10 out of 10
Pairs nicely with a nice Mead. It’s sweet and it is amazing to look at. It also comes with a very specific type of feeling. Period.
My dearest readers. Never has there been a toy that is so suited to my aesthetic so perfectly. This toy (or set of toys) is in the shape of a dildo sword. You heard me right, it is in fact a sword that is a dildo. It’s perfect for Dungeons and Dragons hi-jinks. It’s made for murder in the Shakespearean sense. It is a hilarious gag to share with my renaissance friends.
As soon as the release for the Realm series was announced, I jumped on the opportunity. I tweeted loudly about it, and it paid off. (Perhaps the pen isn’t mightier than the sword, but it is at least as mighty.) About a month before finals, I was sent this toy as a special offer from the amazing folks at Shevibe. I was so excited for this toy that I brought it out the next time my partner was over. I showed it off with a lot of enthusiasm. We laughed about it, and made strong plans to use it in the very near future.
Then, the semester took a left turn. My life became hectic. My relationship became strained. I would look at these toys, and I would sigh, wishing I had the energy to test them. I would feel guilty about the testing going so slowly. I would glance over the nooks an crannies, and then move to the next toy. It would be a hassle to clean. It wouldn’t be worth getting out the two items (dildo and handle).
So this beautiful, amazing sword sat in the corner of my room, glaring at me, making me feel guilty. I kept telling myself to test it before I went on the road. I knew it would be even more work when I was living in my car, or in a tent. Alas, even my own guilt trip did nothing to move along the testing, and suddenly, it was time to leave. I gathered the handle and attachable dildos to bring along. I was fairly convinced I would have a hard time using them.
Reader, I am glad to say I was wrong. Within 72 hours of leaving home, I was in the middle of a threesome. I didn’t bring so many dildos to choose from, and this one featured a handle, so I decided that someone else would get to have the inaugural use of this toy. Thanks to that decision, it really became clear to me why this toy is incredibly useful, as well as visually striking. I began to use this on one of the folks involved. The second-person use, and the giant handle meant that there was plenty of thrusting leverage on another person. Not only was thrusting easier in general, but it provided several angles for my arm to sit at so I could have approached this from a few angles.
It was about the 10 minute mark that I realized my arm was going a little numb. The repetitive motion of fucking someone for a solid 10 minutes caught up with me. I switched hands for awhile. It was a little harder to get the right angles with my non-dominant left hand. But it has more strength, so I could keep the motion going for a longer time. I have rarely had so much fun fucking someone, I have to be honest. After pulling the sword from the hoe (instead of the stone, get it?), I was delighted to have a new favorite sex party toy.
The handle for this dildo sword is made out of a plastic that fits the look of a sword hilt perfectly. The dildos are separate pieces made from silicone. There are three options for realistic dildos (7 inches, 7.5 inches and 8 inches), if that is what you want. However, there is also one option for a dragon-style (read: non-realistic) dildo, called the Draken. I of course opted for the dragon one immediately (and then chose between the realistic ones based on size). I found that the Draken matched the aesthetic of the hilt in a way the realistic dildos did not. Don’t get me wrong. The realistic options fit well on the hilt, and provide something really great. But for me, there is something jarring about a dick just…attached to a golden hilt. Besides, I find the Draken to be incredibly fun both as a concept and as a toy. It’s my usual choice of dildo to use with the handle, but I like having the realistic one to choose when I need something visually stimulating to fuck with.
These dildo options (or dildoptions, if you will) attach to the sword through some patented vac-u-lock magic. In fact, the attachments are so strong, they recommend using lube or corn starch in the attachment to ensure they come apart. Reader, please listen to this recommendation. I did not make the mistake of ignoring this. However, I have used this connection with lube, I still have to pull a good bit before detaching the dildo from the hilt. I can’t imagine what it would be like without the lube.
Since my first use of this toy was with someone else, I have to admit there was something lost when I used it on myself. There just isn’t that same power, that angle, that view when you’re using this toy on yourself. Since I’m fat and my torso isn’t as flexible as my hips, it was hard to see the sword in all it’s glory during masturbation. Basically, it loses some of it’s effect in the translation to masturbation.
However, what visual effect is lost gets made up for by the amazing feel of Draken. We all know I’m love a good texture. However, something like the textured silicone, which is paired with a significant amount of texture in the mold itself? What a beautiful combination. I used this toy for no more than four minutes before having an amazing orgasm. On top of that, I was so turned on by the texture, I immediately turned around and used it again. I have a feeling that I probably could have kept that up for a long time. However, the rain was letting up, which meant the sound cover in my tent was no longer available, so I stopped. Instead, I used the realistic dildo for a bit. It was good, but felt a little plain for me. I don’t really know what else to write about the realistic one I have (which is the 7.5″ version), so I’ll probably just leave it there.
So the question I wanted to answer the most about this toy is “Does the handle help the angle for masturbation?” Also phrased as “Would this toy be a good option for someone with say, arthritis?” I do have some wrist issues (which by and large get ignored because I live on my computer and often use sex toys, so whatever). However, I couldn’t say with 100% certainty either way on this question. In some ways, having the extra length was helpful for me. I had a bit more to grab on to. However, since that length is straight out (not curved up), I wouldn’t say the handle saves my wrists from strain entirely. Instead, I hold the hilt and that extra bit gives me some minor amount of leverage which makes it easier to thrust. So I suppose the answer is yes, but not in the way you think.
The last note that I have to make is a bit of a downside. Wow, there are a lot of nooks and crannies in this toy. Be prepared to sacrifice a toothbrush to two just to clean this bad by. The realistic ones dildo attachments aren’t so bad, but the Draken really stubbornly holds on to that vaginal fluid. Additionally, if you are using this on someone who squirts, the details in the handle will likely hold some fluids as well. It took multiple washes and a detailed eye to get everything off of handle and attachment.
In all honesty, I absolutely love this toy. I plan on using it often for the visual effect of it. However, masturbation isn’t the number one use I would choose for this toy. It really is something I’ll bring out for my partners to use on me, and for play parties, where I get to witness it’s use from a third (or at least second) person perspective.