Indigo Tries the Funkit Pride Beat Cleaver 12″

10 out of 10

Would recommend for most people who enjoy being hit with things.

Pairs well with a neat bourbon. Specifically Wild Turkey.

CONSENT AND TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POST DISCUSSES CONSENSUAL HARM AND PUNISHMENT. THERE ARE ALSO PICTURES OF A (REALLY GREAT) BUTT WITH BRUISES ON IT FURTHER DOWN THIS POST. 

So I kind of love rainbows. I wouldn’t call it a problem so much as a solution. I fucking love rainbows. So when I ran across Kenton’s work at Funkit Toys, I had to have something rainbow. SOMETHING. And since I had been using wooden spoons from Wegmans as paddles, I decided that I needed something wood. Something big. Something rainbow.

And so I whipped it out (my credit card) and I bought the Beat Cleaver 12″. It is big. It is wood. It is rainbow. And my god, does it pack a punch.

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It costs $32 dollars from the shop, and it shipped to me in about two days. When I opened up the package, I definitely danced a little, and it didn’t come in any special box, so I went straight from opening to whacking my legs experimentally with it. Ah, that is the pleasure of small toy companies. No stupid blister packs to cut open.

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I won’t mince words: This paddle is tough. the handle is a foot long. The hitty-part (scientific term) is another foot. For those keeping score at home, that’s 2 feet of momentum here. If you hold that handle at the very end, oh my god, there is going to be a lot of force really quickly. To mitigate that, choke up on the handle, using the section right near that hitty-part and that makes it mush more controlled.

Honestly though, that’s not the REAL reason I’m in love with this paddle. The real reason is flexibility. I seem to have an attraction to things that are two-in-one. If you hit with the flat part of this paddle, it’s likely that you’ll get stung before any real bruising can happen. It is so satisfying for me, and I love working up to getting all that stinging into my legs and butt. Also, even though I don’t really bruise, it did leave this wonderfully dark place on my butt.

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It’s hard to get a good butt photo. I haven’t bought a selfie stick yet. #slacking

However, if you used the edge of this paddle, it’s so different. Using it this way is very thuddy. Since I don’t really bruise (thanks genetics), I can’t see the effects, but I feel every hit from this side the next day. I live for the mornings where I wake up with sub-dermal bruising all over my back and thighs. These are perfect opportunities for my boyfriend to touch me and I get shivers all over from it.

I have had this paddle for about three months now and I have used it steadily. Typically, it gets used about once a week, sometimes more. Mine has shown zero wear and tear. It’s still vibrantly colored with the varnishing still intact. As far as I can tell, this paddle will be inherited by my family after I die. It will raise plenty of questions and offer few answers, I’m sure.

All in all, the versatility and longevity of this paddle make it a really great buy. I just spent some money on some silicone toys from Kenton, and I can’t wait to give them a shot!

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Here’s a bone-us photo of my butt in case you forgot how great it is. Also, bonus funderwear. EVERYONE GETS A BONUS.

 

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