Indigo Takes Care of their Sexual Health

10 out of 10

Pairs nicely with Cranberry juice. It’s good for your body, which means it’s good for your soul.

So we all know that I am passionate about sexual health in general. However, one of the main areas that I direct that passion is around STI stigma. I fight it wherever I can, including my workshops with students. I will gladly tell all of my partners when I was last tested, that I expect them to know their status, and I always have a condom with me when I think I’m going to get laid.

My blog has a tendency to be geared towards sexual pleasure, and I love what I write about. However, my tweets often delve into the realm of sexual health as well! It’s easy for me to schedule some tweets in advance, reminding people to get tested. I also tweet about all the times that I bang other people, and how I do so safely!

I love to write about sexual health, but for the people who follow me, it feels pretty 101 level. So I leave it at the door a lot. It doesn’t usually need a thousand word blog post from me. However, in all my erotica, I mention barriers. I try to casually include sex safety in my personal stories and essays. I have even spent long hours bragging about how I pushed a fellow into the rain to retrieve condoms from his car before we could bang it out.

However, I would be remiss if I didn’t tackle the basics at least once in this blog. I’m long overdue, so here we go. I’m going to something that I call my Top Three Tips for Banging Safely with Minimum Impact on Your Lifestyle. I call it that because it’s the name of the list. It’s a very long title, which is why it’s not the title of the post, just the title of the list.

First hint! Always have barriers and other sex safety supplies on hand! I keep a basket full of sex gear right next to my bed. It has condoms, dental dams, gloves and lube. When I feel the sexy times starting, I can reach right over for anything I need. I don’t have to dig through a drawer! I have regular condoms, extra large, lube-free, and latex-free. That way, any partner that shows up has the options they need to bang me!

In addition to what I have in my own home, I have my Safer Sex Kit, also called my Sex on the Go Kit. This kit comes with me on any extended trip, and any place where I think I may get laid. I am careful to store it in safe temperatures for condoms. It has all the same stuff my bed-side basket does. However, it’s organized into a small make-up case with a bullet vibe. This way, I can get off or get partners off anywhere I am. The most recent add-on was mouthwash because semen does not taste great. And because morning breath is my mortal enemy.

Between these two places, I will always have the things I need to safely bang someone. And in the two instances that my own condoms were not near, I made sure that someone else had them available. I have been lucky enough to spend my time with very safe humans. However, I know that I would have made good decisions if condoms weren’t available. I owe it to myself to be safe. I owe to my partners to be safe. And I don’t want to spend anymore time and money on medical issues than I have to.

However, how do you know what’s safe if you’re not educated? That’s the second tip! It’s important to get out there and know as much as you can about sexual safety. For example, it is safe to use Saran Wrap as a dental dam! In a pinch, most households have that simple barrier. When it comes to condoms, I find many people know how to use them, but many do not know when they are safe. Are your condoms stored properly? If not, they could deteriorate and lose structural integrity. This is another reason that condom expiration dates are so important! Be sure to use the first condoms you bought first, to make sure you aren’t wasting those that expire first.

It also helps to know how STIs work. For example, HIV is very fragile outside of the body and deteriorates fast, which is why it’s hard to contract it from things like shared toilet seats. I wipe toilet seats before sitting, but that’s it. Skin is semi-permeable. Only water gets through, and even then it takes a long time (think about prune-y fingers in the bathtub and how long that takes). Additionally, many STIs are called such because they can only transmit through vaginal fluids, semen or blood. They don’t exist in saliva enough to be transmitted through those channels. Additionally, knowing that most STIs are very treatable helps you defeat your own internalized stigma, and have less fear. With a clearer head, you can have more fun and make healthier decisions.

When all else fails, tip three is here to help. The last tip to stay sexually safe is to know your own status. Personally, I make it a point to get tested every six months. If I’ve had a lot of partners, I might get tested more, but it depends. I test through my Primary Care Physician, which is covered by insurance. It costs some lab fees, which add up to around $130 every time. That is nothing to sneeze at, I know. This a priority I set in my own budget so I can stay healthy and keep those around me healthy too.

However, I recently found I realize the acronym STD is out of date, but their service is not. They work with a series of contracted labs to provide testing nationwide. It’s easy to find something close. In addition to convenience, the fee for is only about $200. You get a ten-panel test. Since it is independent of insurance, it’s easy to do. And yes, it does sound like a scam. However, I have used this service and it is a valid and legitimate service. It took less than 30 minutes to get blood drawn and a urine sample. I had all my results within three or four business days. Which means I could get back to business, if you know what I’m saying.

This is the last fail safe in my eyes. If you know you have made a minor mistake, or had an accident happen, you can know the results and take appropriate measures in the future. That’s why this step is both the last, and the most important. In a way, it’s being edu
cated about yourself.

Without further ado, that’s all, folks! Being safe is sometime difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. For my part, I know I feel sexier when I know my sexual health. This may seem like 101 level information, but I hope it helps you navigate your future sexy encounters.

Indigo Explores: Kink Dynamics and Communication in Them!

10 out of 10
Pairs nicely with a good draft beer. There’s a huge amount of variety. Sometimes, it takes some getting used to the taste (especially in those microbreweries). And how long you nurse it depends on you.
I want to start this post off by saying that I use the words “vanilla” and “kinky” a lot. To me, kinky is a self-identified descriptor, which is surrounded by blurry lines (and I’ll go into detail on this later in the post). Vanilla sex simply means anything else. I personally feel that vanilla is a great descriptor word for this because vanilla is a flavor itself. It is not a lack of flavor, as I believed when I was a kid. It’s complex and full-bodied just like anything else. So I don’t use vanilla in a disparaging or judgmental way. It’s just a colloquial term for sex that is not kinky.
At Woodhull this year, I had the great privilege of hooking up with someone who I had been flirting with for months. He initiated and it was excellent fun to build up the tension and finally get to actually have sex after that!
However, there was one thing that caught me off guard about this partner; he is not kinky. He has described himself as “kink-adjacent,” which is a fun descriptor that makes sense for him. I have never identified as a vanilla person, but I have had lots of vanilla sex before. My long-term partners have a tendency to start the relationship vanilla, but eventually, I reveal (or possibly install) a kinky side that takes over our dynamics.
After having a partner for two years who I shared an extremely kinky dynamic with, I had forgotten what a vanilla hook-up felt like. If I’m being honest, I don’t think this particular hook-up has really reminded me either. It started out innocently, with make outs and oral and fingering. However, over the course of two separate sessions, he had fisted me, pinned me down (including my head/face), and gotten me off using his foot? So suddenly, this “vanilla” hook-up became some of the kinkiest sex I’ve had (completely on accident).
As I thought about these different descriptors, and how I felt throughout the sex, I began to realize some fun things about sex and kink. Until recently, I would not have called urination a kinky act. However, as someone who is mentally exploring the hypothetical of watersports, I now feel distinctly kinky sometimes as I duck into the bathroom. The same thing could be said of rope, which I saw frequently in the theatre and hardware stores, but now I can’t look at rope without getting a little wet. The lines between “sexy,” “kinky,” and “vanilla” can blur in subtle ways.
I recently saw Kevin Patterson describe himself as “french vanilla” or “kink-adjacent,” so I reached out for a more detailed description of this and got this quote:
“I’ve got lots of partners who are kinky. None of it really sets my soul on fire, but I’m into seeing my partners happy. Their reactions are my kink. So, if that means biting the shit out of someone who’s into biting, I’m into it. If I get to watch my partner melt because I call her a “good girl”, that’s what I’m doing that night. It should still come with some communication, negotiation, and boundaries though. But yeah, for the most part, if it’s not a complete departure from my comfort zone, if my partner is hot for something I can turn it on for their benefit. And their reaction turns me on.”

