Indigo Explores: BDSM in a Therapy Context

So I recently saw another blogger discussing BDSM and how it helps them to process some of their previous trauma. This is something that I knew was possible because I have a similar experience. When I do a scene, I feel whole for a little while after. I feel more prepared for the world and I am excited for what’s next. In fact, I might say that I feel much the same as I do after a good therapy session. Imagine that!

Since engaging in BDSM regularly, and embracing that part of my personality, I have found that I know myself, and my interests that much better. In psychology terms, I have a stronger sense of self. This has spreading ramifications for my life, which is completely expected. A sense of self is usually tied to a sense of fulfillment, purpose and happiness. Sense of self is the static idea of personality and values, as well as self-esteem and a sense of person-hood. It’s basically our own self-image and concept of who we are.

Thanks to BDSM, I know how to negotiate what I want and how to get it. Additionally, because I have done this before, I’m less afraid to ask for what I want. Some things that I thought would never happen have come to be just because I could ask for them. Why did this happen? Well, with a stronger sense of self, I have a better idea of what I need to function. With a better idea of what I want, I know how to articulate it, which gives me the ability. Once I have that skill set, I’m only missing the strength and courage to ask.

However, BDSM also helps me gain strength and courage. Why does that happen? Well, I’ve tested myself through BDSM. Within scenes, I have allowed myself to become vulnerable. I take pain and sadness and I turn it into power and strength. I so regularly amaze myself that my courage has grown, which allows me to voice concerns, and ask for resources or help.

Now, these are all things that may seem to come already installed for some people. They don’t feel guilty every time they ask for their needs to be met and they don’t cry when talking to authority figures. However, I have a history of emotional and verbal abuse from my family, which has taken all those things and made them questionable and weakened. That trauma took away my voice and replaced it with guilt and the deafening shrill of self-abuse and self-hate. BDSM doesn’t completely remove that, and I would never claim that it could. But it does turn down the volume. When I complete a successful scene, I still harbor some self-hate and guilt and fear. But I can work through it and achieve amazing things. It doesn’t cure me, but it heals me in some ways.

Which brings me to something else I wanted to discuss. When Kirsten of Chronic Sex described this feeling around BDSM and mentioned therapy, someone else had Opinions on this. Now, I will not direct any links to this other person. But she is a blogger who talks extensively about men’s rights and being a pro domme in the past. Many of her posts are kink-negative. I have chosen to use that wording for a reason. Her posts usually start with a disclaimer that these are her experiences and she’s not judging anyone. She talks about being shamed for not participating in BDSM like it’s a systemic problem (the opposite is true). She discusses how BDSM is abusive in nature. Additionally, she did come into someone’s mentions saying that it was dangerous to call BDSM therapeutic or healing. After having read some tweets and posts, I am pretty convinced that this human would feel more comfortable if no one participated in kink ever again. So I’m here to present some counter arguments.

So let’s talk about some therapies right now. Because what am I? Oh that’s right! I’m a Psychology student and this is literally my field of study!

So let’s outline Exposure Therapy. This is a therapy that is usually applied to phobias of all types. It involves exposing someone to their phobia. If they experience their phobia and survive, they are likely to reroute the pathways in their brains and be less afraid. This can be done slowly such as asking a patient to think about a dog, and then visualize a dog. Then they may look out a window and see a dog. This would lead up to actually touching and being friends with a dog. In this way, their brain will slowly acclimate to dogs and be less afraid of them. Or it can happen fast, such as seeing a patient and then immediately jumping to the touching a dog stage.

So imagine that you’re a victim of childhood abuse. You experienced being yelled at or hit for much of the time. Now, with BDSM, you negotiate a scene that feels good. It involves impact play and insults. You experience these things at the hand of a caring dominant. You experience your childhood all over again and stop the scene. It immediately ends and the dominant checks on you. It takes a minute to come back into your body and the person who was hitting you is now respecting you and caring for you. All of this under your control and with your consent. The pathways in your brain start to feel safer when someone yells at you because you know you’re more in control. Even in work situations, you realize you’re an adult now and can take action, unlike when you were a child. Exposure therapy has worked directly with your trauma and has helped.

Let’s talk about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is a therapy that usually involved a therapist intervention directly. It is a practice wherein the patient has a negative thought and they must learn first to recognize their negative thoughts. Once the patient recognizes negative thoughts, they begin to replace those with positive or at least neutral true thoughts. It’s common for people who have completed CBT to randomly say positive things. If you ever see me shake my head and mutter “no, I love myself,” then you have seen my CBT at work. I have replaced most of my negative thoughts with this set of actions.

Now, as a dominant, you begin to hit a sub. You feel some guilt because it feels good for you to inflict pain on a sub. But their moans affirm what you know on the surface: they want this as much as you do. So you continue and every time you question yourself, you check in with them. You are now more aware of your surroundings, how you affect them. Every time you question yourself, you check in with your surrounding group and now you find yourself not saying “I’m mean.” Instead you’re saying “I’m fulfilling a need for someone and being aware of the world around me.”

My personal favorite is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This is an extension of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and they often work in tandem. It focuses on the idea that much of our conflict comes from opposing ideas in ourselves. For example: “I want to go out and meet new people” is in direct conflict with “I am afraid of social situations where I don’t know everyone.” However, both of these are true and valid feelings. DBT seeks to insert the word “And” into our conflicts. You can want to meet people and be afraid of them. By acknowledging that, you have an easier time making decisions, and coinciding narratives.

So let’s imagine this. You’re in the middle of a scene. Your dominant has completely misjudged and pushed you too far. You safeword out of the scene and begin the process of reconciling and aftercare. The dominant is scared to have pushed you and is meeting your care needs with extra love now. Suddenly you realize that your dominant is a good human and someone who makes mistakes. You begin to see the different layers in them, and others in the world who have wronged you. You are now one step closer to achieving a resolution to your inner conflicts, because you have learned the power of “And.”

Play therapy is another favorite of mine. This is primarily geared towards kids. It encourages them to explore their feelings and reenact life events. The hope is that they will begin to visualize what they wanted to happen, or possibly reveal what went wrong. From there, they can find closure or explanation and be better prepared for life ahead. It can also be used as a tool to help create an exposure environment.

As a Daddy dom, you take care of a Little. They are small and cute. You purchase them gifts and care for them. You ensure they always have a good time in your presence and they trust you implicitly. As you look on them, you think of the hamster you lost as a kid because you couldn’t take care of it. You were five and didn’t know better. It’s haunted you since then and you doubt your ability to take care of anything ever again. Even your work sometimes suffers. However, since taking on this Little, you have gained some closure. You can’t fix the past but you can take care of another person and meet needs. After awhile, you’re more confident and you take on more responsibility. Thanks to this role-play, you have grown and improved your quality of life.

