Please be aware as you read this that it involves some short erotica scenes. They may not be safe for your workplace, depending on where you work! Photos have been omitted on purpose to help mitigate this risk!

Imagine this. You’re banging a really rad human. They have all kinds of wonderful curves. They are laid upon the bed with their legs open. You can see their loins and feel their wetness. They are ready to orgasm again under your touch. You insert a few fingers into them and push up, finding that gorgeous place that makes them moan. They start immediately, and you drink up every delicious noise that comes from their mouth.

Suddenly, your hand is soaked, the bed is soaked. You awkwardly stumble through the orgasm they have, but the whole time, all you can focus on in the mattress, which was brand new and is now completely wet with their juices. Part of you thinks it is incredibly hot. It will smell like them until you can make time to clean it. But in the meantime, there will be mold to think about. Will the mattress survive until tomorrow morning when they are gone and you can finally get out the carpet cleaner (your best idea for cleaning it)?

It’s not something that happens every day, but it happens often enough for there to be a solution. That’s right, there’s a really great product that can help with this scenario. You get to focus on their orgasm around your hand, and they can squirt all they want. It’s truly a win-win kind of purchase. In case you haven’t guessed, I’m of course talking about a waterproof sheet. I’ve written about them in a number of places because I am a very juicy human and I have used my Sheets of San Francisco more than any other sex-related object I own. Well, aside from lube.

They have a high price point for some people, and I’m not ignorant of that fact. However, there are so many scenarios where a waterproof sheet can come in handy. Just in case you haven’t thought of all the ways they can improve your life, I am here to assure that I have thought of at least a few, and I’m here to share them with you. Brace yourself for some brief, juicy scenes, and a breakdown of the logistics behind them.

Scene 1: Squirting. As outlined above, this particular scene could happen on accident. Someone with a lot of love to give gets you and your bed soaking wet. If it happens enough times, there is a stain, and a faint, lingering odor on your mattress. Not ideal. For the creative bang artist, this can also happen on purpose, with the use of fingers, a dildo, or a lovely fist. After having had an orgasm or two, someone with a vulva who does squirt is more likely to.

I recommend having a waterproof sheet on hand in either scenario. If you know it’s going to happen, you can lay the sheet down beforehand, leaving your partner free to squirt all over. If you aren’t aware it’s going to happen, but suddenly comes up, you can take a brief pause to unfold the sheet and lay it under your partner. Again, they feel free to squirt, and it makes it more relaxed for both of you. This even increases the likelihood that they will orgasm, because they will have less anxiety.

If you aren’t worried about your mattress (how can you not, I mean the things get so gross over so many years, and like partner juices are great, but only where they are supposed to be, and I just love my memory foam mattress so much, I could never leave it like that, but I digress)…

If you aren’t worried about the mattress itself, you might at least be worried about who has to lay in the wet spot after sex. Though I feel that this can lead to shame for some people, I don’t want that. Wet spots are incredibly common, and can be made by any partner. They can consist of vaginal fluid, semen, sweat, urine, spit, or any other number of substances. Though I find that shaming someone over it is harmful, I do understand not wanting a clammy ass while cuddling after sex. So that is the other benefit to a sex sheet. After sex, just pile whatever needs to be washed onto the sheet and bundle it up. Once it’s moved, you leave that space open for aftercare cuddles, or whichever activities more comfortably!

Scene Two: Food. It’s been a long day for mistress. She comes home with sagging posture and bleary eyes. It’s not fair of you to ask her for the usual care you enjoy. Instead, you decide to do something nice for her. You have made up the fruit salad, and the sushi yourself. It’s the benefit to being a stay-at-home husband. Your shared boyfriend is going out with someone new tonight, so mistress is your only concern today. You even asked him to help “set the table,” just before she got home.

It’s carefully planned so that she comes in as he is leaving. You lie there, waiting for them to kiss goodbye, and her to walk in. This isn’t a surprise party. The lights are still on, and the sheet is over the table. You lie there, a little turned on, knowing that this is exactly what she would want to walk into. You can feel a piece of ginger settle on your shoulder blade. The soy sauce is right next to your hip, waiting to be poured into that hollow on your back.

You hear her ask where you are. A brief answer from the doorway and then your boyfriend is gone to his date. She walks into the dining room and beholds the feast you have created. You can see her smile and a sigh of relief. She doesn’t have to make dinner today, even though it was her turn. You try not to wiggle as she pulls up a chair. She pours the soy sauce on your back. It’s cold. Because she’s tired, you can feel her over-pour and it slips down your side to the table. It’s okay, the sheet protects everything.

You were such a good boy today.

