5 out of 10 overall.
6 out of 10 for Penguin.
5 out of 10 for the Deluxe.
Pairs well with any craft beer. A bunch of people will tell you that they are really good and totally drinkable, but they probably aren’t.
Shortly before my post for the Satisfyer Pro 2 went live, I was approached by Satisfyer directly about reviewing the whole line of products they offer. I knew I wasn’t a fan of the Pro 2, but I did want to give them a fair shake. There were different shapes and sometimes, that can help, so I had them send over the Penguin and Deluxe.
I’ll just say it quickly and bluntly. I am about as underwhelmed with these two as I was with the Pro 2. When I opened the packaging, which was the same as the Pro 2, I was worried that this may be the case. But I turned them on to see. Alas, my favorite raptor noise wasn’t present. So they don’t even have that to redeem them. Just boring, quiet vibrator noises. After some recent toys, quiet is a plus, so I suppose they have that.
Let’s start with the Penguin, which has a slightly higher rating. I will admit this, but only because I plan on apologizing too: I love cute things. Animal shapes will make me happy 9 times out of 10. I’m so sorry because I feel like the person reviewers hate. I think that having a cute design is by no means necessary, and you should absolutely be able to back up something cute with aspects that are good. If you have a dolphin shape, please make it powerful and good. If you have a pretty glass dildo, make it also a great g-spot toy!
Alas, the penguin does not live up to it’s adorable bow-tie. I placed it on my clit, and was met with that familiar boring feeling. And when I turned it up, it was that familiar awful pain. It surrounded my clit on all sides, so I tried moving it around my labia (both the minor and the majora). The best place for the penguins is right between my clit and my vag, which I suspect is for me is an area that is a little longer than the average person. But I also suspect that’s where the legs of my clitoris actually fall. When I put the penguin or the pro 2 here, I can reach orgasm, but it does take a long time because I literally cannot move them for fear of bumping my clit and feeling pain. Total boner-killer.
Little penguin, you’re well-dressed, but you’re not here for my party. And that’s why you won’t bump us up to a 7.
Let’s move on to the Deluxe.
This was actually the first Satisfyer that I had okay feelings about when I used it. I looked at the shape and I looked at my labia (well, okay, I thought about my labia). I decided that it would probably be buried in there, and I’d have to use something to dig it out. (I had a shoe-horn on hand because I’m a grandpa.) So I turned it on and shoved it in there. I couldn’t keep my grip because
oval/egg-shaped toys are a garbage idea my labia were in the way. So I used two finger on the very top and sort of wiggled it until it adhered to…some part of my anatomy?
Well, I let it sit there for a few minutes, and I’m fairly certain I came from that ONLY because the vibrations could be felt in my labia. This is why it took so long as well. I needed the labia stimulation to even get aroused. (I had watched porn to try and forget that the Deluxe is egg-shaped, but then I had to touch it, was reminded of it’s shape and immediately lost my boner. Satisfyer, why you do this?)
Unfortunately, I’m not sure what else to say about these toys. For all the claims that Satisfyer makes, I’m just remarkably underwhelmed by these toys. Since they all kind of…feel the same, I don’t know if I can in good conscious stretch this review any longer.