Here’s the bottom line: if you are doing kink right, you are gaining positive things from it. It might be cathartic, or healing. You gain closure. You challenge yourself sometimes, and win. Here is the shocking part: even if it’s just fun for you, then you are doing it right. If you are performing BDSM of some kind and it hurts you, you’re allowed to stop and that’s okay. No one should shame you for that, and if they do, that is abusive. But if you find BDSM good, fun, therapeutic, or a combination, that is great. Because all we can do in this world is find coping mechanisms and muddle through. Perhaps eventually, we will be “cured,” but what does that mean? In psychology, cured is usually short hand for “chronically coping with something very well.”

Sometimes BDSM is bad, and you have to leave it. Not everyone has the same experiences as you. And that is what is important here: people should be allowed to do kink when it is good for them. Get out of their mentions and find something good for you instead of berating them.

Indigo Tries the Spareparts Tomboi!

9 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a Dark and Stormy. It’s deep and refined, like a good pair of mens underwear. But it’s also a little fruity with a nice pop.

This toy was sent to me by my good friends at Betty’s Toybox in exchange for a fair and honest review. You can purchase it here in Red or here in Black. At the time of this post, they run for about $90 (USD). 

The Spareparts Tomboi box is sitting on a wooden floor with a yellow wall behind it. The box is black and has a picture of a masculine-leaning person on it.

I thoroughly enjoy dicks, and what I enjoy also as much as dicks in me is dicks on me. I previously owned only one harness, which I really enjoyed using with a partner. It had almost everything I wanted in a harness, including plus-sized options, except it was incredibly gendered as femme. Sometimes, I don’t want to be femme. In reality, I’m more likely to feel masc when I want to pack or use a strap on. With my harness being so gendered, I would sometimes put it on and feel immediately uncomfortable. To aid this gap in my toys, I requested the Tomboi Harness, created by Spareparts. The kind folx over at Betty’s Toybox sent this, along with the Pierre to help my review queue while I was out of state during the summer.

The Tomboi runs about $90 (US) at time of posting. This is quite a large investment for many people, which I am not ignoring here. If cost is an issue, there are a few other brands that are worth looking at, including the Sportsheets Divine Diva, which I have reviewed. However, for those who aren’t plus-sized, I would recommend looking through this list for something appropriately sized. I have no reviews of these, but others may.

However, the price is the one major downfall of the Tomboi. When I opened the package, I was immediately won over by the fabric of this harness. It comes packaged in a carrying pouch of the same material the harness is made from. It feels slippery, smooth and still durable. It doesn’t feel out of place when I run my hands over it. Though I don’t run into much nylon underwear, I don’t expect that this harness would not be all that eye-catching or unusual to find in someone’s underwear drawer. I requested the red option because I love how the details of the waistband and the seams make it feel like just another pair of underwear that I’m putting on.

The Spareparts Tomboi is unfolded and laying on a clean wooden floor while the carrying bag lays beside it. The bag is propped up so that you can see the SpareParts logo. The bag is all read nylon. The Tomboi itself is mostly red with a black waistband and black trim. It's shaped roughly like typical men's underwear.

As a harness, the design of the Tomboi is perfect. It has two fabric pieces in the lining of the cod piece that overlap just enough to securely hold a toy in place, but open enough that it’s easy to remove the toy. In the front of the underwear itself is a ring that is completely hidden within the fabric, so the transition from underwear into harness feels discreet and seamless. This works perfectly with how my dysphoria manifests. This toy doesn’t trigger it because it just feels like another part of the underwear. It makes it easy to forget the dick in place is silicone and not factory-installed.

The ring is stretchy enough to fit dildos from 1.25 inches up to 2.25 inches, which allows for the most common dildo sizes to work with the harness. Additionally, since the holding fabric is in two pieces, it’s possible to part them and use this harness with a two-sided dildo. I will admit that getting a two sided dildo inserted into myself, at the same time as pulling up tight underwear was a bit of a challenge. I would not recommend trying it out without making sure you’re stretched properly. And I mean that for your vagina AND your legs. That was some exercise.

The SpareParts box is open to reveal the front of the Tomboi. It's wrapped with tissue paper. The focus of the photo is the o-ring, which is about an inch in diameter in the center of the Tomboi.This harness feels really secure in use. Though I haven’t fucked anyone with it, I did masturbate with it. The experience felt comfortable and not forced with this harness. To top it off, I could fit many different dildos in there, so I could follow my feelings on which dildo to use. This means that when I want my regular dildo (the one that is my dick), I can use it, or I can substitute a different one by my partners’ request.

In short, I’m a huge fan of this harness. When I used this harness to pack, everything stayed in place all day. When I use it for play (on my own), it was comfortable and natural to wear. Based on how I tested it during a solo session, I am sure that it will be a huge part of my partnered scenes, and I’m excited to use this harness more.

This toy was sent to me by my good friends at Betty’s Toybox in exchange for a fair and honest review. You can purchase it here in Red or here in Black. At the time of this post, they run for about $90 (USD).

Indigo Tries the Blush Novelties Noje W3 Wand

9 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a Shirley Temple, to go. I chose something non-alcoholic because drinking and driving is singularly awful. Don’t do that. Also, this drink is enjoyed with poise and elegance.

This toy was sent to me by the kind folx at SheVibe in exchange for a fair and honest review. At time of publishing, this toy retails for about $36 (USD). You can purchase in Sage (green), Rose (pink), or Wisteria (purple). The wand attachments can be purchased here for about $8 (USD) at time of publishing.

The Noje W3 Wand and the Noje W3 Wand attachments are sitting in their boxes next to a packed green bag, a green sleeping bag and a bicycle helmet. There is further description of the toy in the next image and in the post.

I have a confession to make. I wasn’t excited about this wand when I requested it. I have been using my Doxy wands for a year now, and they are powerful and rumbly. I am the type of human who puts the wand on my clit now because I’m such a power slut. I just live my life in such an electrifying and ridiculous way that I was convinced the Noje would do nothing for me.

And then I left my house for two months and lived in a tent.

The Noje is a wand that is compact, running only about 5 inches long with a head that is about an inch in diameter. It comes in the standard plastic blister case, and it has a single button on the butt of it. When I turned it on, I found that it was fairly quiet, but more rumbly than I expected. Because of these things, I decided to take it with me on my ad-tent-ture.

Let me be clear. I was in no way glamping (glamour camping). I had four canvas walls, a canvas roof (reinforced with tarp), an air mattress, and one bin which held all the clothes I brought with me. The fanciest part of my living situation was that I got to hike up a hill to make it to the place I worked where there was a coffee pot. I could use that coffee pot to make ramen, which I did for just about every meal. My butt is extremely fantastic now, thank you for asking.

Because of the whole canvas walls thing, I didn’t bring any fancy sex toys. I had one butt plug, two toys I needed to review this summer, and my pure wand in case anyone on Tinder wanted to watch me squirt (which they did not, apparently). For the vibrator option, I brought the Noje Wand. Let me tell you, I am delighted that I made that choice.