Kevin Patterson of PolyRoleModels

I commented off-hand that this sounded like a service top to me, and Kevin didn’t disagree. However, I would never place that title on anyone who didn’t claim it themselves.
When I asked about full negotiations and other communication styles usually associated with kink, Kevin told me he had never participated in any of them. I’ve begun to re-frame kink in my mind. It still has to do with fetish and what gets people off, but kink is more than the actions that are taken in the bedroom. Instead, it is a feeling and dynamic that may or may not include sex at all. It has more to do with communication and mental/emotional dynamics. That may sound elementary to some, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it said out loud.
This idea becomes more clear to me as I hear about folx who experience and play with kink, but never involve penetration or stimulation of sexuality at all. I met one couple who enjoyed co-topping new people, but it only ever involved impact and sensation play. It never breached into penetration, genital stimulation or even dirty talk. Their focus was instead catharsis for themselves and their bottoms. It reminds me of the subtle lines that a therapist walks with clients. They can be friends, but it’s only in the loosest definition of it. Anything more would be crossing their professional limits.
At Woodhull, I also had a couple of excellent (extremely kinky) sessions with a close friend of mine, who I have played with a few times in the past. We did a scene that involved a lot of impact, where I did slip into subspace. It was familiar, but still deep and exploratory for me. This scene did involve a lot of negotiation, and a lot of verbal communication throughout. This is the kind of interaction I am used to these days, which makes me wonder how I will ever have a one night stand ever again. In this interaction, I was able to let go more fully and let my partner lead me where he wanted. It was more relaxing for me, because I did not feel the need to check in with myself mentally. I knew he was watching and I completely trusted him. This is partially because we’ve played many times before. But it also has a lot to do with the negotiation. He knew my limits, wants and needs. Because I knew that he knew, I didn’t feel the need to check in during the scene, and could leave that responsibility to him as we agreed.
I played with one other person at Woodhull, who revealed to me an entirely different mindset in kink scenarios. (This is why I love my life: every time I think I know about kink/sex/relationships, I learn something new that I just haven’t seen before.) This partner was amazingly relaxed. We simply did some play with scratching and other sensations. I would not say that I was dominated. Anything they asked me to do, I did it, but it was never from a place of submissive obedience. It was simply playing, in the truest sense of the word. I did not mentally relax through the scene in the same way I normally do because the negotiation was brief and not comprehensive. I needed to make sure I was mentally and physically okay the whole time because the top never agreed to take on that responsibility. We laughed and chatted through the whole scene. It never brought on any subspace, and I never felt like we weren’t equal. In fact, I felt energized and entertained by the play. It was almost like a therapy session in that it left me fully centered and ready for life.
So in one weekend, I had three different partners (hello I am slut). Between those three, I experienced styles that differed wider than I thought was possible. I’m used to each partner having subtle differences. However, this was like having different languages to learn on the fly. Good gods, it was the most fun I’ve had since I discovered puzzle games on my phone. It started me thinking about communication in a whole new way.
So what happened in the first (vanilla) hook-up? Well, there was no negotiation. Though I was at one point pinned down, I didn’t say “I’m okay with this.” Of course, I consented to everything. The sex was hot and the person could read my enthusiastic yes to everything, but I did not verbally say “I like this” until after we were done. Even then, it was in a casual way. We talked about our firsts (“I’ve never gotten anyone off with my foot before,” “I’ve never had a fist that big inside me”), but we didn’t decompress as I’m used to after sex. Though I had been dominated during sex, I did not go into subspace. As a result, I didn’t need that much aftercare, and what I received was exactly what I needed. It was about 20 minutes of cuddling and laughing, just enough to enjoy the sexy afterglow. Then we showered (and had more sex there) and parted ways for the next activity. These are all the things that seem to come with the unwritten rules of vanilla hook-ups.
I looked to my vanilla consultant, Kevin, to help with these unsaid cues and how to navigate them:
Kevin: I just trust my partners to tell me what they like…and to be honest when I check in with them.
Indigo: How do you check in? Words? Physical Cues?
Kevin: Physical to start, but verbal whenever there’s anything even vaguely uncertain.
Indigo: If you don’t mind my asking, what does a physical yes look like versus anything uncertain?
Kevin: Moaning, arching in, eye contact, heavy breathing. Versus still breathing, hand stopping. quick sharp inhalations, wincing.”

-Conversation between Me and Kevin Patterson via Twitter DMs

Though the sex was amazing, and I wrote about it extensively in my personal logs, I didn’t feel the same way I do when I have kinky sex. Kinky sex touches my soul very deeply. I connect with partners in a way that I rarely achieve just through vanilla sex acts. I have been grappling with what it is that I miss with (most of my) vanilla sex. When I compared these different partners at Woodhull, I realized I am missing vulnerability and trust. When I don’t negotiate in any way with a new partner, I can’t really let myself go around them until we’ve had a few sessions together. It takes me longer to release my brain and let the sensations take over. Until that happens, I can’t be in the moment the same way someone else is.
Before I offend anyone, I have had non-kinky sex that was extremely connective and it helped me feel closer to my partners and it was amazing. But that has only happened with established partners who I’ve had sex with a lot. In one night stands, or sessions with new partners, it is unlikely that I will completely relax and be in the moment. When I negotiate a kinky scene, there is more freedom for me to relax because I know we have explored the options and covered limits, boundaries, and cues. The emotional return on kinky scenes is immediate, in some ways. After just a 30 minute conversation, I can immediately relax into the scene, instead of having to wait until I know and trust my partner.
So when kinky acts get explored without using explicit words, it’s often just fine. With very little communication, my first ever sex partner tied me up and fucked me. That went well for me, and I’m still a rope enthusiast. With no verbal communication, my vanilla hook-up concluded with a foot job, and getting pinned down. That ended up great for me, and I hope to have more interactions with this partner.
But it still frightens me a bit to think about hook-ups with other people going the same way. This partner and I flirted online for months, and we read each other’s work, so there was subtle communication, and time to get to know each other. That doesn’t even count the vetting from other mutual friends. During our sessions, I did not know what would happen from one moment to the next, and that was exhilarating. However, if I had met him at a bar somewhere, I would not have let him do half the things he did. I trusted him enough for them because we had chatted for months. And so it scares me when I think about the lines between kink and vanilla beginning to muddle. If someone doesn’t take the time to understand what they are doing in a scene, feelings and physical bodies can be hurt. Trauma can be created or past traumas triggered.
In my lifetime, I have been lucky to experience all levels of kink with my partners, and I have been luckier still that my experiences are all good. I want to learn more about different styles of kink and communication, and how they develop. It’s important to have a good time in this life, but it’s also important to protect yourself and others. This is what I explore and emphasize communication whenever possible. Personally, I feel comfortable in the balance I’ve found. I can give someone my trust, but it has to be earned by them, and I do not regret where I’ve placed my sexual trust so far.

