was a simple box with an air mattress, which as it turns is an EXCELLENT choice, and I would 100% repeat. He has a small stature, but I was completely in love with his dick, which had the perfect size to suck, and it felt amazing in every hole (and yes, we tried them ALL).

It’s taken me almost a week to unpack this interaction. Not in a bad way, quite the opposite. I have since spent many minutes (possibly hours) just remembering the compliments, and the movements. I remember the very thoughtful way he reassured me in the morning (and yes there was morning sex, which science has proven is the most delicious kind of sex). I remember the way he touched me, and listened to what I wanted. I remember how when I asked for less movement, but more pressure, he said “Thank you,” which had never happened before. I remember how this very drunk interaction was surprisingly romantic, and incredibly respectful.

Somewhere within this contemplation, I have realized something that shocks me a little bit: I am extremely depressed. I could have seen it coming. I’m in a new place, with new people. Most of my closest friends are far away, and I’m afraid to ask for help from those I can. I have spent more than usual amounts of time by myself. I am feeling unstable. Though I love the adventure, and I would never give this up, I’m also lonely. Even that night, I was battling anxiety and depression as I always am. But this turned into an amazing experience that I’ll probably hold on to forever.

So what happened that I could actually have this amazing sex without my brain interrupting every five minutes? Well, Jameson. And Corona. And someone genuinely excited about my body. All this meant that suddenly, my loneliness and second-guessing was gone. My brain could open up and let me relax into someone else’s bed. I wasn’t worried about catching feelings or if I was clean enough (though we both mentioned showering that day) or whether my oral would be good enough. Even in all that, I am very grateful to myself that we swapped our STI statuses, and I insisted on condoms every step of the way, which did involve delaying our interaction so he could grab some from the car. The alcohol allowed me to stop checking myself, and ask for things I really wanted. It allowed me to love every sensation I received. I was able to make every noise that my body told me to. On the other hand, it didn’t strip me of my roots, or common sense. It didn’t erase the need for protection and safety.

More than that, it allowed my senses to expand a bit. When my memories became a little less fuzzy, I thought about how dark it was in that trailer. However, I could also still experience everything as full as I would in a lit room. I didn’t see it with my eyes, but I felt it with my fingertips. I heard the sounds. I expanded my limbs, finding edges, walls and his body. With this limited information, I can still reconstruct the whole thing. The part that shocks me most? I also did this in the moments I was having sex. If you aren’t impressed, you don’t understand. My brain, inebriated as it was, interpreted senses to tell me about my environment in the same or similar language as another sense, which was essentially out of commission. Brains are so amazing, y’all.

So this is more of a personal story than an educational post, but I do want to hop in while I’m on the subject, on some very important things. This one drunk interaction was good, and I’ve had a lot of similar interactions with partners and lovers. Good, relaxed sex. It fulfilled me and helped me wake up happy. It helped me through the alcohol and the endorphins prevented a complete crash (because alcohol is still a depressant, even followed up with sex).

However, I’m not perfect. I have gotten drunk and had sex that I did not enjoy. Do I regret my decisions? No. I wasn’t coerced, and the other party was also drunk. It’s a policy of mine that if I have sex while drunk, that person is a partner of mine, or they are also drunk. And I try to inform all people I drunkenly approach of this. My one negative experience of drunk sex was at a con many years ago. I drank a LOT of rum. And I do mean almost an entire handle. I spent some time at a bar in the hotel I was in, and I met someone whose name I think was Brian. I don’t remember anymore, honestly. I had cotton mouth, he had alcohol-affected dick. Later, I left his room and walked to mine. I think I left him a note, explaining that he was nice, but he snored. I have no idea if that note was legible.

I think what I mean to say is that getting laid while inebriated (or high) is pretty fun. For some people in some situations it can be good (or great). But I don’t want to downplay the importance of decisions made around sex and consent while drunk. It just so happens that this person and I both knew how to have these conversations, and wanted each other. Alcohol helped me process the positive and negatives of being out in a new place with new people, and brought an interaction I might have otherwise missed.

 

Indigo Tries the Sola Sync!

8 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a Cape Cod (vodka and cranberry). It is smooth, and a little sour. But it’s basic and easy to drink.

This toy was sent to my by my friends at Shevibe.com! It retails for about 123 USD at time of posting, and you can find it here!

A large box sits on a chair. The front of it opens out and reveals the Sola Sync. It is a purple wand with an angle in the handle. It has chrome trim and a small circular remote is beside it in the box.

The Sola Sync has been on my radar for almost a year now. I was desperate to try one when I saw them at Woodhull last year. I loved the way the handle curved and it looked like it would be amazing for someone who has arthritis or possibly carpel tunnel. I loved the color of purple it was, and the sleek lines.

So when I Shevibe offered it to me, I was delighted to accept. I love wand vibrators and I was thoroughly expecting this one to be powerful and easy to use. That angle was going to happen immediately like magic, and I was going to have so many orgasms.

When the Sync arrived, I was surprised buy how big it was. Even though I had handled it in person, the photos online made it seem so dainty and refined. When I pulled it out of the box, I was surprised that it was about the length and width of my forearm. I was even more excited about it because somehow, size equated to power in my brain. I was wrong on that count, however.