The Noje wand looks very nonthreatening when you look at it. It comes in two pastel colors: sage (for us mountain lovers), wisteria (for English garden lovers), and rose (for general garden lovers). The head of it is simply white, and overall, it looks elegant. I would not have been embarrassed if someone found this toy while visiting because it looks so glamorous. Perhaps I was glamping a little after all. In order to turn the toy on, you have to hold that button for at least four to five seconds. This is another reason why I loved traveling with it. The idea of this toy turning on in a bag was somewhat preposterous thanks to that handy feature.

A close up of the Noje W3 wand and the Noje Wand attachments in their boxes. The wand is a sage green with a white head and the attachments are all white.

The button on the bottom of the toy is also white, and it does not glow, except when the toy is on or charging. When charging, the butt glows with a gently flashing light, and when it is charged, that light stays on. When the toy is on, the light stays on the whole time. Now, the light on the butt is brighter than I would prefer. I was afraid that my camp neighbors could see all the outlines when I used this toy. However, this use as an indicator is simple and elegant, just like the wand itself. I love that it was easy to figure out and I never had to pick up the manual or box. Additionally, the charging cord is connected with magnets, which I still think is cool and no one will convince me otherwise. It makes up for the toy having a non-universal charger, which I know some people hate.

So how does the toy feel in use? Well, I will admit this. If I stayed home and always had my Doxy wands available, I wouldn’t use this toy very often. It’s not as powerful as my clit enjoys, and the options available get me off harder and faster. It’s a standard mini wand, nothing special. It’s got 5 different speeds (which all felt pretty good) and 5 rhythms (which I never touch because I’m a lazy reviewer and I know those will not get me off ever). These are all cycled through with the one button, which is standard.

You know what? I don’t remember this wand promising me anything special. It is built to be travel-sized and used during travel. As a travel toy, this wand excels for me. It’s on par with my favorite bullet from Fun Factory, which is in my safer sex kit for a reason. I love how it looks and how it feels in a travel situation. It stays off when I want it to, and it turns on when I wanted it. Based on my masturbation times and how long between charges while I was gone, I would say the battery lasts about four hours, which is really good for a travel toy.

This toy was sent to me with two mini wand attachments to use with it, which really changed the experience for me. The head of the wand on it’s own is lovely, but the two attachments added some variety, which I felt elevated this toy from an 8 to a 9.

The Noje W3 Wand is leaning against the sleeping bag, and the wand attachments are sitting beside it. They are all out of the box and the attachments are clean and white.

The first head was deemed The Hugger because it had two hard nubs that extended and it sort of hugs the clit. I enjoyed this attachment the most because it allowed me to use a lot of pressure, which I need to get off. I also loved how it felt on my clit. The dual heads made me feel surrounded. At first, it was a little shocking and it felt like my clit couldn’t get away. But after a minute, I found just the right angle to get off. It was a great orgasm.

The other head is extremely different. It was called The Flicker one side of this head has a thin piece of silicone sticking out that is roughly disk shaped. It shakes when the wand is on and creates a delightful flap that felt great for a tease. I used it to get warmed up and I could place it on my clit, hood or anywhere around my labia to help get the blood flowing. The other side that doesn’t have that flapping disc (which is the name of my new 90s nostalgia band by the way) has a ball of silicone the size of a marble. That little ball is the side I use for pressure. After I’m warmed up, I can jam that into my clit and get off. It doesn’t feel quite as good as The Hugger, but it’s still good.

All in all, this toy is really solid. I will continue to bring it on my travels, and I will continue to use it in canvas homes, truck stops, and many hotel rooms. I thoroughly enjoy having an elegant and simple wand to use when I’m away.

This toy was sent to me by the kind folx at SheVibe in exchange for a fair and honest review. At time of publishing, this toy retails for about $36 (USD). You can purchase in Sage (green), Rose (pink), or Wisteria (purple). The wand attachments can be purchased here for about $8 (USD) at time of publishing.

Indigo Tries the Love Martini!

10 out of 10

This drink is robbed directly from the menu of The Melting Pot, and I am not sorry about it, because they named it something as stupid as “The Love Martini.”

Earlier this year, my platonic life partner went to The Melting Pot with her coworkers and they had a great time. The group ordered this drink because the ingredients sounded delicious. (It involved Cranberry Juice and Peach Schnapps, which is a favorite combination in our house. Seriously, that drink tastes like a push pop.) Try it. This drink was developed specifically for the Valentine’s Day events at the Melting Pot, which probably explains that awful name. Being the group of beautiful humans that they are, my partner and her coworkers immediately befriended the waitress and the bartender in order to find out the exact recipe of the drink.

Since discovering the recipe, we have used this drink at every gathering of friends, and even taken it camping. This particular drink has has been my companion around many firesides this summer. I love sitting with it in hand, blissfully tipsy and watching the conversation go by.

What I love about this drink is that it seems to be as versatile as any cocktail can get. I can easily drink many glasses of this and be roaring drunk. Or I could sip on this with a few friends around a board game and enjoy a mellow tipsy time. It allows a lot of room for modifiers. You could add grenadine for more sweetness or orange juice for more tartness. You could muddle mint and change it into a mojito.

For me, alcoholic beverages are a staple for group gatherings. My friends and I can get together without drinking and have an excellent time, but it’s companionable to crack open a few beers (or pour a few cocktails) and chat. The alcohol relaxes those of us who are anxious, and it loosens the conversation to explore new things.

The Love Martini is a perfect drink to walk these lines. It can be drunk by many people because it’s gluten-free (unlike beer) and it’s tasty. So if you don’t enjoy tasting the alcohol in your alcohol, you can still enjoy this drink. It’s fruity, so many people like the taste of it, but cranberry juice isn’t so sweet that it’s overwhelming. As I pointed out before, you can add any number of ingredients to modify it to your liking. Even simple syrup to make it more sweet is easy.

Now before I finish up, I want to talk about this name. The Love Martini is a trash name for this drink. I think it sounds childish, and I don’t even know if I could say it out loud to order it. I would just point at the menu and say “that one please…the love one.” It makes me think of Harry Potter, but in the way that the Love Potions in Harry Potter only emulated love, not created actual love. That’s how I feel about this drink when I call it The Love Martini: I don’t love it. I just think I do.

Now, I would love to actually fall in love with this drink. To that end, let me help them rename it. Here are a few options :

  • St. Valentine’s Blood
  • Bleeding Heart
  • Valentine’s Juice
  • Berry ‘Em in Romance
  • The COCKtail (for after hours)

Or my personal favorite:

  • The Heartini

So this cocktail has quickly become a new favorite both in my household and in the groups I camp and socialize with. We will continue to enjoy this drink, and I hope you enjoy the recipe I place below for The Heartini (Melting Pot, I will happily take a payout so you can use that name).

The Heartini

  • 1 part coconut rum
  • 1 part peach schnapps
  • 4 parts of Cranberry Juice

Mix all ingredients over ice, or in cocktail shaker. Enjoy!