Indigo Tries Getting Fisted

9 out of 10
This pairs nicely with a full bottle of wine. Any color. Any type. But definitely all of it. The whole thing.*
*Don’t drink and get laid. It’s irresponsible. Don’t drink and fist.
This post was created in collaboration with Kit Bauer. Their generosity with money and time allowed me to take my time and research what others’ thought. You can find their (amazing) Twitter Feed here, and their escorting page here! 
Let me tell you a story. As a budding blogger, I heard the term fisting, and I briefly wondered what it was before a kind human turned to me and said “Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like.” Then, I knew what fisting was. And because I am goal-oriented, I immediately knew that one day, I would be fisted. Because I am a size qweeng and because I like to overcome obstacles.
A couple years later, I was spending the night with a bang buddy. She is the first vulva-owner I’ve ever had sex with. After that exploration, which was truly divine, she wanted to finger me. So she started with a dominant routine of hitting and teasing, which led to inserting two fingers. Then three, and four. I just kept wanting more (she is quite small). She said “Are you…sure?” Being lost in the moment, I just moaned “Yes yes!” She went quiet and fumbled around and then went still.
“Is…everything okay down there?”
“Well…your vagina ate my hand.”
And that is the story of how I got fisted for the first time. The second happened that very same night. My second fisting partner would come along (heh) two weeks later at a conference in Toronto. And now I would say I can take a good many fists with ease (consecutively, not at the same time…but like goals, though).
So what is fisting? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like: you take an entire hand (or fist) into an orifice. It can be done vaginally or anally. I am sure that more creative people have done orally as well. If there are others ways to fist, I cannot fathom them, but I do appreciate other people getting creative with their bodies. It’s often seen as a challenge to overcome, or a really hot way of giving pleasure. It’s denoted in the Hanky Code by the color red.
So I have never fisted anyone (had my fist in a person), I have only been fisted (received a fist into my amazing body). Since fisting had been a goal of mine actively, I spent the first minute with a fist in me just being fucking proud and amazed by my vagina. I felt my partner rotate their arm and their knuckles inside me. Though insertion had to be performed with a traditional thin hand (all fingers pointing away from the wrist and close together), she could make a real fist once inserted.
Let me tell you, there was a beautiful minute where I felt so accomplished. I was so proud. And then she moved it just a little, and I felt myself tense up and orgasm. It was unlike any other orgasm I’d ever had. For me, fisting still brings a unique orgasm that I cannot reach with any other activity. I have just recently found my A-Spot, and I love it. But even that is different than what fisting feels like. I personally feel like fisting hits my A-Spot and my G-spot at the same time, which leads to an intense squirting sometimes. It has all the psuedo-pain and tenseness of a G-Spot stimulation, as well as all the deep and gentle power behind the A-Spot stimulation.
As I’ve said, within a month, I was getting fisted once more at Playground Conference. My friend Taylor J Mace and I had planned this for awhile before it happened, and it was a little different being fisted with purpose and intention. It also helped that we had done some more intense Dom/Sub interaction beforehand. I was thoroughly in subspace when he started. It was even more intense somehow, though there were some people watching. Since he is quite experienced, it also helped because I wasn’t pushed. And though I didn’t get quite to the wrist because I was in a small space, I know that his fist will be inside me entirely soon.
My experiences of fisting are entirely from a submissive perspective, with some kind of Dom/Sub dynamic. So I asked around for others’ take! I was especially interested in what my friend Kit Bauer had to say because they have also been fisted, but without the Dom/Sub dynamics.
“I felt so open, exposed and the amount of nerve endings that are touched is incredible. I also feel very intense waves of emotions during fisting – at times I want to cry while at other times I felt completely overcome by the pleasurable sensations. I felt so intensely vulnerable to put my trust in someone else like that and because of this I can find it difficult to come back to reality afterwards. I just want to be held, not have to speak, or even to be alone and come back to my body.” When I asked about the Dom/Sub dymanics, they admitted to not having any altered headspace. Instead, they said “I felt like I was being given a gift. Perhaps it made me more dominant, but I wasn’t in a dominant headspace.”
There is a distinct possibility that my sexual interactions are almost exclusively submissive now, just because I’m always submissive. However, I will admit that when I’m being fisted and there is a lot of communication, I’m closer to equal with my partners than when I’m not being fisted. I believe that the trust we place in each other makes us closer to equal, which is fascinating as a kinkster, sex educator and as a psychologist.
To further my information, I of course turned to Twitter, where a few other people also mentioned the physical sensations, same as Kit. They used a lot of words like “Intense”, “Connective”, and “Stretched.” However, some folks really got into detail about being a fister, and mentioned that bodies are soft and warm. The tightness as partners came and the sense of accomplishments on both sides of the fist were common themes.
A few people who are dominant and fisters also mentioned a heightened sense of power. They talk about having so much of their submissive under their control. One person even mentioned that between eye contact and muscle contractions, it becomes hotter because there is no verbal communication needed (though it is of course allowed). I believe that this is what draws me to fisting as a sub. It’s so vulnerable that anyone who is domming me with their entire fist has such amazing power over me. Because of that, they have to listen to me because if something does go wrong, it could potentially go really wrong.
Fisting is one of the universal acts. I mean this in the way that it can be intimate or it can be business-like. It can be done with Dom/Sub dynamics. However, it can also be a simple, intimate act that is shared partners. For me, I saw fisting as an ultimate goal and a place to be as submissive as my body would allow. Now, I find it to be a way to form a strong bond between myself and my partners, specifically with my own kink dynamics. I have a goal to fist someone someday, but I’m okay to only receive for now.
As a last note, I want to say: Fisting is a bit hard to accomplish for some folks, and I want to have a brief moment to acknowledge that. Some people just won’t be able to take a full fist. That is completely okay. Bodies are all different and your body is amazing, even if it doesn’t check every box that exists. There are many ways to connect with a partner or to submit. This is just one. Love your body where it is.
This post was created in collaboration with Kit Bauer. Their generosity with money and time allowed me to take my time and research what others’ thought. You can find their (amazing) Twitter Feed here, and their escorting page here! 

Indigo Creates a Sex On the Go Kit!