The Sync costs over $100, which all seems to go into the design and the box. When I did unbox this toy, I immediately threw away the packaging because it was just too much. I did not want all that clutter in my already crowded toy area. However, if this is the one wand vibe you own, that box would be extremely nice to keep the Sync in. This fact does not escape me, as I am aware of my reviewer status, and thus my reviewer bias. However, it does feel like a bit much for this toy.

Though I have some form of nerve damage in my wrists, which sometimes acts up around weird angles and weights, I do not have arthritis, or diagnosed carpel tunnel (though at one point, I thought that is what I had). As a result, I’m going to try and talk about this toy with these caveats in mind.

A purple box sits on a chair. On top is the Sola Sync, with a white charging cable, the remote and a white storage bag.You see, I love the angle and the sleek look of this toy, but it isn’t great for me. As I hinted above, the power of this toy is someone lack-luster. It is not buzzy in my opinion, but it isn’t a very powerful rumble. I am, however a power slut. So if you find that toys are too powerful for you or just right, this toy would be great for you. I really wanted to love using it, but it’s so weak that I need to jam it into my clit in order to orgasm. That requires me grabbing the top of the toy, and negates that whole cool handle thing. If I used the handle, I feel like the wand will break in half under my strength. So I am more careful with this than perhaps I need to be. One day, I hope to use a toy that is L-shaped and I just jam the short side into my clit and pull up on the long side for that sweet pressure I need. But alas, the Sync is not that dream toy.

Additionally, I found the remote to be unnecessary for me. I don’t understand why one would need the remote because the handle is so long. I personally used the remote once for testing and then never used it again. However, I realize that I may be discounting someone’s disability because I don’t have that perspective. So with that complaint made, I am glad that the remote exists for those who might need it.

Now, the charging port was another small complaint I had. The actual plug-in part is so long and thin, I’m afraid I’m going to break it every time I try to charge the thing. If this toy is built with someone who has wrist or hand issues, having a shorter or entirely different charging port would probably be a good idea. I also feel like I’m breaking the silicone skin every time I stick the plug in there because it’s so tight of a fit (euphemism intended).

The Sync charged in just under two hours for me, and it never ran out of juice, so it goes for at least four hours (estimating off my average wanking time and how long I had it while I was at home). This is a huge point in favor of this toy. This along with the very refreshing design, and the fancy box are what I feel makes the price tag so high.

Overall, I really like the sync for someone’s first wand, except for the very high price point. It’s not too powerful, but I feel like it has a lack of thought of certain aspects that are vital, especially when taking into account the shape of the toy and what it seems built for. If they made the motor more powerful (or perhaps a corded version)

This toy was sent to my by my friends at Shevibe.com! It retails for about 123 USD at time of posting, and you can find it here!

Indigo Writes Erotica: Straight No Chaser

My second attempt at writing erotica, which (like my first attempt) is written in collaboration with Sheets of San Francisco. I hope you enjoy!


Sarah was excited to finally have the house to herself. After the guests left from the party, she had made plans to really enjoy her evening solo. Though everyone at the party was delightful, she had drunk too much wine, and her two primary partners both agreed to leave for the night instead of coercing her into sex.

She thought about which toys she was planning to use, as she looked at the various options. Of course, the sheets were already over the bed because she had decided a long time ago to use the Pure Wand and really squirt this evening. She briefly considered using another dildo just to extend the session, but decided against it. With just the Pure Wand, she would be able to play for at least half an hour. That was enough time for her, as tipsy as she was.

She pulled out a small vibrator and the Pure Wand and settled onto the towel she had laid on top of the waterproof sheet. The sheet was nice for preventing seepage to the mattress and comforter, but the towel helped absorb some of the sweat which was going to happen. Sexy is squirting a whole bunch. Hot is the feeling of sweat pooling under your back onto a waterproof sheet.

She started with just the vibrator, pushing it up against her clit. Since she wasn’t quite turned on yet, she used more force than normal, exploring the head and the hood before moving down to the legs of her clit. Just between the head and the vaginal entrance, she placed a little less pressure and rubbed the vibrator up and down. She could feel herself beginning to get aroused.

Her hand wandered to the dildo and slipped it in. Thanks to her natural lubrication, it slipped in with ease and she began to gently wiggle it. While she moved, she imagined her partners, both great men and so different.

She imagined Mac’s body so thin and sleek, laying across her bed. His hair messed up from when she pulled his face into her vulva. She was able to be more dominant with Mac, and she often used his hair to guide him. She felt her body tense a little as she remembered the sex they had, and revisited every sensation. His lips on hers, and the feeling her him as she placed her fingers into his vagina. The taste of his dick as she sucked until he came. He doesn’t squirt as often as he used to, but she loves the taste when he does.

She almost came from that thought alone, as the dildo thrust a little bit more, making her moan and her g-spot swell. She took the vibrator away from her clit, and stopped the motion of the dildo. It was too good to tease herself. She needed to put off the orgasm. Despite her efforts, a very small orgasm persisted, and she placed the vibrator against herself again, ramping it up just a little bit. It was a little weak from her attempt to tease herself, and she sighed, knowing that she lost a good orgasm because of her own greediness.

But if she couldn’t tease herself, she could force herself to orgasm more.