Variations:

The Love Mintini (I’m okay with it because it’s a pun now): Muddle a few sprigs of mint in the glass before adding liquids.

Orange You Glad I Heart You: Exchange two parts of cranberry juice for orange juice.

The Secret Admirer: Add a small splash of Grenadine.

Indigo Explores: Kink Dynamics and Communication in Them!

10 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a good draft beer. There’s a huge amount of variety. Sometimes, it takes some getting used to the taste (especially in those microbreweries). And how long you nurse it depends on you.

I want to start this post off by saying that I use the words “vanilla” and “kinky” a lot. To me, kinky is a self-identified descriptor, which is surrounded by blurry lines (and I’ll go into detail on this later in the post). Vanilla sex simply means anything else. I personally feel that vanilla is a great descriptor word for this because vanilla is a flavor itself. It is not a lack of flavor, as I believed when I was a kid. It’s complex and full-bodied just like anything else. So I don’t use vanilla in a disparaging or judgmental way. It’s just a colloquial term for sex that is not kinky.

At Woodhull this year, I had the great privilege of hooking up with someone who I had been flirting with for months. He initiated and it was excellent fun to build up the tension and finally get to actually have sex after that!

However, there was one thing that caught me off guard about this partner; he is not kinky. He has described himself as “kink-adjacent,” which is a fun descriptor that makes sense for him. I have never identified as a vanilla person, but I have had lots of vanilla sex before. My long-term partners have a tendency to start the relationship vanilla, but eventually, I reveal (or possibly install) a kinky side that takes over our dynamics.

After having a partner for two years who I shared an extremely kinky dynamic with, I had forgotten what a vanilla hook-up felt like. If I’m being honest, I don’t think this particular hook-up has really reminded me either. It started out innocently, with make outs and oral and fingering. However, over the course of two separate sessions, he had fisted me, pinned me down (including my head/face), and gotten me off using his foot? So suddenly, this “vanilla” hook-up became some of the kinkiest sex I’ve had (completely on accident).

As I thought about these different descriptors, and how I felt throughout the sex, I began to realize some fun things about sex and kink. Until recently, I would not have called urination a kinky act. However, as someone who is mentally exploring the hypothetical of watersports, I now feel distinctly kinky sometimes as I duck into the bathroom. The same thing could be said of rope, which I saw frequently in the theatre and hardware stores, but now I can’t look at rope without getting a little wet. The lines between “sexy,” “kinky,” and “vanilla” can blur in subtle ways.

I recently saw Kevin Patterson describe himself as “french vanilla” or “kink-adjacent,” so I reached out for a more detailed description of this and got this quote:

“I’ve got lots of partners who are kinky. None of it really sets my soul on fire, but I’m into seeing my partners happy. Their reactions are my kink. So, if that means biting the shit out of someone who’s into biting, I’m into it. If I get to watch my partner melt because I call her a “good girl”, that’s what I’m doing that night. It should still come with some communication, negotiation, and boundaries though. But yeah, for the most part, if it’s not a complete departure from my comfort zone, if my partner is hot for something I can turn it on for their benefit. And their reaction turns me on.”

Kevin Patterson of PolyRoleModels

I commented off-hand that this sounded like a service top to me, and Kevin didn’t disagree. However, I would never place that title on anyone who didn’t claim it themselves.

When I asked about full negotiations and other communication styles usually associated with kink, Kevin told me he had never participated in any of them. I’ve begun to re-frame kink in my mind. It still has to do with fetish and what gets people off, but kink is more than the actions that are taken in the bedroom. Instead, it is a feeling and dynamic that may or may not include sex at all. It has more to do with communication and mental/emotional dynamics. That may sound elementary to some, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it said out loud.

This idea becomes more clear to me as I hear about folx who experience and play with kink, but never involve penetration or stimulation of sexuality at all. I met one couple who enjoyed co-topping new people, but it only ever involved impact and sensation play. It never breached into penetration, genital stimulation or even dirty talk. Their focus was instead catharsis for themselves and their bottoms. It reminds me of the subtle lines that a therapist walks with clients. They can be friends, but it’s only in the loosest definition of it. Anything more would be crossing their professional limits.

At Woodhull, I also had a couple of excellent (extremely kinky) sessions with a close friend of mine, who I have played with a few times in the past. We did a scene that involved a lot of impact, where I did slip into subspace. It was familiar, but still deep and exploratory for me. This scene did involve a lot of negotiation, and a lot of verbal communication throughout. This is the kind of interaction I am used to these days, which makes me wonder how I will ever have a one night stand ever again. In this interaction, I was able to let go more fully and let my partner lead me where he wanted. It was more relaxing for me, because I did not feel the need to check in with myself mentally. I knew he was watching and I completely trusted him. This is partially because we’ve played many times before. But it also has a lot to do with the negotiation. He knew my limits, wants and needs. Because I knew that he knew, I didn’t feel the need to check in during the scene, and could leave that responsibility to him as we agreed.

I played with one other person at Woodhull, who revealed to me an entirely different mindset in kink scenarios. (This is why I love my life: every time I think I know about kink/sex/relationships, I learn something new that I just haven’t seen before.) This partner was amazingly relaxed. We simply did some play with scratching and other sensations. I would not say that I was dominated. Anything they asked me to do, I did it, but it was never from a place of submissive obedience. It was simply playing, in the truest sense of the word. I did not mentally relax through the scene in the same way I normally do because the negotiation was brief and not comprehensive. I needed to make sure I was mentally and physically okay the whole time because the top never agreed to take on that responsibility. We laughed and chatted through the whole scene. It never brought on any subspace, and I never felt like we weren’t equal. In fact, I felt energized and entertained by the play. It was almost like a therapy session in that it left me fully centered and ready for life.

So in one weekend, I had three different partners (hello I am slut). Between those three, I experienced styles that differed wider than I thought was possible. I’m used to each partner having subtle differences. However, this was like having different languages to learn on the fly. Good gods, it was the most fun I’ve had since I discovered puzzle games on my phone. It started me thinking about communication in a whole new way.

So what happened in the first (vanilla) hook-up? Well, there was no negotiation. Though I was at one point pinned down, I didn’t say “I’m okay with this.” Of course, I consented to everything. The sex was hot and the person could read my enthusiastic yes to everything, but I did not verbally say “I like this” until after we were done. Even then, it was in a casual way. We talked about our firsts (“I’ve never gotten anyone off with my foot before,” “I’ve never had a fist that big inside me”), but we didn’t decompress as I’m used to after sex. Though I had been dominated during sex, I did not go into subspace. As a result, I didn’t need that much aftercare, and what I received was exactly what I needed. It was about 20 minutes of cuddling and laughing, just enough to enjoy the sexy afterglow. Then we showered (and had more sex there) and parted ways for the next activity. These are all the things that seem to come with the unwritten rules of vanilla hook-ups.

I looked to my vanilla consultant, Kevin, to help with these unsaid cues and how to navigate them:

Kevin: I just trust my partners to tell me what they like…and to be honest when I check in with them.