10 out of 10
Pairs nicely with soylent. It can travel with you, replace a usual stay-at-home meal/drink. And it’s just plain smart to have on hand.
I once saw Bex mention a safer sex kit that they have, and though I had never heard the term before, I immediately knew what was in theirs, what every safer sex kit should have, and what mine should include at all costs. And so, with a lack of funds, I began to slowly build one. I had some condoms from Woodhull that I put into my purse and that was the first step. It wasn’t enough for me, though. What happened if I met a nice vulva-owner who needed my face? What if I met someone with a large toy collection that they needed me to conquer? What if I found someone who wanted to fist me?
I realized that my paltry few condoms were not only useless in these situations, but I was giving into the patriarchy. I was raised as a woman and the expectation that all I needed for “sex” was a condom was inherently erasing my sexuality. So this Christmas, when a good friend of mine asked what I wanted, I happily requested a make-up bag from her company. I had some choices of color, and I went with a subtle black exterior, and a bright pink interior. It was perfect. She made me talk to her family about what it was for too, which made my educator heart soar!
So what did I know was going in this bag? Well, let me take you on a delightful tour of my Safer Sex Kit!
There is a black Sheets of San Francisco Funsheet spread out. On top is a collection of lube samples, condoms, dental dams. There is a small black make-up case next to them, which is opened to reveal black of black gloves and more condoms.
Why yes, I have mentioned condoms already, but let me elaborate. I’m lucky enough to live near a sex shop that has a full wall of single condoms with a wide variety of traits. They have non-lubricated, non-latex, colored, and varied sizes. So I went wild on this wall. I collected an assortment to fill as many needs as possible. I now have at least one of each kind (though often more), so I know that no matter what allergies I meet, I’m covered! I even picked up some colored condoms for fun (because though I’m an adult, I’m still a little at heart).
So I really like variety in my sex. I don’t just want a partner to shove a dick in me and have at it. I like dicks, and PIV (Penis in Vagina) certainly has a place in my usual sex repertoire. However, what if I want anal? What about warm-up? What about just good, old-fashioned finger banging? Well, I’ll need gloves for that. Since I know myself, and will probably want them for butt stuff, I went all out and picked up some black nitrile gloves from my local Homo Home Depot. I wanted the black to hide any potential (insignificant) flecks, which sometimes happen with butt stuff. I also picked up nitrile because latex allergies are incredibly common. (I actually may be allergic, which has shown in my use of latex gloves, but condoms have never bothered me. My body is weird.)
Dental Dams
Yes, I love the vulvae I meet, and I want to be able to pleasure them with my face, as long as the owners of said vulvae also want that. So I have some dental dams in my bag as well. Now, I know it’s possible to cut a condom and use it as a dental dam, but I won’t always have scissors, so I’m definitely glad to have the dams I do. I had to choose from the flavored ones because that was all my store had (I was so upset). If I do have sex with someone who has an allergy, I’ll have to find some scissors and cut up a condom after all. However, for all the other vulva babes, I’ll be set.
So along with a wall of condoms, the shop I visit also conveniently has a wall of lube samples. Small packets of lube that are single use. Almost every sex store has a selection of these, but my local shop is the best and has a huge variety (yes, I am biased). I went in one day and spent about $10 on lube samples for my kit. I bought some of the fun flavored ones, but I also picked up silicone for on-the-go fisting, as well as water-based and organic lube. Again with the “at least one of each” method. Having a variety is important so that none of my partners have to compromise their health just to bang me.
A black make-up chase with a quilted texture is sitting on a black Sheets of San Francisco Fun Sheet. Beside the bag is a small black vibrator.
Bullet Vibe
So I like to have a little small bullet vibe because my clit is really picky about the type of stimulation it gets. I often find that I don’t want others to touch my clit, but to focus their attention on the actual penetration, or other acts. As a result, I like to have a bullet for me to use. In particular, I love the Fun Factory Bullet. It’s a very hard plastic, so I can apply the pressure I usually need to get off. It’s rechargeable as well, so it’s incredibly rumbly for a bullet, and I’m being nice to the environment!
The Biggest Item of All
Now, I don’t always know what will happen when I have sex on the go, but usually if there will be penetration, there will be a lot of natural lubricant produced. My body is really juicy, as I’ve mentioned before. So with my Sex on the Go Kit, I needed to have something more than just barriers for my partners. I need barriers for my environment too.
My local club uses puppy pads, which are just around for anyone to use. I loved this idea because it’s something I need for every scene that involves penetration. However, though this is good for a club, I wanted to reduce my impact on the environment because that’s very important to me. So instead, I use a waterproof sheet.
In my case, I use the Sheets of San Francisco. I love this sheet in particular for my safer sex kit because it folds up small. Unfolded, it’s 84″ x 100″ (that’s more than 7 feet by 8 feet, for those counting at home), but it folds to less than a cubic foot! It holds up to wear and tear, and it’s safe to be washed, so I always know that if something comes home with me, it will get washed away. My small items live in the make-up case and that acts as sort of a small, emergency kit. But it’s rare that I take just that kit. Instead, I’d much rather have a small tote with that kit, and my fluid-proof sheet.
Even though my Safer Sex Kit has expanded past my make-up case, it’s more than worth it to have all my bases covered (heh).

Indigo is a Sex Diety

6 out of 10
Pairs nicely with a fruit wine. Sometimes, it’s great. You drink it, you love it. It’s sweet without being overwhelming. Other times, you drink it, but it’s cough syrup. And still other times, it’s too sour.
So in my life, I have had sex with 6 people. It doesn’t seem like a lot, I know. What I lack in diversity, I make up for in occurrence, I promise. Here’s some stats!

  • Three of them were boyfriends; One of them was a VERY DRUNK one night stand where nothing could happen because I had cotton mouth and no incentive to do better. Two were short-term partners who I only had sex with once.
  • All were cis-men (which still makes me so sad, and I’m working on changing my record).
  • Within the relationships each of them said “You are the best lay/blowjob/handjob/etc. I’ve had.” Some act or the whole experience stood out as a best.
  • After the relationships, I only kept in contact with two (the third just fell off the map); both of those maintain that I have been the best sex they’ve had.
  • In my recent relationship (of two years), I had sex an average of twice a week.