She removed the dildo, and let it rest on her thigh. The weight felt good in the nook where her thigh met her groin. The handle was cold, while the part that had been inserted was warm. She took the vibrator and eased it up and down her thighs, quietly letting herself get aroused again. When she felt her vulva begin to swell, she placed the vibrator gently on the outer lips and teased it up and down, lingering on the flesh that covered her clit. It was so sensitive that it didn’t need the pressure it normally wanted. Well, it didn’t need it…yet.

She let her mind wander away from Mac and onto Chris. They were physically opposites. Where Marc was short and sleek, Chris was huge, almost 6’5″ and built like a brick wall. She delighted in his hugs when she was feeling submissive because they made her feel small.

In bed, they were opposites as well. Marc enjoyed being a bottom, and often wanted her to do unspeakable things to him. Chris was the opposite. He had tried receiving some things, but found it unfulfilling and really thrived on making her squirm.

Sarah revisited the memory from earlier in the evening. She and Chris were making some platters and he placed a piece of cheese on her shoulder, right at the sweet spot where it was about to curve upward and gently started at her ear with his tongue, and licked down the curve to where the cheese was. He bit it off of her shoulder, letting his teeth scrape into her skin just a little.

She felt herself getting wetter at this thought. Chris was so dominant, and that’s what she wanted right now. As she pushed the dildo deeper into her g-spot, she felt there was more liquid than before. She knew she would squirt with this orgasm. At that thought, she realized that the fantasies and replays were more for background noise. What was really driving this orgasm was the thought of her own juices running over the sheet. She pictured how hot and red her vulva must be.

The vibrator was deep into her clit, using more pressure than many people would enjoy. She placed even more pressure on it, feeling how it moved her clit back and forth. She briefly imagined Chris’s face over hers, telling her to orgasm now, before the vibrator was taken away.

Then it started, she felt the orgasm swell and explode. She curled her toes and turned her head into the pillow, moaning as loud as she could without disturbing the neighbors. She felt her hand thrust the dildo faster, almost of it’s own volition. As the orgasm got longer, she could feel the drops of ejaculate on her thighs and knees.

Finally, the pleasure eased up, and she could pull the vibrator away from her clit. She removed the dildo and felt her own cum run down her ass onto the bed. After taking a moment to breathe deeply and relax all her muscles, she stood up and examined the puddle. It was huge. She took a quick picture and sent it to both her partners.

“Thoughts of you in physical form. ;)”

Indigo Tries Getting Fisted

9 out of 10

This pairs nicely with a full bottle of wine. Any color. Any type. But definitely all of it. The whole thing.*

*Don’t drink and get laid. It’s irresponsible. Don’t drink and fist.

This post was created in collaboration with Kit Bauer. Their generosity with money and time allowed me to take my time and research what others’ thought. You can find their (amazing) Twitter Feed here, and their escorting page here! 

Let me tell you a story. As a budding blogger, I heard the term fisting, and I briefly wondered what it was before a kind human turned to me and said “Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like.” Then, I knew what fisting was. And because I am goal-oriented, I immediately knew that one day, I would be fisted. Because I am a size qweeng and because I like to overcome obstacles.

A couple years later, I was spending the night with a bang buddy. She is the first vulva-owner I’ve ever had sex with. After that exploration, which was truly divine, she wanted to finger me. So she started with a dominant routine of hitting and teasing, which led to inserting two fingers. Then three, and four. I just kept wanting more (she is quite small). She said “Are you…sure?” Being lost in the moment, I just moaned “Yes yes!” She went quiet and fumbled around and then went still.

“Is…everything okay down there?”

“Well…your vagina ate my hand.”

And that is the story of how I got fisted for the first time. The second happened that very same night. My second fisting partner would come along (heh) two weeks later at a conference in Toronto. And now I would say I can take a good many fists with ease (consecutively, not at the same time…but like goals, though).

So what is fisting? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like: you take an entire hand (or fist) into an orifice. It can be done vaginally or anally. I am sure that more creative people have done orally as well. If there are others ways to fist, I cannot fathom them, but I do appreciate other people getting creative with their bodies. It’s often seen as a challenge to overcome, or a really hot way of giving pleasure. It’s denoted in the Hanky Code by the color red.

So I have never fisted anyone (had my fist in a person), I have only been fisted (received a fist into my amazing body). Since fisting had been a goal of mine actively, I spent the first minute with a fist in me just being fucking proud and amazed by my vagina. I felt my partner rotate their arm and their knuckles inside me. Though insertion had to be performed with a traditional thin hand (all fingers pointing away from the wrist and close together), she could make a real fist once inserted.

Let me tell you, there was a beautiful minute where I felt so accomplished. I was so proud. And then she moved it just a little, and I felt myself tense up and orgasm. It was unlike any other orgasm I’d ever had. For me, fisting still brings a unique orgasm that I cannot reach with any other activity. I have just recently found my A-Spot, and I love it. But even that is different than what fisting feels like. I personally feel like fisting hits my A-Spot and my G-spot at the same time, which leads to an intense squirting sometimes. It has all the psuedo-pain and tenseness of a G-Spot stimulation, as well as all the deep and gentle power behind the A-Spot stimulation.

