10 out of 10
When I was growing up, I learned about the past of my family. We can trace lines into Wales, Ireland and Italy, all from different grandparents. I believe that the Italian lines are what show the most in our family. I grew up with this focus on La Familia that follows me to this day. The Irish in me is most apparent though. My eyes are hazel, with green and brown. I have light brown hair that turns yellow with enough sunlight. But my skin really shows it off. I am very pale, usually the lightest color on every foundation palette (and believe me, I’ve tried a few). I also sprout freckles like trees sprout flowers in the spring. The contrast between me and my family is pretty clear. I am tall and bring in the Welsh and Irish roots of my grandmother. The rest of my siblings and cousins are short, with dark hair, blue eyes and they actually manage to tan once in awhile. Tanning is something I’ve dreamed about but never done. It’s probably not physically possible.
So when I started learning about different cultures, I heard the usual jokes. “You’re Irish, so you’re always drunk.” “You’re Italian, so you’re part of the mob.” “You’re Welsh so you…um, what do the Welsh do?” It was the Irish jokes that rang the most true for me. I was raised as part of a family that allowed drinking at younger ages. I have stories of young Indigo getting drunk on accident, and I have the best stories of young Indigo getting drunk on purpose.
Bailey’s Irish Cream is a particular brand of alcohol represents a lot to me. It’s a delicious drink that hides in coffee. It makes something that I enjoy even better. But it’s also covert. It’s sneaky. If I’m not careful, it will take over the whole drink. Instead of enjoying a coffee with a kick, I’ll be making coffee that is mostly Bailey’s. It’s okay to do that occasionally, but I don’t want to do it all the time.
My mother is a huge fan of Irish Coffee. We don’t often eat out as a family. It’s even less often that the restaurant has Irish Coffee as an option. But when the stars align and we decide to have a post-dinner drink, my mother will always order an Irish Coffee. This drink is also common in my sister’s house, where I enjoy weekly visits rights now. Though there isn’t a lot of hard liquor there, she always has Bailey’s on hand. Because of these, I really associate Bailey’s Irish cream with the reliability of family. Sometimes that means it’s more like a pest, when you only have Bailey’s but you really wanted some Godiva liquor.
Now, Irish coffee also includes Jameson. And we know that our friend Jamie leads me to my bestworst best decisions. And I think that only makes Irish Coffee even more appropriate for family. Family is such a rocky subject for me, and having something as untrustworthy as Jameson being paired so beautifully with Bailey’s is a perfect metaphor for my interactions with my family. And this is why I don’t drink Irish Coffee by myself. When I look into the glass, and I watch the cream swirl, I can’t help but remember the struggles and the bad times. But when I drink with the people who can pull me out of my cup and into the fun world, an Irish Coffee can ground me in my roots.
I’m not an alcoholic, but I am Irish in a lot of ways. The roots are subtle, and they’ve been overshadowed by a big Italian tree. But they still run through my blood and into my life. I wouldn’t give them up any more than I would remove Jameson from a good Irish Coffee.
Indigo’s Best Recipe for an Irish Coffee
1 shot of Jameson Whiskey (no other brand will do)
Coffee, already brewed, and preferably still hot (cold brew is not great for this)
Bailey’s (to taste)
Brew the coffee and grab a mug. Pour the coffee into your mug leaving a lot of room for cream and sugar. Sugar the coffee almost to taste (you want it slightly less sweet to accent the other flavors). Do the shot of Jameson. Pour another. Put THAT shot in the coffee. Why? Because something can kick in while the coffee cools enough to drink. Lastly, add the Bailey’s until it reaches the desired color. You can top with whipped cream too, if you’re like me. Otherwise, enjoy as it is!
Additional Idea! For an Iced Irish Coffee, make some coffee the day before and pour into an ice cube tray. Use those ice cubes to cool off your coffee!
Additional Additional Idea! You can also just sip Bailey’s with some coffee ice cubes. Bailey’s on the rocks is a delicious and refreshing dessert drink!
This post is intended as satire. Please accept it in the mischievous nature it’s intended. If you found it harmful in some way, please email me at [email protected] to talk about it
9 out of 10
Pairs well with Bailey’s. What can I say, Irish cream and Coffee just go together.