It’s worth knowing: Two points make a line, but it’s not set in stone. If you, dear reader, are hoping to bang me and that happens, please don’t put extra pressure on me. That is the number one way to ensure that I will not be at my best.
But if I follow this pattern (and I’m sure I will), then I will conclude that I’m fucking awesome at sex. To the point that both of these exes still masturbate to fantasies of me. So I asked them some questions about what made our sex so good. And I tried to narrow down how my sexual activities set me apart from others that they’ve had. I got some really great responses, and I want to share them here with you!
Some of it is genetic! So I’ll start with the bad news. Some of being a sex god in written into your genetics. I like sex a lot, and I can go for hours. I have no gag reflex (thank you, public school lunches). I don’t bleed in my cycle anymore. My labia are firm and large, helping to cushion, as well as prevent over-insertion. I have a high roof to my mouth, which lets me maneuver more during a blow job. (Apparently, I almost swallowed a sweet gherkin as a child. It’s very appropriate considering where I ended up, honestly.)  I also have a huge butt. If someone’s cock doesn’t want to go into a hole, I can just shove it between my cheeks and sort of…motorboat it to orgasm? It’s rare that this happens though because I’m a size kweeng.
I ask for what I want. That’s right. One ex told me that it was amazing how much confidence I had in asking for what I want. I had been dying to try rope play, so on our second interaction, I brought some rope. We tried it that night and it was amazing even though it was only our second sexual encounter. Maybe don’t follow this exact example. It was probably less than safe, logically speaking. Just because I turned out fine doesn’t mean it was a good idea. After all, kink and power play requires a lot of trust.
A direct quote: “It was impossible to refuse you anything because you knew just how to act and what to say.” My enthusiasm for new things, and willingness to ask for what I want was a huge turn on for this ex. Another ex said, “There was a confidence in your asking. I was domming a lot, but I always felt like you could take control if you wanted to. And that was somehow hot.”
I praised them with words and noises. My most recent ex told me that my praises were the best part of sex, which was backed up by this quote from my first ex: “There was passion and interplay. You were vocal.” So I definitely had a lot of responses to how I vocalize during sex. The ironic thing is that this is a skill I had to teach myself. I grew up with thin walls and my first sexual encounters were quiet, but lovely. And when a partner pointed this out, I actually worked on it. What I say and noises I make are actually more thought out than others believe. Those self-taught noises ended up being a favorite part of my sexuality.
I follow their lead. I have a specific memory of my first make-out session with a boy. We were sitting on my porch and I leaned in for the kiss. I saw he wasn’t going to, but I had decided that I wanted to make the fuck out with a human, so I did (to be clear, he was consenting, just awkward). I remember gently feeling how his lips moved and let him work where he wanted. By the end, he had focused almost entirely on my bottom lip, and I was free to explore his tongue and top lip. Occasionally, we would switch, but for the most part, it was easy to read each other.
Later, in my first blow job, I did something similar. Letting my lips and tongue move where they wanted to. I explored and listen. Eventually, I switched to my hands so I could examine his facial expressions, reading exactly what worked.
These are both examples of how I didn’t know someone and just followed their lead. As it turns out, we are communicating through body language at every second. Instead of guessing if something was right or wrong, I read the body language that was presented. In fact, sex is the only area that I trust myself with body language. It’s possible that this skill has been a part of my submissive identity since the dawn of my sexuality.
Some technique is involved. I’ll be honest. There’s a lot of enthusiasm and openness to be had with sex. But there are some techniques. “You ride a dick like it was your god damn job.” “The intercourse was always amazing.” “I’d be happy to fuck the shit out of you, but I need more of that [blow job] first.” These are all quotes from exes that talk about different acts which I was particularly good at.
The techniques I use for blow jobs feel pretty obvious to me. I start out slow and build up, both speed and suction. I use my tongue wherever I can, and I frequently get asked to deep throat, which I happily do because as stated above, I have no gag reflex. I recommend starting blow jobs with some over-the-pants work. Get your partner really worked up. If you’re with the type who gets undressed too fast, that’s okay! There are plenty of erogenous zones around the pelvis. Where the inside of the thighs meet the torso is my favorite because no one expects it. As for actually having the dick in your mouth, remember to slow down and breath sometimes. Giving them and yourself a break is a good idea. Both for asking what they like best and for building suspense.
When I’m riding someone, I focus on my hips and how they can rotate. I was a dance major for my two-year degree, so I’m hyper-aware of where my body is moving and I use flexibility to my advantage. If you want to replicate some of what I do, I suggest using your butt as a spring. Land on it gently, and use that cushion to give you some spring back up. Leaning forward or back can change the angle and by extension, the whole feel of the act. And my favorite move is to use circles. Circular motion can be better for stamina, as well as sensations.
What happens when I fail? Well, I recently had a sexual encounter where there was just no chemistry. I wanted to experience something, but it wasn’t there. I continued because the acts felt good, and I wouldn’t say I regret the encounter by any stretch. However, there was something with the pheromones that just made it hard for me to enjoy this person. The taste, the smell of them was all wrong for me. As a result, I wasn’t very giving. I was a needy brat and such a bottom. However, even this person wanted a second interaction. We are friends now, and not partners, but he asked if we might play sometimes. I didn’t say never, but I also turned him down. So apparently, even in my moments of self-described failure, I still receive so well that folx will want a second encounter.
I strive to make my sexual encounters full of enthusiasm. I choose my partners carefully, and I usually go out on one or two dates first to make sure my choices are justified and not forced. During the encounter, I try to make eye contact at points to see what’s going on in their heads. I listen to the noises that mean what I have tried was good (or bad). But primarily, I assume that I have very little technical prowess. As a result, I am forced to experiment on them. I find out first hand what they like and what they don’t. When I can get all these points just right, I love the way that my domly humans lose control at the moment they orgasm. I am a sex deity, and you can be too!

Indigo Tries ALL the Butt Stuff

10 out of 10
Pairs will with a spiced rum like Kraken. It’s bold, with a nice finish, and a little bit of orange lingering. Bottoms up!
This post was sponsored by Betty’s Toybox! Do me a favor and drop by their site to do some shopping for the products I mention, or others if they strike your fancy for other toys!
When I first heard about anal sex, it was on accident. Honestly, I made some joke about “the butts kissing” and my sister (who felt I was too young to be worried about) said “That’s a thing, you know. So don’t talk about it.” Well…not sorry little sister, but I’m here to talk about it at length!
I was inspired to write this post when I received a Pure Plug from Woodhull this year. I thought to myself “Oh good, I can review it.” I was getting ready to write that review, when another blogger commented off-hand that the Njoy items are reviewed so heavily and reviewing them doesn’t really have a point anymore. We know they are solid toys. So I made a pact with myself: I would only review Njoy toys when I had an opinion that I felt was different than everyone else’s (like the Pure Wand). In essence, if I didn’t have anything to add, I would keep my mouth shut.
This meant that I would probably never pick up another Njoy toy for review, which meant having to spend more money on toys. And then I remembered my own adventures in butt sex, and how all the toys were so overhwelming as I got started, and I realized two things: I should write about butt stuff. AND I could ask for another Njoy toy as a result. So all aboard the butt stuff train!
(A Very Brief) Introduction

Indigo's butt in black underwear with a silhouette shark and the words "Bite Me" on the seat.
Here’s a photo of my butt in case you forgot how great it is. Bonus funderwear.