Indigo: How do you check in? Words? Physical Cues?

Kevin: Physical to start, but verbal whenever there’s anything even vaguely uncertain.

Indigo: If you don’t mind my asking, what does a physical yes look like versus anything uncertain?

Kevin: Moaning, arching in, eye contact, heavy breathing. Versus still breathing, hand stopping. quick sharp inhalations, wincing.”

-Conversation between Me and Kevin Patterson via Twitter DMs

Though the sex was amazing, and I wrote about it extensively in my personal logs, I didn’t feel the same way I do when I have kinky sex. Kinky sex touches my soul very deeply. I connect with partners in a way that I rarely achieve just through vanilla sex acts. I have been grappling with what it is that I miss with (most of my) vanilla sex. When I compared these different partners at Woodhull, I realized I am missing vulnerability and trust. When I don’t negotiate in any way with a new partner, I can’t really let myself go around them until we’ve had a few sessions together. It takes me longer to release my brain and let the sensations take over. Until that happens, I can’t be in the moment the same way someone else is.

Before I offend anyone, I have had non-kinky sex that was extremely connective and it helped me feel closer to my partners and it was amazing. But that has only happened with established partners who I’ve had sex with a lot. In one night stands, or sessions with new partners, it is unlikely that I will completely relax and be in the moment. When I negotiate a kinky scene, there is more freedom for me to relax because I know we have explored the options and covered limits, boundaries, and cues. The emotional return on kinky scenes is immediate, in some ways. After just a 30 minute conversation, I can immediately relax into the scene, instead of having to wait until I know and trust my partner.

So when kinky acts get explored without using explicit words, it’s often just fine. With very little communication, my first ever sex partner tied me up and fucked me. That went well for me, and I’m still a rope enthusiast. With no verbal communication, my vanilla hook-up concluded with a foot job, and getting pinned down. That ended up great for me, and I hope to have more interactions with this partner.

But it still frightens me a bit to think about hook-ups with other people going the same way. This partner and I flirted online for months, and we read each other’s work, so there was subtle communication, and time to get to know each other. That doesn’t even count the vetting from other mutual friends. During our sessions, I did not know what would happen from one moment to the next, and that was exhilarating. However, if I had met him at a bar somewhere, I would not have let him do half the things he did. I trusted him enough for them because we had chatted for months. And so it scares me when I think about the lines between kink and vanilla beginning to muddle. If someone doesn’t take the time to understand what they are doing in a scene, feelings and physical bodies can be hurt. Trauma can be created or past traumas triggered.

In my lifetime, I have been lucky to experience all levels of kink with my partners, and I have been luckier still that my experiences are all good. I want to learn more about different styles of kink and communication, and how they develop. It’s important to have a good time in this life, but it’s also important to protect yourself and others. This is what I explore and emphasize communication whenever possible. Personally, I feel comfortable in the balance I’ve found. I can give someone my trust, but it has to be earned by them, and I do not regret where I’ve placed my sexual trust so far.

Indigo Tries the Pierre and Packer Pouch

For the Pierre: 10 out of 10

For the Packer Pouch: 4 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a nice 7&7 because the average score is 7. Not a bad drink, but not the best either. And only one of the ingredients is the issue. The other is gold.

These two items were sent to me by Betty’s Toybox. They are a great company who have lifted me up multiple times as a new blogger. If you’re interested in the pouch, you can buy it for $19 USD at time of publishing. If you’re interested in the Pierre, you can peruse four color choices ranging from Cashew to Chocolate. They are priced at $50 USD at time of publishing.

The New York Toy Collective Pierre and Packer Pouch sit on a small wooden table. The Pierre is roughly the color of a shelled cashew nut, and it is about 4 inches long. The Pierre also has testicles that are about 3 inches long and is modeled to look like an uncircumcised penis. Next to it is the packer pouch, which is plan black nylon with a New York Toy Collective logo on the bottom right corner.

It’s been a long time that I’ve wanted to try a packer. When I was with my last partner, I used socks occasionally and we would try out masculine terms during playtime. It felt right more often than I thought it would, considering how my gender fluctuates. Since those experiments, I have wanted a packer that felt more real and mindful of this purpose. I wanted it to be penis-shaped and the color of my skin (roughly). I wanted it to be used for that purpose so I wouldn’t feel like I had to fake it.

When I had the opportunity to ask for a packer from Betty’s Toybox and a packer pouch to match, I was so looking forward to having my own dick. And when the Pierre arrived, it was perfect.

Now, because of who I am as a person, I know the way to accurately measure how big someone’s penis is based on their hand. This assumes that the person in question is proportional. I learned this from a nurse, but it’s hard to describe through text. So if we ever meet in person, remind me to show to the dick length trick. Anyhow, through this trick, I’ve always known that had I been born with a penis, I would have one that was average length at most (about 5-6 inches) and with a wide diameter.

I have never once met a dick I didn’t like. Dicks are great no matter their size or width. Sometimes the people attached to them are less than favorable, but the dicks themselves are excellent. So my dick would be a little shorter and wider than the “average” dick, which makes me incredibly happy. I am pleased to know my body, even if it is hypothetical. As a result, I felt the Pierre and was immediately pleased by it. The length, the girth and the feel of it were all correct. It felt good in my hands.

The Pierre is pure silicone, with a soft shore. It’s modeled to look like a flaccid, uncircumcised penis with testicles at the base. Mine is in cashew color, which is the palest option. The penis length is 4.75″ and it’s width is about 1″. Because it is pure silicone, it can be sterilized through boiling or bleach/water mix. I haven’t worried too much about that with the Pierre because it’s only a soft packer, so it doesn’t get used except in a cotton housing.

In wear, the Pierre is very much like a small dream come true. The weight of it is wonderful, and I love how the size just peeks from between my hips. When I wear this with tight pants, it’s a definite bulge, but if I wear it with my usual baggy cargo pants, it becomes a little secretive. It’s something I remember when I walk in an unusual way, or sit and try to place my hands in my lap. I love both of these unique feelings, but more commonly, I choose the baggy pants because it’s less obtrusive in my small city (surrounded by conservatives).

With the Pierre being raved about, let me talk about the packer pouch. These are both items made by New York Toy Collective. I love the company because they never use words like “flesh-colored” and instead use foods to denote color. They also have a wide array of items for both trans folx as well as toys that are just plain fun to use. I also love their social media, which normalizes packing, including gender bending. It’s common for me to see short clips showing off how a particular dick looks in a skirt or short shorts. I thoroughly enjoy seeing folx like myself in their advertising and I look forward to seeing more.

So the packer pouch is far less expensive at $19 USD. It’s a simple and ingenious really. I thought “how could this work with every pair of underwear?” Well, it’s a simple nylon pouch with one edge of the opening longer than the other. In that longer side, there are strong magnets. This long edge can be folded over the top of underwear and they line up with magnets in the front of the pouch, which holds it in place.