As I’ve said, within a month, I was getting fisted once more at Playground Conference. My friend Taylor J Mace and I had planned this for awhile before it happened, and it was a little different being fisted with purpose and intention. It also helped that we had done some more intense Dom/Sub interaction beforehand. I was thoroughly in subspace when he started. It was even more intense somehow, though there were some people watching. Since he is quite experienced, it also helped because I wasn’t pushed. And though I didn’t get quite to the wrist because I was in a small space, I know that his fist will be inside me entirely soon.

My experiences of fisting are entirely from a submissive perspective, with some kind of Dom/Sub dynamic. So I asked around for others’ take! I was especially interested in what my friend Kit Bauer had to say because they have also been fisted, but without the Dom/Sub dynamics.

“I felt so open, exposed and the amount of nerve endings that are touched is incredible. I also feel very intense waves of emotions during fisting – at times I want to cry while at other times I felt completely overcome by the pleasurable sensations. I felt so intensely vulnerable to put my trust in someone else like that and because of this I can find it difficult to come back to reality afterwards. I just want to be held, not have to speak, or even to be alone and come back to my body.” When I asked about the Dom/Sub dymanics, they admitted to not having any altered headspace. Instead, they said “I felt like I was being given a gift. Perhaps it made me more dominant, but I wasn’t in a dominant headspace.”

There is a distinct possibility that my sexual interactions are almost exclusively submissive now, just because I’m always submissive. However, I will admit that when I’m being fisted and there is a lot of communication, I’m closer to equal with my partners than when I’m not being fisted. I believe that the trust we place in each other makes us closer to equal, which is fascinating as a kinkster, sex educator and as a psychologist.

To further my information, I of course turned to Twitter, where a few other people also mentioned the physical sensations, same as Kit. They used a lot of words like “Intense”, “Connective”, and “Stretched.” However, some folks really got into detail about being a fister, and mentioned that bodies are soft and warm. The tightness as partners came and the sense of accomplishments on both sides of the fist were common themes.

A few people who are dominant and fisters also mentioned a heightened sense of power. They talk about having so much of their submissive under their control. One person even mentioned that between eye contact and muscle contractions, it becomes hotter because there is no verbal communication needed (though it is of course allowed). I believe that this is what draws me to fisting as a sub. It’s so vulnerable that anyone who is domming me with their entire fist has such amazing power over me. Because of that, they have to listen to me because if something does go wrong, it could potentially go really wrong.

Fisting is one of the universal acts. I mean this in the way that it can be intimate or it can be business-like. It can be done with Dom/Sub dynamics. However, it can also be a simple, intimate act that is shared partners. For me, I saw fisting as an ultimate goal and a place to be as submissive as my body would allow. Now, I find it to be a way to form a strong bond between myself and my partners, specifically with my own kink dynamics. I have a goal to fist someone someday, but I’m okay to only receive for now.

As a last note, I want to say: Fisting is a bit hard to accomplish for some folks, and I want to have a brief moment to acknowledge that. Some people just won’t be able to take a full fist. That is completely okay. Bodies are all different and your body is amazing, even if it doesn’t check every box that exists. There are many ways to connect with a partner or to submit. This is just one. Love your body where it is.

This post was created in collaboration with Kit Bauer. Their generosity with money and time allowed me to take my time and research what others’ thought. You can find their (amazing) Twitter Feed here, and their escorting page here! 

 

Indigo Gives Up Mediocrity

20 out of 10

Pairs really will with some delicious Earl Grey tea. It’s more refined, it’s energizing, and it’s definitely a treat.

During my last therapy appointment, I spent an extraordinary amount of time lamenting about my exes and the amount of labor I had put into our relationships. I talked about how much I gave and how much they took. I went over all the ways I exhausted myself for my partners. Confession Corner: This had a lot to do with my most recent ex.

This ex and I were together monogamously for about a year before moving in together. We found a house and made our space and everything was good for a few months. During this time, I tried very hard to establish a routine of airing problems we had. I wanted to get coffee every other week or so and talk about boundaries, cleaning, or problems. It was going to be a safe space. This way, I wouldn’t just be making lists of what I needed help with or needed changing, and he would feel safe to bring up his issues too. Well, this idea never got off the ground, and it took me a long time to figure out why. It was such a good idea, why wasn’t he excited about it?

Well, after living together for 9 months as his emotional support, financial support and all-around mother figure, I got tired of it. He made the bed once in the entire time we lived together. And the sheet was on inside out. He didn’t really plan meals. The meals he did plan went as far as meat with flavor and instant mashed potatoes. I did all the shared laundry like towels and sheets (though I made him wash his own clothes). I pushed him to find a better job, make goals, and generally grow as a person. Perhaps that was where I went wrong. He did not want to grow, and I should have accepted this and moved on. But I loved him, so fuck me, right?

Well, after 9 months of that travesty, I finally got fed up with it. Even though he offered emotional stability, and a shoulder to cry on, I still felt like I was a grown adult with a dependent. So I kicked his ass out of my house and we tried to make it work while he lived at his parents (because in that time, he had not saved money despite my paying both of our rents for several months BUT I DIGRESS). After his losing another job (number 6 in as many months), I got fed up, and broke it off completely. It was heart-breaking for me. I was hurt, and I was disappointed.