Butt sex for some is a no-go. That hole is an exit-only and it’s often filled with feces. It’s unsanitary and generally gross to them. That’s fine, as long as they don’t yuck my yum, because I’ve been playing with my butt for 3 years now and I love the feeling. I want to be clear about this: If you’re cleaning regularly, not using insertables ass to mouth/vulva, then you’re doing great. The risks are quite low. Roll on, friend-o.
When exploring anal, please please please use a lot of lube and perform lots of warm-up. If possible, I recommend Silicone lube whenever possible. It’s the best for staying slick. However, if you have gloves, condoms (please use condoms!) or silicone toys, use this water-based lube! I have gloves and lube right next to my bed for exclusively butt-warming purposes. Because even though I am well-versed in butt stuff, even I need a warm-up for basic insertables. Please never ignore these things.
But of course, this post isn’t a how-to. This post is about the things that go into a butt, so lets just get started!
The Plug
When it comes to butt toys, the very first thing folx think of is the all-classic plug. It’s got a narrow bottom and top and is wide, but roughly symmetrical otherwise. This style is really easy to find, and I think that almost every company has that shape somewhere in their repertoire. It’s easily inserted, stays in place (for the most part) and it is easy to make. Because of this universality, it’s a good way to train your butt into something.
A stainless steal butt plug sits on a blue cloth. There is a sunset reflected in the steel and a brick wall in the background.
When beginning, if you you decide to go for a plug, think about the things you want in it. What size would be good for you? Does one finger satisfy, or do you enjoy having multiple fingers? The Njoy Pure Plugs are a classic for most folks. They have a lot of weight, they are smooth and easily inserted, and they are easy to clean. They are the height of luxury! But they come with a price, so be sure that you get the right size for you. It would be a shame for it to arrive and then it doesn’t fit, or doesn’t satisfy. I can’t decide which would be worse, honestly.
So here’s a disclaimer: beads are not my favorite type of toy in the world. It is hard to find a good set of beads that grows well, and also gives enough space to actually feel like anything. I have one set of “Hearts on a String” which I purchased because they were inexpensive and I could start exploring anal beads. So I hunkered down with my partner. I made him sit there and watch me masturbate. Right as I came, I yelled “GO” and he pulled. It felt like…nothing, really. I honestly thought there was a carrot in my ass that just got pulled out. Yes, it got smaller, but I didn’t experience any bumps or extreme pleasure from it.
Black silicone anal beads with four beads of progressing size sit on a green fabric. There is a crescent base with a bullet vibe inserted.
Does this mean anal beads are bad? No, absolutely not. In fact, I use them on my partners who are new to anal because they grow. It’s like having several different sizes in one toy, which can make it a great start for beginners!
If you like anal beads (or the idea of them), I did acquire this set of beads from Tantus whose shape I absolutely love. They grow with space between the beads, so I could feel my anus expanding and retracting as they were inserted and pulled. That stimulation is exactly what I love about anal, so these beads were ideal for me! They can also comfortably stay in my butt for long periods (for those extended play sessions). No carrots allowed in my bum anymore!
Dildos are probably the last toy I think of when I think about anal play. There’s a simple reason for this: I have somewhere else that dildos should go. However, I have experienced a lot of dildos in my ass during desperate times (read: I just need things in my butt a lot). So I’m here to talk about some different dildos that are useful for this.
I’m going to start with a regular pegging dildo. These are made for anal beginners, and I say to screw the label. If it goes into a dude-butt, it will go into mine. I own one that I got originally for my boyfriend, but it’s become a warm-up piece for me now. These are very often smooth and small for easy warm-up anal play. They are also (typically!) strap-on compatible because they usually are used by folx who don’t have a penis already.
A semi-transparent dildo with orange swirls is suctioned to the wall by it's base.
The Funkit Swell is a good choice for small toys with a big impact!

I have reserved a special note for the Tantus Super Soft line. I have used both the Vamp and the Destiny in my butt, with mixed results. It seems like a lot to conquer, but honestly, they just squish so well that my butt was really just underwhelmed by size and texture. I like a little more fight in my play (yes, even from my toys, sigh). However, I do maintain that these would be great toys for folks who are stepping up from plugs to dicks/other larger items.
Other Toys
A silver dildo sits on blue fabric. It's got one bulb on one side, and three bulbs of progressing size on the other.
I wasn’t quite sure where to put the Fun Wand in this post. I consider it to be small for a dildo, and it has this delightful set of beads at one end. So I’m putting it here under “Other Toys” because it is extremely worth mentioning. I had this hunch when I saw it at my old retail job, but when I talked with Veronica of Vulva, Ink., at Woodhull this year, I was convinced that I had to have this toy for my very own butt. Now, I do and I cannot stop using this toy in my butt. It feels amazing. It’s smooth enough to thrust with, but has a feeling like beads that I can’t describe. I would say that lube is extra important with this toy (and you should definitely get the extra slick silicone lube). Especially if you (like me) insist on thrusting. I have not used this toy for anything else and I sort of suspect that my butt has claimed it. I will probably never put this toy in my butt, honestly. If you love your butt, you should buy this toy right now. Go. I’ll wait.
As I said above, the Njoy Pure Plugs are a favorite for most people, and that has a lot to do with that stainless steel. However, I’m also a fan of glass for similar reasons. I need a minimum amount of lube, and it slides in nicely. Stainless steel and glass both clean easily and do not hold odors at all.
Silicone is great, because it cleans easy. However, since it is semi-porous, it can hold an odor, and I will often sanitize my silicone plugs to remove this odor. It’s as simple as dipping into boiling water, or mixing a 10% bleach solution for them to sit in. Don’t leave silicone in either for very long, and be sure to dry them and remind them how great they are later.
Extra Sensations
Vibration. I put it everywhere else down there, so why not in my butt? I just acquired this set of Tantus vibrating anal beads (mentioned above in “Beads” as well). My goodness, I never thought that I would love vibration so much. On my first go round, I felt that three of the beads was perfect. Then I turned on that bullet, and I immediately had to shove the fourth one in. My body wanted that vibration as strong as possible in my ass. I had one of the fastest orgasms of my life.

Weighted. If you’re familiar with kegel balls, you know that they are usually hollow with a weight in the middle that moves. I don’t know about building muscles, but I have the Fun Factory B Balls Duo, and I love this toy. I put this on when I’m just making dinner, because I love the feeling of the weights as I dance around my kitchen. I’m still waiting for a sir who will make me insert these and go up and down the steps with them. It feels amazing to do this on my own, and I suspect the show would be good for watching.
However, this isn’t something that feels great during masturbation. There just isn’t enough pelvic movement for that. Perhaps it’s better during partnered play, but I don’t have a partner to test that with right now.
Thrusting. For me, the important part of anal play is the stimulation of my sphincter. That means that thrusting is the most amazing. As I mentioned above, the Fun Wand is the best toy for this. Other smooth dildos would certainly be a good choice, though lacking interest for me. I recommend the Tantus Super Soft line for beginner butt-thrusters. Their giving silicone allows for a really easy feeling as they move.
How Butt Stuff Helps
Story time! When I discovered my gender, I was sad about a lot of things. I was sad that I lived in confusion for so long. I was sad that I didn’t have a penis I could attach and feel. But I was also sad I didn’t have a prostate. No boy would ever put his finger in me and feel that spot and make me have amazing orgasms. Or so I thought.
It’s weird, but the most helpful thing for my gender is using the Njoy Pure Wand in my butt. I will never have a prostate (unless science advances A LOT in the next few decades), but with this toy, I can feel it on my g-spot through the vaginal wall. I’ve even squirted from this! So when I have a lot of gender feels, I sit down with my Pure Wand and pretend I’m a handsome boi getting fucked good.
I also know many people who can use butt stuff to fulfill mostly impossible fantasies. I saved this one for last because it’s my surprise favorite. As I browsed the butt stuff category at Betty’s Toybox, I found the Crystal Delights Pony Tail. It was pretty, and it came attached to a plug. I added it to the list because I realized that butt stuff doesn’t just feel good. It can make fantasies real. This can go for pony tails, dog tails, bunny tails even. When you can place an item in your body that makes a scene come alive for you, that’s amazing. When you feel more like yourself with or without a partner, that’s amazing. For my part, I braided a bridle out of lovely ribbon, and I’ve got my pony plug in hand. It’s glass, it’s pretty, and I’m really in the moment.
A glass butt plug with an attached curly tail sits on a green dish. There is a brick wall with Ivy in the background.
I hope you enjoyed my stories and this guide! Go out there and fulfill your wildest, butt-filled (and butt-filling) dreams!
This post was sponsored by Betty’s Toybox! Do me a favor and drop by their site to do some shopping for the products I mentioned, or other toys if they strike your fancy!

