This post is intended as satire. Please accept it in the mischievous nature it’s intended. If you found it harmful in some way, please email me at [email protected] to talk about it
9 out of 10
Pairs well with Bailey’s. What can I say, Irish cream and Coffee just go together.
Millennials are at it again, folx. What are they after this time? Our bathroom freedoms. What is nicer than sitting down for a poop that you know is going to take at least 15 minutes? So you pull out your bathroom reader, or a nice crossword and you start the process knowing you have 15 beautiful minutes of silence and peace while your grenades land in the porcelain princess. If it’s a particularly nasty one, you can even take an extra five minutes just for wiping.
Well, millennials are out there looking to ruin this 20 minute peace for all of us. It began with one cuppa’ on November 15th for our friend Nel Yema, or “N” as she likes to be called. It had been a rough night as she spent her sleep time working on some school work due the next morning. As a result, one cup was not enough to wake her up.
“I must have had three cups before leaving my apartment. It’s typical for me to have one there and that’s it, but it just wasn’t enough that day,” she recalls.
As she drove to work, it was clear that three would get her through an hour or two, but there was sure to be more coffee needed later. So around 11AM, just one hour after getting to her job at a local restaurant, she poured another cup, loading it with cream and sugar to get her through the lunch rush.
“I can’t really remember lunch that day. It was really busy, but I do remember asking for one refill in the middle of the rush. I had already had a lot, but I just needed more caffeine.”
For those of you counting at home, that’s 5 cups of coffee over about four hours. It is important to note that these cups were 16 ounces each. This adds up to 80 ounces of coffee before she got off work. After the lunch rush, N headed back home and felt the deep need to void her bowels. That’s when the coffee effect was truly appreciated.
“It was just so quick. I opened up twitter to talk about my crazy night of studying, but before I got to even the first word, I was done. I didn’t know what to do. I was so panicked, that I tried to wipe too quick and dropped my iPhone in the toilet! It was a disaster!”
The effect is familiar to most coffee drinkers: Coffee has a mild laxative nature to it, and it’s common for many people to have a regular schedule because they have coffee every morning. What people don’t know is that too much coffee can lead to the smoothest and fastest deification possible when consumed in excess. This has often been warned against by people who drink coffee. What they didn’t realize is how beneficial it can be.
N started a movement (pun intended) when she went to the bathroom that day. What she didn’t realize was how quickly it would spread across the internet, taking Twitter and Tumblr by storm. The practice is now known as coffee-boarding, in reference to the waterboarding torture technique. (The name itself shows that millennials have no respect for veterans.) The practice includes having at least 40 ounces of coffee in no more than two hours. As a result, the bowels will move smoothly and quickly, reducing bathroom time to mere seconds before bustling onto the next bit of millennial whining they must get to.
Coffee-boarding is being swept up by college students primarily right now, but there have been some trends of young professionals downing the drink by gallons. Luce Stool is a 20-year-old college student who now coffee-boards three days awake so he can be awake for his morning classes and make it to afternoon classes with time to void his bowels. He says that coffee-boarding makes it possible for him to take 16 credits and have a weekend job without dropping any productivity.
“It’s like, saving my GPA right now. I’m so wired in the morning, I just jump out of bed. The only downside is that I have to go to Starbucks, and the coffee is so expensive. I don’t get a frequent customer discount for another three weeks.”
But is coffee-boarding healthy for you? Experts say “Why is this even a question? Of course it’s not.” But there is outrage at these comments from professionals everywhere who say they’ve coffee-boarding for months and experienced no side effects. Some even boast of losing weight due to this new habit.
And health effects aside, the printed book market is already suffering. The next industry appears to be bathroom readers, which have been in decline since the invention of toilet-texting in the early 2000s.
John Loo is an expert on bathroom readers. “They’re just gone. There ain’t no good ones anymore. I can’t even pull them up on my kindle now. I suppose I’ll just have to do the crossword instead. Even that’s getting harder since those damn millennials killed the newspapers.”
Even toilet-texting is in trouble from this new trend. Recent studies have shown a decline in people using their phones in the bathroom because there just isn’t time to text between sitting down and wiping. There’s a chance that already limited communication techniques used by today’s young people will fade away. After that, we may be reduced to having conversations on our couches or at our desks, which have been on the rise since coffee-boarding became popular.
Is this new trend here to stay, or is it just a fad? Only time will tell.
