Indigo Tries the Funkit Swell

9 out of 10.
And I was heckin’ surprised about it.
A slightly opaque dildo with orange swirls is attached to the wall with a suction base. There are blinds in the background.
Pairs well with a Micky (what I call a Peach Schnapps with cranberry, after a friend). It’s fruity and a little sneaky, but really easy to handle.
Buy the Swell here! With customization!
So Kenton was having a sale one day, and I love this paddle I got from Funkit, so I said to myself “Let me try some roulette and get some mystery items.” Since it was a sale of slightly messed up toys, I put in some color preferences and a few days later, there were toys at my house! I received this in my request for orange toys and as I unwrapped it, I was a little sad.
This toy is so small. According to the website, it has about 5 3/8″ insertable length and it’s only about 1 3/8″ in diameter. The silicone is fairly firm, but still moves some when squeezed (I don’t know silicone numbers or what they mean). If I’m honest, I actually put off using this toy because I was convinced that it wouldn’t be exciting for me. I assumed that it would end up in the back of the dildo hutch and just…collect dust. And then…
A slightly opaque dildo with orange swirls sits on a teal sheet. There is a large ridge on the bottom of the dildo, and a small head to the dildo..
One day, when I was really behind on cleaning dildos, I ran out of things to try and I grabbed the Swell out of desperation. I put it in me, and I went to town as I normally do, expecting mediocre at best. I was very surprised when I came, and actually squirted using this dildo. I pulled it out. I touched it. I examined it closely. I examined the bed where a puddle was soaking into my towel and below (before I owned my Sheets of SF). It was real. This tiny, no-warm-up dildo actually made me squirt with almost no effort.
So what is happening with the Swell? When I met Kenton at Woodhull this year, he told me that the swell was an experiment just to see what the pouring process was. He didn’t expect much of it, like me. But the Swell comes with this wonderful…swell on the underside of the shaft that makes all the difference in this cock. That bit of extra pushes the head directly into my g-spot. It’s possible that I got really lucky, but this dildo fits me perfectly without warm-up.
As we all know, I am a geek for clever designs and I have a confession. I’m a huge fanboi for Kenton because of the base of his toys. They are effective suction cups, but the edges fold in such a way that it makes it easy for my hands to hold, and I even have some joint issues! The orientation of the folds is perfect every time, and I will never stop praising this design genius. I also got a butt toy (which I will be reviewing as well). Even though I own quite a few crescent plugs, Kenton’s base is without a doubt the most comfortable that’s ever gone between my cheeks. Seriously, even better than the Njoy Pure Plugs. The man is a genius. (OH MY GOD INDIGO, STOP. YOU’RE MAKING PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE.)
A hand holds a dildo so the base is clearly visible. There are two folds for easy grip on the base and it's stamped with the words "funkit."
Look, all geeking out aside, I imagine for those new to toys, this dildo would be a good fit. It’s a very manageable size, and it’s an easy to clean material. It can softly touch the g-spot and allow for some exploration of that, but it doesn’t have to (just flip it over)! The handle is very comfortable to hold and use, and it’s also a suction cup, so you can use it like any other dildo you might want to stick to a wall. Pro tip: And if you’re a pro, I would guess this is a great dildo for double penetration exploring. (Puns always intended.)
Essentially, I wasn’t sold on this funky toy (pun intended), but when I tried it, I thought it was real swell (pun intended). The only thing that sucked was the suction base (omg stop). After I squirted, I was like “Orange you glad you tried it?” (INDI-GO HOME.) I’m regularly folding this into my masturbation (F**K OFF INDIGO).
Okay, I’m done now. #sorrynotsorry

Indigo Tries the Funkit Pride Beat Cleaver 12"

10 out of 10
Would recommend for most people who enjoy being hit with things.
Pairs well with a neat bourbon. Specifically Wild Turkey.
So I kind of love rainbows. I wouldn’t call it a problem so much as a solution. I fucking love rainbows. So when I ran across Kenton’s work at Funkit Toys, I had to have something rainbow. SOMETHING. And since I had been using wooden spoons from Wegmans as paddles, I decided that I needed something wood. Something big. Something rainbow.
And so I whipped it out (my credit card) and I bought the Beat Cleaver 12″. It is big. It is wood. It is rainbow. And my god, does it pack a punch.
It costs $32 dollars from the shop, and it shipped to me in about two days. When I opened up the package, I definitely danced a little, and it didn’t come in any special box, so I went straight from opening to whacking my legs experimentally with it. Ah, that is the pleasure of small toy companies. No stupid blister packs to cut open.
I won’t mince words: This paddle is tough. the handle is a foot long. The hitty-part (scientific term) is another foot. For those keeping score at home, that’s 2 feet of momentum here. If you hold that handle at the very end, oh my god, there is going to be a lot of force really quickly. To mitigate that, choke up on the handle, using the section right near that hitty-part and that makes it mush more controlled.
Honestly though, that’s not the REAL reason I’m in love with this paddle. The real reason is flexibility. I seem to have an attraction to things that are two-in-one. If you hit with the flat part of this paddle, it’s likely that you’ll get stung before any real bruising can happen. It is so satisfying for me, and I love working up to getting all that stinging into my legs and butt. Also, even though I don’t really bruise, it did leave this wonderfully dark place on my butt.

It’s hard to get a good butt photo. I haven’t bought a selfie stick yet. #slacking

However, if you used the edge of this paddle, it’s so different. Using it this way is very thuddy. Since I don’t really bruise (thanks genetics), I can’t see the effects, but I feel every hit from this side the next day. I live for the mornings where I wake up with sub-dermal bruising all over my back and thighs. These are perfect opportunities for my boyfriend to touch me and I get shivers all over from it.
I have had this paddle for about three months now and I have used it steadily. Typically, it gets used about once a week, sometimes more. Mine has shown zero wear and tear. It’s still vibrantly colored with the varnishing still intact. As far as I can tell, this paddle will be inherited by my family after I die. It will raise plenty of questions and offer few answers, I’m sure.
All in all, the versatility and longevity of this paddle make it a really great buy. I just spent some money on some silicone toys from Kenton, and I can’t wait to give them a shot!
Here’s a bone-us photo of my butt in case you forgot how great it is. Also, bonus funderwear. EVERYONE GETS A BONUS.