Millennials are at it again, folx. What are they after this time? Our bathroom freedoms. What is nicer than sitting down for a poop that you know is going to take at least 15 minutes? So you pull out your bathroom reader, or a nice crossword and you start the process knowing you have 15 beautiful minutes of silence and peace while your grenades land in the porcelain princess. If it’s a particularly nasty one, you can even take an extra five minutes just for wiping.
Well, millennials are out there looking to ruin this 20 minute peace for all of us. It began with one cuppa’ on November 15th for our friend Nel Yema, or “N” as she likes to be called. It had been a rough night as she spent her sleep time working on some school work due the next morning. As a result, one cup was not enough to wake her up.
“I must have had three cups before leaving my apartment. It’s typical for me to have one there and that’s it, but it just wasn’t enough that day,” she recalls.
As she drove to work, it was clear that three would get her through an hour or two, but there was sure to be more coffee needed later. So around 11AM, just one hour after getting to her job at a local restaurant, she poured another cup, loading it with cream and sugar to get her through the lunch rush.
“I can’t really remember lunch that day. It was really busy, but I do remember asking for one refill in the middle of the rush. I had already had a lot, but I just needed more caffeine.”
For those of you counting at home, that’s 5 cups of coffee over about four hours. It is important to note that these cups were 16 ounces each. This adds up to 80 ounces of coffee before she got off work. After the lunch rush, N headed back home and felt the deep need to void her bowels. That’s when the coffee effect was truly appreciated.
“It was just so quick. I opened up twitter to talk about my crazy night of studying, but before I got to even the first word, I was done. I didn’t know what to do. I was so panicked, that I tried to wipe too quick and dropped my iPhone in the toilet! It was a disaster!”
The effect is familiar to most coffee drinkers: Coffee has a mild laxative nature to it, and it’s common for many people to have a regular schedule because they have coffee every morning. What people don’t know is that too much coffee can lead to the smoothest and fastest deification possible when consumed in excess. This has often been warned against by people who drink coffee. What they didn’t realize is how beneficial it can be.
N started a movement (pun intended) when she went to the bathroom that day. What she didn’t realize was how quickly it would spread across the internet, taking Twitter and Tumblr by storm. The practice is now known as coffee-boarding, in reference to the waterboarding torture technique. (The name itself shows that millennials have no respect for veterans.) The practice includes having at least 40 ounces of coffee in no more than two hours. As a result, the bowels will move smoothly and quickly, reducing bathroom time to mere seconds before bustling onto the next bit of millennial whining they must get to.
Coffee-boarding is being swept up by college students primarily right now, but there have been some trends of young professionals downing the drink by gallons. Luce Stool is a 20-year-old college student who now coffee-boards three days awake so he can be awake for his morning classes and make it to afternoon classes with time to void his bowels. He says that coffee-boarding makes it possible for him to take 16 credits and have a weekend job without dropping any productivity.
“It’s like, saving my GPA right now. I’m so wired in the morning, I just jump out of bed. The only downside is that I have to go to Starbucks, and the coffee is so expensive. I don’t get a frequent customer discount for another three weeks.”
But is coffee-boarding healthy for you? Experts say “Why is this even a question? Of course it’s not.” But there is outrage at these comments from professionals everywhere who say they’ve coffee-boarding for months and experienced no side effects. Some even boast of losing weight due to this new habit.
And health effects aside, the printed book market is already suffering. The next industry appears to be bathroom readers, which have been in decline since the invention of toilet-texting in the early 2000s.
John Loo is an expert on bathroom readers. “They’re just gone. There ain’t no good ones anymore. I can’t even pull them up on my kindle now. I suppose I’ll just have to do the crossword instead. Even that’s getting harder since those damn millennials killed the newspapers.”
Even toilet-texting is in trouble from this new trend. Recent studies have shown a decline in people using their phones in the bathroom because there just isn’t time to text between sitting down and wiping. There’s a chance that already limited communication techniques used by today’s young people will fade away. After that, we may be reduced to having conversations on our couches or at our desks, which have been on the rise since coffee-boarding became popular.
Is this new trend here to stay, or is it just a fad? Only time will tell.