After two months of pain and hurt, we got back together. This probably would not have happened except that we had to be in touch because he owed me over $2000 and we were communicating about that regularly. But here we were again. Trying to make it work. We had been monogamous for so long, and I felt like I was just trapped in this stupidity. I had no sexual freedom to explore and all the talks we had about threesomes or others were fruitless. He was just never ready, and I got the feeling that he never would be. So I wanted to try polyamory. In a polyam dynamic, maybe I could feel less attached to him, and give myself some fucking freedom. He agreed to try it with me. But he also continued his trend of not wanting to communicate with me and we never established boundaries or determined what our brand of polyamory was. So when he suddenly had a new “partner” (not a date, but a partner), I got uncomfortable and scared. I tried really hard to communicate that I felt this way. I tried to explain that I was worried he couldn’t take care of himself, or me, and it felt awful that he pulled in someone else under those circumstances.

So he left me.

Yeah, let me write that again. He left me. For her. After months and dollars. After emotional nights and so much labor. After giving so much of myself to make this relationship work, he walked out. Because it was hard and suddenly I was asking too much.

Now, it’s been about 4 and a half months since then. I’m still hurting because this was my first long-term relationship. I’m hurting because it was really unfair. I’m still hurting because I didn’t set boundaries and maintain them. I’m still hurting because I was betrayed by myself and my partner. I have lost my faith in other humans, and now I need to rebuild it somehow.

What about the money, you ask? Well I’ll tell you. A few weeks ago, he sent the last payment (fucking FINALLY), and that’s why I need to write this. My last tenuous, stressful connection to this partner is gone. I get the chance to say “Payments complete. Bye.” This one moment in text form will be the last thing that he and I share.

The cleansing feeling of letting go after trying to hold on for so long and investing so much of myself is…complicated. On one hand, this was stable in its own morbid way. It was one person who was consistent (not something I have a lot). It was almost a comfortable groove, even if it became toxic in the end. It also had hope for so long. “Maybe it will get better. Maybe if we talk enough. Maybe if I go to therapy more. Maybe if I can make more money.” Well, maybe I just need to move the fuck on and stop dating people who need me to take care of them.

So I hopped back onto my OKCupid account. I started swiping on Tinder with more interest. And I met someone too! He was a great switch, good in bed, funny, a chef, emotionally dependent, told me loved me after one date, wanted me to meet his partner, consistently needed reassurance, and when I told him I needed space, he felt guilty and placed a lot of emotional baggage onto me. Now, I love people who ask for what they want. I love people who are open about needing reassurance and who cry when they need to. This guy did all of that. AND he had all these silent expectations that I would sweep up his emotions after he was done. He assumed I wanted to meet his partner and make agreements. He assumed I wanted to have this long term relationship. And I just…didn’t. With time, I probably would have, but the pressure completely drove me away.

So I went from one mediocre human needing a mother to another human needing a mother. Neither of them are inherently bad. But all these little things that make them mediocre add up and suddenly, I’m the parental unit they need to feel secure. I just thank the gods every day that somehow I was blessed with the strength of will to leave relationships I do not like, and that’s what happened (to some extent) in both cases. Things were bad, so I changed them.

I once heard a joke: Sex is like pizza. Even if it’s bad, it’s still pizza. I thought this was funny when I heard it because I imagined that sex would always be pretty good. After all, I’m good at sex. I applied this same way of thinking to relationships too. Even if a relationship is bad, hey, it’s still a relationship. As a result, I put up with mediocre people in my life. I put up with mediocre sex and effort.

Recently, I have started sleeping with more people semi-regularly. I have one bang buddy that is kind and intriguing. She’s made it clear from the beginning that her intentions are just to have good friendships with sex. I have another who has proven to be supportive and attentive to all my requests. I’ve moved on from things that aren’t fulfilling. I am single now, but I want to be in a relationship again. I like having someone consistent. But until a better human comes along, I’m going to wait.

Indigo Tries the Cloud 9 Deluxe Enema Douche

6 out of 10

Pairs will with a Gin Fizz. It certainly is an experience and you’re not quite sure you want the end product. (Is that a raw egg?)

This kit was sent to me by the lovely folks at SheVibe in exchange for my fair and honest review. You can purchase it here!

The CloudFresh Anal Deluxe Douche sits on an orange scarf, leaning against a blue wall. It's a purple round bulb, with one flat side, and there are three nozzles in the package , which are all black.

It’s not a secret that I really love butt stuff. I wrote a whole delightful post about it, and I rave about it on Twitter a lot. I have always liked the idea of butt stuff, and I done butt stuff with my partners since I’ve had partners. In the shower, I often finger myself and I thoroughly enjoy that pleasure without orgasm. It’s just a fun way to connect with my body.

So one day when my partner was worried about my butt not being “clean” and getting “some mess on his dick,” I calmly reminded him that this is why you wear a condom for butt stuff. I also reminded him that if he thinks my body is gross, he can leave. I will admit that scat is not my personal kink, but I will not tolerate anyone who freaks out at bodily functions. There’s a difference between shaming and simply saying “it doesn’t turn me on.”

However, I did decide that I wanted an enema kit for my own. Not only would it make butt play easier and more fun, but I would also worry about my partners’ reactions less. So I requested The Cloud 9 Deluxe Enema Douche from the kind folks at Shevibe, and I eagerly awaited my enema kit in the mail. I was over the moon to receive it and unwrap it. But when I did, I found out that I was intimidated by it. What would happen when I used it? What would it feel like? What if the water was too cold? Too hot?

