Indigo Gives Valentine’s Advice

10 out of 1o

(Clearly an unbiased review of my own advice. See disclaimer at the end of the post.)

This advice pairs well with alcohol. Lots of it, any kind.

Well, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! I always love to watch people scramble for last-minute reservations and ideas. But I also feel bad for people who say to each other “We don’t care! It’s just a stupid day!” And then at the last minute, they realize they will look like a jerk if they don’t get something and you’re stuck with $5 chocolates and a reservation at McDonald’s. So here is my advice to make Valentine’s Day really special for that someone in your life who makes you all hot in the loins. (Also, get that checked maybe.)

(If you aren’t a person who likes Valentine’s day, that’s cool! This advice could be used to just make a nice Tuesday.)

1. Put on a fresh pair of pants. Now, this seems like it should be a no-brainer. But I know my audience. You walk in the door, and take off your pants to air out immediately so you can wear them several days in a row, and when they smell in the crotch a little, you just put some Febreeze on it. It’s smart. It saves time AND money. But. You can’t do that if you want some delicious sexy time with your Valentine. Go and put on a fresh pair. At MOST, one day old. I know it seems like splurging because you don’t have a meeting in the morning and no one’s died, but sex will ensue; trust me.

2. Surprise them with a haircut. This one goes two ways. Imagine Valentine’s morning. Your love wakes up and reaches over for a morning kiss and suddenly your hair has gone from that classic hero hair into a buzz. Your lover is surprised, but loves the masculine way it suits you. Morning sex ensues.

2a. Surprise THEM with a haircut. Imagine Valentine’s morning. Your love wakes up and reaches over for a morning kiss and suddenly finds their hair has gone from classic hero hair to a buzz cut. They are surprised and shocked that you did this to them, but they love the masculine way it suits them. Morning sex ensues.

3. Set the bar low then surprise them with mediocrity. When you’re planning for Valentine’s day with your love, suggest things like “a romantic single rose,” and “a table for two at McDonald’s.” If you mention at least three times that you can’t afford champagne or a babysitter, they will begin to expect another night in where you watch Space Balls and try to get in the mood for obligatory sex. However, what you’ve been doing all along is planning to take them to the Mexican restaurant down the street. You have carnations and boxed wine in the car. They’re surprised and delighted that you planned so many romantic things, and the Mariachi band even played My Heart Will Go On. Sex ensues upon return home. Stud. Muffin.

4. Surprise your lover with a trip, and alone time. This one must be done carefully. If you mess it up, your lover may feel spurned instead of treated. I suggest you don’t tell them anything. Just go to the airport with a bag, and buy a ticket for wherever. Be sure you pack lingerie, lots of fun items and booze. However, before you leave, be sure to put some money on the table for a manicure or a nice dinner. With this precise execution, you get to have fun in Rio, and your lover will be happy to have a manicure and not see you! Sex ensues for you on vacation AND when you get home.

5. Surprise your lover with spontaneity! If you want to execute this one, start now. Make plans for a really nice dinner at a really fancy restaurant. Go. Break up with them. The day after Valentine’s Day, say you miss them and want them back. Use a boom box, or public announcement, or a poem to show them you REALLY mean it. They will love your new spontaneous personality. Make-up sex ensues.

6. Surprise your lover. This one is by far the best advice I can give. Using Pavlov’s rules, you can easily make your partner’s heart flutter any time they see you. All you have to do is hide around the corner and shock them as many times as possible. Soon, they’ll be conditioned to react to you whenever they see you. Instant love. Sex ensues.

Well, that’s all the advice I have this week/time/year. Be safe you crazy lovebirds!

Disclaimer: I do not condone cheating, nonconsensual haircuts, or emotional abuse of any kind. This post is satire on a holiday that is very often taken too seriously. Please enjoy a nice day with a lover and/or pal and participate in fun things.

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