So it does in fact work with every pair of underwear. However, the pouch is only about five inches long once put in place. This is where the pouches problems become apparent. As I placed it into my first trial underwear, I realized that five inches is not quite enough for me, though I’m uncertain if it is because my torso is long, if I’m too fat or if I just wear my underwear higher than most. Any of these could be the reason that this pouch didn’t work for me.

On a small wooden table sits the New York Toy Collective Packer Pouch with the Pierre inside. You can just see the outline of the Pierre's head and testicles, but the light doesn't reveal much more.

Here’s what happened: I would put the pouch on with my Pierre inside and I would begin my day’s work. After awhile, I would stop to use the restroom, and I would notice that the pouch had moved. One time, it almost fell into a toilet in a Staples and I just about had a heart attack. So I used a thinner underwear on my second trial. My men’s underwear is thick and cotton, so I thought the change would help the pouch stay in place. However, the same issue happened. Sometimes it was because of the magnets coming unattached, but often I would tug the pouch to sit somewhere more natural, and it would come undone.

In essence, there was no easy way for me to wear this pouch long term. I believe that someone smaller than me (either in length or width), will have an easier time wearing this pouch and using it for it’s intended purpose.

It was really hard for me to write this review, because I wanted to love both of these products so much. I wanted to wear this more days than not and have it feel as natural as the Pierre did in my hands. I put off writing it, trying it with different underwear, and new combinations of clothes. It just did not accomplish what I hoped it would.

So between these two products, the Pierre was a clear winner for me and a packer I will use whenever I can with other harnesses. However, the packer pouch will probably live in my underwear drawer, waiting to be used. It didn’t feel right to review them separately, because each other depended on the other for use. As a result, this review might be a bit longer than usual, but I hope that it is still useful for folx looking in this as an option.

These two items were sent to me by Betty’s Toybox. They are a great company who have lifted me up multiple times as a new blogger. If you’re interested in the pouch, you can buy it for $19 USD at time of publishing. If you’re interested in the Pierre, you can peruse four color choices ranging from Cashew to Chocolate. They are priced at $50 USD at time of publishing.

What Happens When Your Femininity Doesn’t Fit the Script?

This is another personal essay that I have poured some heart and soul into. These types of posts are common as I travel, because I’m often spending time by myself. These things are healthy for me to reflect on. By writing them (even in the throes of emotion), I hope to either open a dialogue, or to help someone else not feel quite so alone. 

Trigger Warnings: Fatphobia, Eating/Food/Weight Talk, Suicidal Ideations, Mental Health Problems

I have made no secret of the fact that I was assigned female at birth. I also have often talked about my childhood as a tomboy. As a kid, I always stood out. My parents were older, and when my sister rejected me for the first 15 years of my life, I figured out how to be alone. Despite teachers consistently pairing me with other “loners,” I stubbornly refused to fit in with others. I did what I wanted for the most part, and I liked what I did. I would not let anyone else ruin that for me.

When I started Kindergarten, I was about average weight with the other kids. I was mostly happy to be in school, and even though I didn’t have consistent friends, I socialized well and I charmed many of the teachers. Somehow, for most of my childhood, I hid stress and sorrow, including from myself. A lot of these things had to do with the parenting style I was exposed to. In addition, I was witness to many family fights, and often subject guilt trips from my mother. Growing up, I didn’t have boundaries to set my life on a healthy track, physically or emotionally. It is by shear luck that I am smart as I am, which saved me in school.

However, as a result of this, and some genetics, I was overweight by the time I was in 4th grade. I remember hiding it under clothes as large as I could get. I have no memories of wearing Medium as a size because I moved to Large as soon as I could. I always reasoned that I would lose the weight and wear a Medium when I was in high school, when I was in college, as an adult. I spent years looking at diets, marveling at the before and after pictures. I wondered how those people had so much will power. And what did they have that I didn’t? I was smart and strong and committed. Why didn’t I just shed weight like them?

I was 9 years old.

My father passed the same year I hit puberty. I was 12. My feet grew two sizes in one summer, and the rest of my followed. Soon, I was wearing Extra Large instead of Large. I was taller than everyone in middle school, and I began to hunch, trying so hard to blend in. At the very least, I wanted to be ignored. I had a hard time keeping up with my growth. After 7th grade, all my pants were showing my ankles, so I chopped them into shorts, which also shortened to show my knees.

I learned how to live with unflattering clothes when my school adopted uniforms. Nothing fit right, and though colors didn’t matter, I felt more out of place than ever. I found small ways to break the rules. Colored socks, hats, wristbands. Anything to make myself feel like myself again. Because school was all I did. My depression and family loss made it impossible to be social otherwise. So I held onto my own identity desperately, even though I didn’t even know what it was. One day, I was called out by a teacher for wearing knee-high socks that were brightly colored. My very thin and attractive best friend was standing right next to me with fluorescent striped thigh-highs. She was ignored.

Now that I reflect, I understand my entire identity revolved around NOT fitting in. I embraced my height and my fatness as much as possible. I ate what I wanted and I took no shit from my peers. I became a master at charming teachers so I could be by myself as often as possible. While so many other girls were flirting and chatting, I was reading, or scowling into my lunch. Throughout middle school, a single person expressed interest in getting to know me romantically. He was cute and I would have tried, except that I didn’t believe or trust him. This narrative would be repeated until I was 20.

Physically, I continued to grow. I now stand at 5’10” and I weight roughly 290 pounds. I am intimidating. Friends often looked to me for protection, and I learned how to be the bouncer for us when we went out. These instincts later fueled a joke that I was the Dad-friend. They aren’t wrong. I continue to be intimidating to most people who don’t know me, and this leads many people to leave me alone. I have been cat-called a total of 4 times in my life. Two of those times I was with friends with friends (so I may not have been the target). I have been asked on dates only thrice. All other times, I have initiated.  I hear people complain about being cat-called or bothered at bars, and I am envious. Cat-calling is not okay for anyone and I want it? What the fuck is wrong with this?

When femininity is measured by the response cis-men have to you, it leaves people like me largely ignored, and feeling isolated and unseen. To this day, I still wonder if people interested in me are just playing a cruel joke.

I heard about other women being flirted with, asked out, bought drinks, and cat-called. A lot of them learned to base their worth on these things, and they had been judged worthy (though it was precariously placed in the hands of others). However, without those things to deem me worthy, I adopted “worthless.” I lived my life in as much shadow as I could. No one could prove to me I was worth anything. Anytime one person tried, the rest of the system denied it. Entire social systems against one small, depressed girl.

I wish I could say it’s better now. But wherever I turn, I see more fat hate. I see more messages telling me I’m wrong for being non-binary. People DM me and are mad that I tell them up front “I am not a woman.” I hear friends say “You were a really cute girl, and it will be sad to lose it.” My only question is: By whose standards was I cute? Clearly not most of the men I met. Clearly not most of the women. Clearly not society at large. Because almost no one ever said these things to me when I was a woman. Only seven people in my life had ever visibly and openly demonstrated that they thought I was worth noticing.