First, let me tell you about this product. Then I will launch into a TMI story about my first self-given enema. I’ll warn you before it starts.

I opened this kit and was immediately struck by the smell. The plastic smells were strong and weird. I would expect this from a PVC product (which is what the bulb is). I will probably have to replace this kit eventually because it cannot be fully sanitized, but because it’s only being used anally, I have a bit more time before that. This is a very bottom-heavy toy so it won’t fall over easily and the flat base is an excellent feature. There are three nozzles, each with their own shape and size. Each one screws in easily and they are fairly water-tight around the seam. Personally, the shortest nozzle worked well for me, specifically because I wasn’t warmed up. I later used the largest (widest) one in and that worked fine, but seemed like over-kill.

A close up of two of the nozzles. Both are black plastic. There are some specifications on the side, which include discussion of the flat base, a one-year warranty and a reminder to clean before and after use.The product itself is exactly as advertised. It doesn’t have a lot of bells, whistles or explanation, but it works well for me and it only costs about $20 (USD) at time of posting. I’m quite fond of this little kit and I don’t regret getting it. If that’s all you wanted to know about this enema kit, stop here. But if you’re curious about enemas and specifically my first time using one, read on.

I want to give folks a warning for a lot of TMI here, specifically around some butt stuff and poop. I’m going into the details of my first enema so that you might feel a little less awkward about yours.

It started with a shower, which seemed like the best place, nice and clean, etc. I figured if any mess happened, it would be easy to clean and I could move on. Well that was sort of true. Only I needed to get the head of the kit into me. Past my rather large cheeks (which like to touch) and into my anus. So I stopped the shower and got out and grabbed a bit of lube. I put it on my anus and finally got the enema in. Great. I squeezed some water into my colon and it felt WEIRD. Let me tell you, there was some air in there (you should maybe squeeze that out before insertion).

But I did okay on the temperature because the water felt like nothing. In fact, I pulled it out to make sure it was working properly. Well, it definitely was. I immediately felt like I had to poop. So I stopped my shower and sat down. There was no poop, just water. But I couldn’t tell because there are no other nerves to tell me WHAT is passing. Just WHEN it’s passing. So I finished passing the gas and water and I hopped into the shower again because I’m paranoid. My roommates were thoroughly confused by this, but they know better than to ask questions.

Once I felt like I was “empty” and there was nothing left to do, I hopped out and dried off. I then played with toys for about an hour because my butt was so clean and ready for play. I enjoyed some dildos, and some butt plugs. I even used my lovely unicorn horn to stretch it. I’m playing with a secret goal to get Double Fisted, so I’m real excited for that anal training.

In short, I was extremely intimidated by my first enema, but now I consider myself a pro at them. It’s a nice way to clean your tush, and this kit is a great price, and easy to use!

This kit was sent to me by the lovely folks at SheVibe in exchange for my fair and honest review. You can purchase it here!

Indigo Investigates Vulva Ejaculation

10 out of 10

Pairs well with late nights and strong coffee. When you get to the bottom of something, you need both of those.

Recently, I have been having a lot of orgasms, thanks to the miracle of testosterone. Not only do I always want sex, but I commonly use sex as stress relief because apparently, I physiologically can’t cry anymore. Like, the emotions are there, but the release isn’t? This is fine. I’m fine.

But it inspired me to research ejaculation in bodies with vulvae, because that is not a subject that is often talked about. When it is talked about, there’s a lot of discussion about “controversy.” Because I am a student and a scholar, I have finally done some solid research in the databases available to me and I have found several scientific articles and studies relating to female ejaculation, and as a bonus, I’ll also discuss the Grafenburg Spot (G-Spot).

Let me start with my personal adventure. I have often been described as “juicy” by my partners. I produce a lot of natural lubricant and when I orgasm, I often ejaculate or “squirt.” Let me tell you, waterproof sheets saved my life. I began to hear the words G-Spot and squirting when I worked at a sex shop. I was curious about this, so I did some fast internet research. I found that it is somewhat common, but not everyone does this. I felt a bit lucky because it came up in porn so much, and I assumed it was desirable. It is actually a pain to deal with because I kept ruining sheets. My laundry stacked up fast.

After becoming a blogger and really exploring my body with new toys, I realized that this “squirting” thing wasn’t new to me and I had been doing big orgasms this whole time. So I began to lean into this concept of using layers of towels, and I started using my Pure Wand with more excitement. In those moments when I really need a good cry, I’d reach for my Pure Wand and fuck myself until I was dehydrated from squirting. It wears me out and gives me a cathartic release that normally, yelling into a pillow in agony would. Thank the gods for this cathartic release.

So what does ejaculation feel like? Well, instead of feeling the stimulation in my labia or clit, I often feel it deeper and…higher? Like instead of crotch feeling good, the area within my pubic mound feels good. It can sometimes be almost painful, but I like the intensity. When I orgasm from G-Spot stimulation, I am almost guaranteed to squirt. Well, to be honest, I gush, really. It sometimes projects out, but that is usually helped with thrusting. Normally, it just sort of rushes like a tiny waterfall. A twaterfall, if you will. Instead of tingling and pulling up, I feel a push down and my whole body tenses deeply.