Indigo Gets an IUD!

9 out of 10*
*Experiences vary, please talk to your gynecologist for the method that will work best for you!
Pairs well with a nice stout. I recommend Guinness, because it lasts a long time and gets the job done (for me).

A hand with an IUD in the thumb and forefinger. The IUD is a white T-shape with a slightly curved lid.
Image courtesy of

So today, I have something that’s part education and part review. I’m going to talk about my IUD and how much I love it. This isn’t a sponsored post. I just really love the method of birth control that worked for my body. I found this method by talking to my gynecologist about it, and there are many choices. Something else may work better for you! That’s awesome because bodies are different!
So first, some background! I am diagnosed with PCOS. If you want to know more about those experiences, I suggest reading this article I wrote! I was on “the pill” to mitigate those symptoms, but I was worried about how it affected my body and moods, so I talked about it! I found out how Mirena works, and I was really excited to let my body take over again.
So when you’re on oral birth control, it has to move through your whole system to get to your uterus. As a result, it’s common for folx to have other reactions such a weight gain and hair loss. In my life, I experienced a bit of weight loss, then a lot of weight gain, some mood swings and a lot of hair loss. As it turns out, my mood swings and hair loss are just my body, but I’m glad I found that out by stopping the pill.
A diagram of a uterus with a Mirena IUD placed.
Image courtesy of

By contrast, an IUD is placed in the uterus, so all the hormones it uses are a tiny fraction of what is in the pill. Instead of traveling all over the body, it travels only a few inches to reach it’s target because it lives in its target! So the hormonal changes most people experience are minimal.
My gynecologist had me stay on the pill through insertion, which is somewhat rare. Typically, they want you to be menstruating, but she said it was fine, and I trusted her. I’m glad that I did because I feel like it has a lot to do with how good my experience is. I went in to for the insertion and this is the only negative part about IUDs. I felt like I was getting probed by an alien. Not in a fun, kidnapping, tie up, gang bang, alien scene kind of way, but in an awful, painful, alarming way. (Though, that alien scene sounds kind of fun now.) I sat at the office for an extra 15 minutes trying to get color back into my face and move again. It took maybe a minute, but it was so weird and painful.
After I left the office, I went immediately to a friend’s house, sat on her couch and whined about how my uterus was trying to kill me. The cramps were pretty bad, but they slowly got better after watching two movies and eating some food. By the next day, I was mostly pain-free. A few twinges here and there, but I assumed it was my body getting used to this foreign object. By the next week, I had forgotten that it was there at all, except that I no longer took pills every day.
Some other folx I know had cramping for months after insertion of an IUD, so I really want to emphasize that stories vary. I have found overwhelmingly that my friends had an average of 1-2 months of cramps and found them to be TOTALLY WORTH IT. I have yet to meet anyone who did what my doctor had me do (staying on birth control through the insertion). I somewhat suspect that the reason cramps didn’t last long for me was staying on birth control. I don’t know the science behind that, so I may be completely off base. Again, talk to your provider about what is best for you.
Since getting an IUD, my body has leveled to it’s own. My testosterone levels are high again, which means I have some extra acne and facial hair. I use a topical medicine for the acne and I flaunt my boi-beard. I have noticed a bit of weight gain, but that has more to do with depression and eating habits than with my hormones. My moods have mostly stabilized with time and therapy. I even stopped having periods at all, which is common enough with IUDs (about 1 in 5 according to my gynecologist).
Overall, my birth control was preventing my body from being androgynous, which was great when I wanted so badly to be a better female. But now that I’ve found my gender-fluid identity, I’m more than happy that my body runs wild. It always surprises me; these little ways that the universe always knew what I was and I never did.

Being "Good For You" and "Good To You" are Different Things

Not a review! Op ed pieces don’t have ratings from me!
So I am currently post-break-up with my longest-term partner, and I’m in a lot of pain and self-reflection. In the middle of one long conversation late at night, I had a revelation about my life and the folx who come through as partners.
My mother has often said “If you find someone who is good to you, don’t let them go because that’s rare.” I have a lot of issues with this. For one, I have had many many partners and people be really good to me. It’s hard NOT to be good to me, so why does my mother find it so rare? But the more important question is: What constitutes “good to you?”
I have experienced a few partners in my time, and they covered the spectrum. So I’m going to show you a new idea: Being “good to you” and being “good for you” are very different. And they are both important.
What is Good to You?
My first ex (let’s call him Ex A) was someone who did not make time in his schedule for me. Here are other examples of what our relationship was like:

  • I would hear from him once a week if I was lucky.
  • About a month before we broke, he got mad because I told two of his friends we were dating. (He was worried that he would be called “a breeder.” I can’t believe I didn’t break it off then, because I felt so awful about myself. He was ashamed to get me. ME.)
  • I always had to visit him and not the other way around. (We lived five states away, so this is no joke.)
  • He told me multiple times that he would pay me back, or pay for dinner and then never had the money for it.
  • Had little or no sympathy for my sadness and lonely feelings.

This ex was not good to me at all. Ex B who WAS good to me acted more like this:

  • Supportive when I cried, expressed sadness or otherwise doubted the status of my life
  • Supportive when I was mad, overwhelmed or otherwise doubted the okay-ness of my life.
  • Paid for things equally whenever possible, and paid for extra things when I needed it.
  • Helped with housework when I asked.
  • Listened and made an effort to change when I felt unappreciated.

Being good to you is something that is measured in small, everyday things that get overlooked when someone thinks about partnership. It’s a general feeling of wanting to help and care on a daily basis.
Sand Equation
So what is Good for You?
Let’s use examples again. I find they are the best way to illustrate these concepts.
So I had an ex (we’ll say Ex 1) that was good for me. He looked like this:

  • Pushed me to get my career on track.
  • Lived in an exciting place by his choice and on his dime.
  • Didn’t take my bullshit when I tried to throw it.
  • Happy to share opinions and suggestions with me, either about his life or mine.
  • Didn’t lay all his problems on me and ask me to fix them.

And I had an ex (Ex 2) who was not good for me. He looked like this:

  • Never pushed himself towards a goal.
  • Happy to stay in one place unless pushed by someone or something else.
  • Rarely had suggestions. About activities or life. Let me lead every conversation, big or small.
  • Not strongly opinionated, happy to go with the flow.
  • Got frustrated easily over small things and make large impulsive decisions to counter them.
  • Often didn’t prevent small issues from popping up through lack of foresight.