My mother consistently asks me about my Testosterone shots. When will I stop them? Why do I need them?

Here’s the truth mom: I need them because I’ve never been a woman. I’ve been Othered even when I TRIED to be a woman. When I tried all the ways possible to be more feminine, I was still ignored. I use Testosterone to help me feel like I belong in my body because my body never fit any mold anyway. And honestly, I don’t have ANY idea what you think will happen when/if I stop testosterone. Will I suddenly be seen as “acceptable?” Will I suddenly find a man and settle down like my sisters?

NO. FUCK NO.

Because I am tall. Because I am fat. Because I am not traditionally pretty. Because even without testosterone, my body was deemed “undesirable” by the world at large. I finally feel at peace with that decision. I finally feel like I have control over that decision. Yes, I am having an even harder time than ever finding someone to love, and that makes me sad. But I finally love my hips and my curves. I love the beard that grows when I don’t shave. I love how my jawline is hardening. I love my hairy legs.

I still haven’t been deemed worthy by society, and that still stings. It always will. But I have been deemed worthy by myself. It’s the one tiny bit of hope that I’m using to stay alive, and it’s still precarious. Why would you ever want to take away that last protection?

 

Indigo Tries the Lust Arts Frank’s Monster!

10 out of 10

Pairs very nicely with Whiskey Sour. It’s got full flavor and it’s very iconic. Not to mention that one too many will leave you in stitches (heeeyo).

This toy was sent to me by Lust Arts in exchange for a fair and honest review. At time of posting, it retails from $55 to $145, and you can purchase it here!

Two versions Lust Arts Frank's Monster sit on a rock together. One head sits on the other's shaft. The toys both look like their have stitches and wounds to mimic Frankenstein's Monster. One is purple and one is white.

Lust Arts came onto my radar originally through Frank’s Monster. Someone posted a photo of this dildo in the sex blogger chatroom and mentioned that it would probably be a monster to clean (pun intended, as always). I agreed, based on the photo. Those holes looked so deep and I just imagined all the vag gunk that would inevitably live in there. When I was able to chat with the owner, I offered an extra review because I could NOT choose between the Unicorn Horn and the Monster. Because I needed to see how this would clean. I needed to.

I am happy to say this finally: This toy is incredibly easy to clean. The 100% silicone means it sanitizes with soap and water, and the holes being deep was an illusion, produced by an inner core of black silicone, which peeps out where the outer color is shallow (in those “holes”). The soap and water washes everything away fantastically, and this toy takes no extra time to clean, while also being visually stunning.

And as a sex blogger, I am not ashamed to say that I noticed all of this as soon as I pulled out the toy. Because these are the things I think about now.

Now, because I am a lucky duck, there was a slight flaw in my first toy (which was in the Orchid/Purple color). This one is a firm inner core with a medium outer core, which I’ll talk more about later. However, because this one had a flaw, the owner sent me a second one, which I requested in Classic Film/White. This one, I also requested in the Medium core with a Soft outside. I did this because I felt that it would be more natural for a toy to be softer on the outside, which is true for me. I also wanted to be able to review the toy in more aspects, so I just went one step softer on each.

Two versions of Lust Art's Frank's Monster's sit on a rock. Both are on their bases, so they look erect. There is wheat in the background.

If you decide that White, Purple, and Green are not enough options, then there are custom options too!

Now, the lovely owner also knows I am a size kweeng. So I received both of these toys in the largest size, the Pounder. This size is 7″ insertable, and is 2.75″ at it’s largest diameter. It’s a perfect size for me to struggle just a little on initial insertion and then firmly conquer. I have gotten into the habit of starting with my White one (medium/soft) and then moving up to the Purple (firm/medium). The softer one allows my muscles to acclimate to the girth of the toy a little bit at a time. And I love being able to squeeze the toys I use because I like to show off my core. However, the firm one matches my usual routine of abusing my body with as much pressure and fight back as possible.

This toy is one of the most unique toys I’ve used in awhile. There is a gentle curve in the shaft of the toy, that perfectly places it into my g-spot. However, there is a selection of texture up and down the shaft. The combination is amazing, because I love texture, and I love g-spot sensation. This toy works perfectly whether I want to insert it and squeeze while I use a vibe, but it doesn’t slack off on the thrusting thanks to that texture.

As I always will when talking about Lust Arts, I have to mention the sizing options available. Now, they don’t use words like “Small” and “Large,” because that makes some people uncomfortable. They use names like “Teaser” and “Moaner” and “Pounder.” At first, these seemed a bit out of place, but after some thought, I realize that I love these names. Lust Arts knows what they do and they lean into it. Those names are cheeky and not shaming. Now, I feel like when I see them, it makes my purchase a fun one, and I can embrace it. The most important thing about the sizing options is that they are there. And that paired with the color is what really brings this toy up to a 10.The white version of Lust Art's Frank's monster sits on it's base on a rock. There are many more rocks behind it.

I think everyone could find something they like about this toy. If it’s not great in use, it’s a masterful art piece. If it’s too big, there are smaller sizes. If it’s too firm, there’s soft silicone options. I feel like Lust Arts as a company has thought of so many things. And they have been so open to correcting for things they haven’t thought of.

This toy was sent to me by Lust Arts in exchange for a fair and honest review. At time of posting, it retails from $55 to $145, and you can purchase it here!

Indigo Tries the Lust Arts Unicorn Horn!

9 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a Sex on the Beach. I do mean the drink, but also the act. It’s a little bit magical and full of fruity goodness.

This toy was sent to me by Lust Arts, and you can purchase it here. It ranges from $40 USD to $130 USD at time of posting. Prices vary based on color choice and size choice.

A photo of the Lust Arts Unicorn Horn. It sits on a dirt patch, with wheat growing around it. In the background is a majestic blue sky.

This is part of my series: Sex Toys in National Parks.

A few months ago, I was approached by Lust Arts not just for reviews, but also for some consulting. As we know, I love to work with companies that are willing to pay and pay fairly. When I was politely approached by them, I happily sent my rates and since then, my interactions with them have been nothing but pleasant and lovely. It is rare to find a company so forward, transparent and willing to work with small bloggers like me (though I acknowledge I am not as small as I used to be).

I am here to talk about one specific toy; the Unicorn Horn. But I highly recommend checking out Lust Arts for any variety of their toys.

When I started blogging, I saw Split Peaches and the unicorn horns they make, but I wasn’t as excited about them. I liked them as an idea, yes. But they seemed a bit cartoon-like and I wasn’t as interested in the candy aesthetic. However, the idea was delightful, and I longed for a more grown up version of a unicorn horn dildo. Lust Arts delivered, describing their own horns as “high fantasy” and I cannot disagree. When I saw the Rainbow Agate color, I was very excited about the possibilities. But in the end, I chose the “Sunlight” option. The gold base is perfectly paired with a pearly white horn. This made my inner small girl scream.