Sometimes, my ejaculate is odorless and cloudy. Sometimes, it smells a bit like urine, or even just how my vagina smells that day. I don’t worry about what it smells like, beyond just checking in with my body. If it smells really bad, then I worry I have an infection, but if it’s just a little bit like pee, I’m not worried. After all, I know that ejaculate does void through the urethra, so it makes sense that it would smell a bit like urine, which also voids that way.

So I experience this. Big deal, right? WRONG. Here’s the truth: there are many many people with vulvae that experience the same thing! I consistently hear about many people who quirt, whose G-Spots swell during sex, who can’t orgasm without stimulation there. So it’s not just me. And the sample size is not small, despite what people say.

So I turned to the research. There is surprisingly little on this phenomenon, which doesn’t surprise me. There is research enough to confirm it might exist. The only reason to research would be to understand it better, which isn’t tied to life-saving science, but social justice science. Most of the studies around sex are related to bodies with penises, and in order for this to be studied, it would shift the focus, which removes privilege. As a result, the studies aren’t funded. It’s “not important” according to the powers that be. This is my personal opinion, but I’m willing to bet that I’m not alone in this train of thought.

Though there are many studies that say female ejaculation is real and the G-Spot has plausible evidence to be investigated, there are still people saying that it isn’t real. And to have my experiences (and many others’) invalidated is wrong. You can’t tell me that so many people with vulvae just don’t know their bodies or just don’t understand sex. I have sex a lot. And I know my body well enough to know you are the one who is wrong. My purchase of a sex sheet is NOT in vain.

Here’s what the science actually says. The Kamasutra mentions “when she feels him moving in a certain spot inside her, the pleasure of that touch makes her eyes whirl around in a circle.” So there is a clear space in the vagina that is arguably more sensitive or responsive. Well that makes sense because the vagina is surrounded by many different organs, glands and nerve paths. However, it has been consistently found by many people in the same general area. So there’s a historical context for the G-Spot existing, at least for some.

In 1981, a gynecologist named Martin Weisberg at a conference heard about female ejaculation and didn’t believe it. He went to the speakers of the panel and asked if it was true. They not only confirmed it, but showed him some subjects who were willing to demonstrate in person. It was so compelling that he later wrote a note in The Journal of Sex Research about how gynecologists were not helping their clients if they didn’t know about ejaculation. He went so far as to posit that in the future, there would be laughter about the debate of female ejaculation. I can only hope, my friend.

In 1981, there was another paper published regarding a case study, which means just one person. Addeigo and company studied a woman who consistently released fluid when she had sex with her husband. They wanted to know what it was and if it could be related to the G-Spot. So they manually stimulated her G-Spot and she ejaculated as a response. This was in a controlled environment with similar stimulation each time. They gathered the fluid and studied it’s contents. They found that though it had some similar components to urine (urea, glucose, cretinine), it was largely Prostatic Acid Phosphatase. This chemical literally has “prostate” in the name. Which means it’s not a primary ingredient in urine. Later, it was hypothesized that this fluid comes from a series of glands that are biologically analogous to the prostate in typical penis-owners. This is why the G-Spot is sometimes called “the female prostate.” You can get out with your over-simplified, gendered bullshit.

So if these people see it, where’s the counterarguments? In my research, I found one article which I could access that had creative scientific counterpoints. It was written by a Terence Hines. In this one article, Hines mentioned a lack of historical mention of the G-Spot (which I have already disproved in my discussing the Kamasutra. This same article also discusses how there is a lack of scientific studies around the G-Spot. Those which exist are primarily anecdotal often has small sample sizes. Well, most phenomenon were stories before they were studies. How about we get some proper funding, and proper scientists on this, eh?

His last argument was regarding nerve endings. Hines discusses the lack of nerve endings around the vagina, which means it’s unlikely that it will be a center of deep sensations which many people with vulvae describe. Except so many people describe the sensation as deeper and not the same as other stimulation. So I hate to break it to you, Hines, but you’re looking for nerve endings in the wrong spot.

Basically, we just need to listen to people with vulvae. We know our own bodies. Even if the scientists get funding and prove the G-Spot doesn’t exisit, would you use that as an excuse to not pleasure someone in a way they enjoy? Do you really feel the need to be right over the desire to please a partner? Why?

This post was written in collaboration with Sheets of San Francisco. The research was my own work and opinions are my own. These sheets have been my best toy, which I use every time I masturbate. If you also squirt, or want to, pick some up.

Indigoes: Four Great Concepts I Learned Out of AltSex 2018

Last year, I heard about a little conference called AltSexNYC. I was truly enamored with the idea of a bunch of people who study sex and psychology in a room together talking about sex and psychology. So I decided to go by myself. With very few connections in New York City at the time, I was a little nervous, but I made a friend through another friend who let me stay with them. It turns out that a bunch of people studying sex and/or psychology and coming together to talk about sex and psychology was perfect for me! So when it came up again this year, I immediately bought my tickets. This time, I was lucky enough to stay in a hostel and bring a friend.

I always learn fascinating things from conferences, but this one has a special place in my heart because it’s so professional-based and very much about research that I just learn things I know I will use and expand on in my everyday life. So let me tell you about the 4 mind-blowing concepts I learned at AltSex2018.