There is no secret. I love food play. As someone who loves to play with food and be played with as food, my most treasured possession is my waterproof sheet. It protects my bed, my table and any other surface I want to play on. I can let someone eat whatever they want off me, whether it’s sushi or salsa or fruit or spaghetti. I know that my surroundings are protected. Additionally, as long as the sheet is recently washed, I can be sure that no food will go to waste, even if it falls off the “platter” and onto the table. 

Scene Three: Picnics. You’re out with a lover in a park. Though there isn’t a basket, there is a bag at their side. It has a few sandwiches, some drinks, and one small can of bug spray. The park is empty because it’s not the busy season. You’ve made all the right turns to make sure you’re in an isolated place. No one will interrupt your lunch. Consent to voyeurism is key.

You sit down on a nearby rock, and pull out the drinks and the sandwiches. They are light eating, so it won’t make either of you feel gross, and it won’t weigh you down. Most importantly, you both will feel invigorated for the secret sex you planned. Your picnic spot is a little ways off the path, in a place where you can hear people approach, but you won’t be seen without some creative maneuvering around a few large rocks.

You had a specific vision of riding them in the woods. The ground would be perfectly soft. The moss would be a perfect pillow for them as they watched you ride them. You would resist a little at first, but the orgasm would come quickly, knowing there was even a remote possibility you could be caught at any moment. You flirt a little, but you’re already eager, so it doesn’t take long before the pack and play they are wearing is out. You spend a little time giving them a blow job, just to ease into the sexy actions. But a few minutes later, you’re lifting your skirt and taking off your underwear. They lay down, but the ground is too wet for them to get comfortable. It’s cold, and there’s a big patch of mud in the only flat area.

You bend over a rock instead, and the sex feels amazing. But as you walk away, you sigh. “I really wanted to ride you in the woods.”

This is another situation that a tough, waterproof sheet would have saved the day. Something that would prevent mud from staining clothes, and keep off the grime. Outdoor sex is amazing, but in order to keep clean (and in some cases safe), it would help to have something between you and nature. I have never had grass-crack and let me tell you, it is a blessing beyond words. After your outdoor session is complete, you wrap everything in the sheet and pack it away in a bag. It can be easily washed and there’s no dirt stains anywhere unsavory. Bonus hint: fold it in half before laying it down and when cleaning up, you can unfold it, and fold it in the other direction to keep the messy bits on the inside and not dirty anything else in your bag!

Scene Four: Fistfuls of Fun. He’s been whispering things in me ear all evening. It was a struggle to finish up work in my orifice. I mean office. I hear him suck in air as I come out in my best queer outfit. My black shorts left my thighs almost bare, and my ass peeked carefully from them, rimmed with my lace panties. My calves were bare except for the socks and boots.  I’m not even wearing a shirt. Just a simple black bra underneath my jean jacket. My hair is sloppily put into a bun and my black eyeliner completes the look. The whole ensemble screams “Kiss my punk ass.”

He smiles and pulls me closer. He teases “You look badass, love. It’s a good thing I’m not going for your ass today.” I giggle, internally melting as his hands roam under the jacket.

When we arrive at the dungeon, he pulls out the necessary items. Gloves, lube, a small bullet vibe. He pulls me into a kiss and guides me into the seat in one smooth motion. There’s already a pad down to catch what will inevitably drip from my holes. He nudges me forward a little and lets me lay down. My feet find the stirrups and I hear the vibrator turn on. I’m already wet, but he applies lube to his hand and my labia. It will make things so much easier for both of us.

“Good job, kid. I see you’re already wet for me.”

After attracting a crowd to watch his fist disappear into my cunt, I orgasm hard, ignoring the small murmurs and smiles around me. I moan through the feelings. Afterwards, he guides me down from the climax with soft words and gentle strokes. I lift myself slowly off the medical table. I look back and it is absolutely covered in sweat from my back, and vaginal juice from my cunt. The pad hadn’t covered enough. We now have to clean the whole table as well as me before we can cuddle in the aftercare space.

When banging in public, such as a play party, or dungeon, it’s important to clean up after yourself. It prevents the spread of infections, and just maintains basic cleanliness of spaces. With something like a waterproof sheet, not only do you know that you’re protected from other’s messes, but you know that you’re also protecting others from your mess. As always, it can also expedite the clean-up process. This is especially handy for situations where your play involves some type of sub or dom space. If it does, then you don’t have to delay aftercare. It helps you take care of your partner faster!

Essentially, I find that having a waterproof sheet has been a game-changer for me. It has made scenes possible that I hadn’t even thought about. I know it can be hard to justify the cost of a waterproof sheet. However, with all these ideas, it becomes a little easier. And this is just what comes from my brain. I’m sure that and other readers can come up with other scenarios to use these! I’d love to hear about them!

This post was written in collaboration with my good friends at Sheets of San Francisco. They have a really wonderful set of products, and I would highly recommend checking them out!