Story Time! As a kid, I loved unicorns. I had a set of paper plates and cups that had unicorns on them for a birthday party. When the day came, I hid them in my room because I didn’t want them to get ruined with food. They sat in my dresser for years before they finally got tossed. This is how much I loved unicorns.

So when I saw the Sunlight coloring, what else could I do, but fulfill all my girlhood dreams of owning my own unicorn that would love me unconditionally and make all my dreams come true?

Well, this toy is certainly a new favorite of mine. I won’t lie; a good portion of that love comes from the novelty of having a truly majestic look to it. It’s detailed and angled in a beautiful way that reminds me of the novels I read growing up. However, this toy is also a really great toy to use.

Personally, I have the largest size because I am size royalty. The Screamer size is 8″ insertable and up to a 2.3″ diameter at the base. All sizes have the measurements posted for all toys on the Lust Arts website, which is another reason I love them, but I digress. When I received this, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to take all of the toy. However, I proved myself wrong quickly, and I genuinely think it has to do with the shape of the toy. The gradual increase of the diameter from .85″ to 2.3″ is wonderful for training. I have even used this in my ass, and as a result, I can take even bigger toys than before. It has the perfect gradient for stretching, which means I’ll probably use this toy for others as well, if I ever get the privilege of helping someone train a hole.

Now, aside from being a convenient shape, how does this dildo feel? Well I will admit that a few people may not like the shape of this. Some folks find cone shapes to be boring. Personally, I genuinely love the feeling of being stretched, so I love this toy for that reason. However, I think that this particular dildo has a better chance of being enjoyable than others, even if you don’t like cone shapes. The horn is so textured that it prevents the shape from being boring, even around the smaller end. I can feel the differences in the spirals and I enjoy using this toy, even if I don’t insert it all the way. If you like stretching, don’t be afraid to get a bigger size!

Because I love firm toys so much, I definitely got the firmest silicone I could. However, I also love how squishy this toy is, and I believe even the softer silicone would be a joy to use. Additionally, there is an option for custom colors. When considering the color, size and shore all come with variable option, this dildo is extremely versatile.

The Lust Arts Unicorn horn sits in a dirt patch right in front of a green tree root. In the immediate background is a stream. It's a beautiful wooded scene with moss and ferns.

How could I not? This stream was magical.

As some of my readers may know, I’ve been living on the road for about two months now. This was one of the toys I brought with me, and not just because I had to do this review. This toy is easy to clean, and easy to use. I even use it without breaking out my lube samples because it inserts so easily. Rest assured, that this toy travels well and will be coming with me when I travel again.

Over all, I love this toy. The aesthetic of it is a perfect blend of my childhood dreams and my adult desires. I love how it feels, and how easy it is to use and clean. I genuinely love the company that makes this toy and the owner is respectful and lovely to work with. I cannot wait to see more from them, and I think this toy has potential for a lot of people to enjoy it. And those COLORS.

This toy was sent to me by Lust Arts, and you can purchase it here. It ranges from $40 USD to $130 USD at time of posting. Prices vary based on color choice and size choice.

Indigo is a Bottom!

10 out of 10 (for me, anyway)

Pairs nicely with a daiquiri. It’s sweet, smooth, and most of the time, it’s fruity.

Last week, I had sex with a new partner, and this interaction turned out to be really good for me, for a lot of reasons. You can read about the fun times I had, but right now I want to focus on one of the main thoughts that I pulled from this from this interaction, which was a simple sentence: “Reciprocity is subjective.”

Now, my companion said this the in the morning morning as we cuddled and chatted about the sex the night before. He complimented the noises I made, and my giggle, and how hot it was when I squirted. Of course, I giggled though this and was elated at the positive attention. I mentioned that I get extremely wrapped up in my own body and sensations, which makes me less like to reciprocate actions. Usually, you don’t want something in my mouth while I’m being pleasured because I lose focus. 69 is…not the best sex act for me to perform, honestly.

And then he dropped that bit of wisdom, and if I had been more awake, or less in post-morning-orgasm-bliss, I would have talked a lot about how that exact line affected me. Honestly, maybe it’s a good thing because he would have kicked me out for all my chatting at 5 AM. Because in all honesty, it revolutionized how I think about sex, and specifically my style of sex.

Since I’ve been having sex, I’ve been primarily a bottom. One ex has even described be as a “power bottom.” I don’t disagree with this statement. I have something weird with my sense of touch. Sometimes, the sensations I feel take over whatever I’m doing and I lost all autonomy. I very often don’t know what to do with myself during an orgasm, which has in the past ended in me chewing up shirt collars, sheets, pillows, or partners. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not sure my partners would want to hear that. I’ve always experienced tactile sensations this way; they permeate my being. I touch things that I like to look at to make sure they feel as good as they look. I feel pain from where it happens to all over my body. This makes me good at communicating what I like, though I can’t always make my mouth work fast enough once the sex starts. It makes me good at edging myself. It makes me a great receiver for pain, pleasure, and every sensation between or around those.

However, when my partner described me as a power bottom, I was worried this title meant it such that I never fulfill others’ needs in the bedroom. I am consistently worried about being a good service submissive, and making sure my Doms or Daddies are happy. To be called a power bottom unraveled everything I thought of myself. I think I’ve honestly struggled with this particular statement for years.

So what do I offer in bed? Well, I’ve been told I’m good. I even wrote a post about how good I am. But I always have a doubt in the back of my mind that it’s all beautiful lies. Perhaps all my partners just say I’m good to placate me. Perhaps they all fake their orgasms. Though I enjoy giving and I do perform many physical acts with (and for) my partners, I do often remember the times that I have received acts more clearly. Those are the moments that I really focus on when I’m writing erotica or masturbating. Because those are the acts that linger in my memories, does that mean that receiving is all I do? Does it mean that my partners are left to please themselves after I’m finished with them?

Well no, and all of those thoughts are wrapped up in a complex guilt issue that I have, which is the result of years of verbal and emotional abuse. I’m constantly seeking affirmation, and now I think I can finally give that to myself. Because reciprocity is subjective. So receiving a fist, or a tongue is my way of giving. I can give someone an excellent and fulfilling time by having orgasm after orgasm. As long as that is what they want. On top of all the acts that I love being on the receiving end of, I can still talk to partners and listen to their wants and needs. I can give more blow jobs, or hand jobs. I can dirty talk more. If I don’t focus on giving a physical act naturally, that doesn’t mean I can’t change my focus. If I’m going to learn how my partner wants to be shown pleasure, I can also learn how to give them pleasure.

When someone has sex with me and decides they want to do so again, it means they enjoy what I offer. There is not a tangible or quantifiable way to measure reciprocity. My form of giving back in energy and reaction, is the same as someone giving back in blow jobs. I can now fully believe that I do “reciprocate” in sex I have. This revelation is proof that I need to be a slut more often and sleep with cool people who say cool things.