First. The DSM is lazy. Samuel Hughes presented some excellent research about kink and how it develops in our lives. One thing he briefly touched on was the pathologization of kink. In easy terms, we often think of kink as a medical issue to be fixed. The evidence of this can be found in the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual (DSM), where we currently find around 8 diagnoses that have to do with sex and/or kink. These include Masochism, Sadism, Fetishism, and Pedophilia to name a few. Now, most of them cannot be diagnosed without one major component: That it causes significant distress to the patient.

So many people think don’t get diagnosed with these things. And Hughes made the argument that we should not be using them at all. Because the desires are not the problem. The results are. So instead, of diagnosing someone with Masochism, get to the bottom of their distress around it. Are they in physical danger from too much harm? Are they in distress because they worry what others will think (external locus of control)? Those issues are fixable. With pedophilia, the issue isn’t the desire or attraction itself, but the action around it. That is more related to impulse control, which has other diagnoses.

I recently heard that the use of the word “crazy” is just laziness because you usually mean something else. When I say that some administration is crazy because it’s making policies against marginalized communities, I probably mean “careless,” “thoughtless,” or even “cruel.” But not crazy. Now, I’m beginning to think of these diagnoses in the same way.

Second. Sex Educators are still using the word “virginity.” There were many times I heard the word virgin in this conference. Someone even used the phrase “lose their virginity.” I cringed so hard when I heard it. Virginity is an out-dated, sexist concept that was used to commodify women and control sexuality. I think that a room full of people should say “had sex for the first time.” Or “someone who hasn’t had/engaged in sex.” I feel so strongly about this because:

Third. Language is incredibly important. Both inside and outside of communities.

One study presented talked about common traits of “tops” and “bottoms.” It was presented by two people who seemed to be outside of the community, or at least less knowledgeable. They never addressed switches. They never defined “top” and “bottom.” They never diverged the idea of top/bottom dynamics from dominant/submissive dynamics. Then they attempted to take these words from the context of BDSM and apply them to the vanilla community.

In that transfer, the words lost their meaning. Instead, the presenters described “topping” and “bottoming” like dancing. “Someone has to lead,” they said. Well, when you enter a room of kinksters, and those who work with kink, you need new language. Because those words are taken and they do not mean what you think they do. The words we use in kink and negotiation are as important as pronouns or names. We cannot recycle them. Leading/Following, Topping/Bottoming and Domming/Subbing are all different concepts in subtle ways. If you take our language, you muddy the waters through which we tread and someone will be hurt.

Lastly. Being seen is being mistaken for being loved. Dr. Herukhuti gave the last speech of the conference. It was beautiful and moving. There was a poetry in the words that made me feel safe and invigorated all at the same time. He ended to a huge round of applause that was well-deserved. I took away a few concepts from that talk. But he wasn’t done. During the final Q&A, he had one last thought that hit me like a truck:

“Being Seen is so rare, and so spiritual, that it can often be mistaken for being loved.”

The implications of this statement were so profound. I capitalize the word “seen” for a reason. I don’t mean to physically see someone. I mean to understand who they are and what they want or need. To really know someone. On one hand, being Seen can be like being loved. It can feel so affirming and wonderful. It’s the highest form of interaction in some ways. However, it can also be used. People who are abusive usually See their victims immediately, which helps them target. They identify with them and know their ins and outs. It’s hard to be Seen because it’s vulnerable. And someone who is all there, who just lays out their life, can be Seen by anyone.

I’ll leave you with one last thought that I had. It occured to me while Buck Angel was talking about what trans men should need to transition (namely, that every trans person should have a therapist). While I agree that everyone (regardless of gender) should have a regular therapist, this is an inaccessible notion right now. At best, the idea that Buck has is privileged. Buck argued that many people are making irreversible decisions without knowledge or thought, and seeing a therapist would help them with those decisions. I agree a therapist would help, but I don’t think anyone is trans without being very mindful of their gender expression. While I disagree with Buck in these basic ways, I just don’t understand why he feels such an inaccessible form of help is the solution. Basically: If you try to solve a problem, but can’t work within the structures that currently exist, or create the entirety of the ideal world you want to live in, your solutions are not solutions, but speculations.

Again: If you cannot make your solution work in this world we live it, then it is not a solution.

I don’t want to focus too much on that, because I truly loved AltSex this year. I learned a lot and shared a lot. I was grateful for the experience, just as I was last year, and I’ll see ya’ll next year too!

For More quick recaps of what i learned, take a look at these Twitter threads (I’m real good at live-tweeting, y’all):

 

Author’s Postscript: I didn’t want to harp on the negative things about AltSex, because I love this conference a lot. But I do have some issues with it too. There is a survey disseminated, which I will also put this feedback into, but I want my readers to know too. 

Firstly, they don’t stay on schedule. We lost about 10-20 minutes of our lunch break because of this and it’s extremely frustrating. There need to be more buffers built in or more severe cut-offs for speakers. 

Second, they lost a lot of time because the organizers talk a lot. I feel bad saying this because I know people want to talk and it’s important to thank those involved. But having less time for the organizers thanking people and introduction of speakers would help with the time crunch.

Third (and last), they do not link to the speaker’s websites on the AltSex webpage. If you look at the schedule page, they have links in the names. Those links lead to another subpage of AltSexNYCConference.com, and there are no links to the speaker websites despite many of the speakers having one. This is unfair, and undermines a speaker’s publicity and reason for speaking at conferences. I honestly believe it’s ethically wrong.