I’d like to play a game. Of these two situations, is Ex A (bad to me) Ex 1 or 2? Ex B (good to me)?
Well, it’s designed to trick you. Ex A and Ex 1 are the same person. This ex was awful to me on a personal level. He lied often and didn’t respect me as a human. Here is how it felt to me: His confusion about his sexual orientation (mostly gay) was thrown off by my gender identity (at the time). This confusion in him (plus our being poorly matched on a lot of other things) made him not good to me. However, his employment and living situation was really under his control, if a bit tight on money. That inspired me to do the same. I pursued my career more vehemently and got my feet under me, financially speaking. I owe him a lot of good in the broad strokes of my life. And I owe him a lot of bad, because his actions spurred a great deal of my second-guessing and self-esteem issues.
On the other side of that, Ex B and Ex 2 are the same person. He took care of me when I presented a problem. Sometimes he could anticipate when I was sad, and did nice things for me. He was really open about communication. He texted me Good morning and Good night every day. In short, he thought about me a lot. And when it came to his life, he thought about me too. His decisions were always to impress me. He came to me for lists of ways to improve. In a lot of ways, I felt like a therapist, and a mother figure. It was great for a long time, and then I was tired of making decisions for two people, and I needed to end it. He was great to me, but he wasn’t good for me.
Being good for someone is hard. It really involves more focus on yourself so that they don’t have to focus on you. It’s less of entwining your lives together and more spending time together. Fixing problems from one side is done by that side. Problems that come up on both are tackled evenly. When you hold yourself to a standard, you’re holding them to a standard and vice versa. When all of this happens, you are good for someone.
Being good to someone is as easy as being smitten. Think about them often. Notice the things that change each day. Did their patterns shift? That might mean something is wrong. Did they say the same thing, but in a different way than usual? That’s another indication. Make sure you pull your weight on daily interactions. Do they text you more than you text them? Either step it up, or break it up, because being evenly matched is important.
Divorce paper
“Not Good for You” is NOT the Same as “Bad for You”
This is really important to me. I want to differentiate between experiences that don’t help you and experiences that actively harm you. What is the difference and how can it change your decision to stay or leave? Ex B was in no way a bad influence on me. He didn’t impair my life in great big ways or discourage me from my career and efforts. He tried to do everything for me, and it was just exhausting to make all the standards. But he was NOT bad for me.
So what is Bad for You, if it isn’t the same as Not Good for You?

  • Discouraging your self-improvement.
  • Contradicting your self-knowledge.
  • Abusive in ANY way.
  • Holding you back/impairing your progress in life (on accident or on purpose).
  • Competition mindset.

So there’s a few things I want to address here. I am not a victim of abuse in a relationship. I have experienced parental abuse, but no other kinds. I would speak on it more, but I don’t know it, even from an academic stance, so I won’t address it further.
There is a difference between wanting to be good for your partner and wanting to be good enough. If you struggle to be good for your partner, it implies that you are improving yourself and finding ways that you can make life better. Being good enough for a partner implies that your accomplishments up to this point aren’t good enough. They are. You are good enough. That should be assumed. If there is a question, it’s time to work on yourself. Your partner will have a hard time helping you accept yourself.
I also want to talk about Competition in relationships. When I saw what a partner had (like their own place), I realized that I wanted it too. However, I didn’t want THEIR place. I didn’t want a place that was BETTER than theirs. And I did not think to myself “I will earn my place MORE than they earned theirs.” I said “This is nice. I want a place that’s good for me.” If you go in trying to one-up your partner, you will create a bad atmosphere, and often, it’s tied to a need to be good enough. Again, work on yourself. It will do wonders for your mindset.
The Successful Relationship
When I look at successful couples, I notice that they challenge each other. I’ve watched two people push each other through school when things got hard. I have seen a very successful couple fight about a comment that was not appropriate, and the one who made the comment accepted the education they received. Respect is held on both sides of the relationship. There are standards held for themselves and their partners. Their own standards are always more important (and usually higher). There is an equal desire to spend time together. I have watched successful couples look at each other and strive to be good enough for one another, without judgement or self-depreciation.
It’s possible to achieve successful relationships regardless of any mental health factors. It requires communication and a desire to connect. But if you want to achieve and maintain a relationship, be open to some suggestions. If you aren’t helping yourself, or actively rejecting the help of others, your partner won’t be able to help you, and it gets exhausting. So listen to how they feel. You may not realize what you are doing. That’s okay. Help can start anywhere, including in ignorance.

Indigo is Fat.

15 out of 10. Fat is great.
Also, being your own weight is 15 out of 10. You’re fantastic as you are.
Pairs well with whatever kind of drink you want. I support your life choices, as long as you support mine.
Content Warning: Disordered Eating, Ableist and Fatphobic slurs at a child. 
At Woodhull, I attended a panel called “Health at Every Size,” which addressed fatphobia in the sex industry (as it is in all industries). The room was filled with folks assigned female at birth, and 2-3 cis men. We were invited to share our experiences of when we first felt our bodies were wrong.
Now, I want to address disabilities before I go on. No one in that room spoke to disabilities. The speaker was not disabled, and so did not feel qualified to address it. Though that is a conversation that needs to be had, it was not the focus of this room. I have no disabilities, so I cannot speak to that issue, and would not presume to do so. 
So many folks raised their hands and had a story that involved a parent or a family member. So many folks had stories about friends. Not one person who shared a story mentioned being over the age of 14. The youngest was five. I’m not a scientist. This was not a scientific study. But if you put 30 folks in a room and they have stories from 5 to 14, I believe that’s called a depressing range. The average age of “feeling fat” for the first time was 9. That means that nine-year-olds across this country are being socialized to hate themselves.
I will tell my story. At the age of 9, I was in my fourth grade classroom and I scratched my stomach. It raised my shirt a little and a classmate saw it. I felt her judgement from that moment, but it was ignored politely and we moved on. Later that day, another classmate came up and said “I heard Human A saw that you pulled up your shirt and there was just fat.” There was such clear disgust in her voice, and I suddenly realized: I am fat. And because of that, I am morally less than everyone else. I lied about the whole thing, and I didn’t make eye contact with my peers for a week. One full week of isolating myself because I was fat. Let me remind you again: I was nine. years. old.
This story was repeated in various ways around the room. “My parents,” “my sister,” “my friends,” “my loved ones.” All of us feeling in our bones the crushing weight of our scales.
One Christmas break, I spent a week not eating. When I was hungry, I would drink a bottle of water and play an exercise-based game. I lost 10 pounds in that week. I was cold for a month after and I shook constantly. With no one around to help me, I was taking my health and throwing it away. Until last year, I would have told you it was the best week of my life. Because I had will power for one whole week. I lost weight for one whole week. I wasn’t willfully fat for one whole week.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to care. I can’t tell you how or why. I don’t really have a life-changing moment. But I know that it was fucking hard. I felt like I was giving up something important. I felt like I was playing into the hands of a devil. I felt like accepting my body made me a bad person because I was fat. In our society, being fat (or okay with fat) is ethically wrong. I scrambled to please my mother, who still thinks I’m a crazy fat idiot. And the memory of my long-dead father, who I can still remember yelling at 6-year old Indy for eating food.
Somewhere, I actually turned my self-hatred outward and lashed out at someone I loved. For fuck’s SAKE, fat folx and everyone around them suffer because of this. We are all of us suffering in silence on this.
I told you all of this because there are very real and wide-spread consequences from fatphobia. 
For the last year, I’ve been doing great. My self-esteem is really on the mend, and my dashing boyfriend is only supportive, even on my worst, lashing days. And yet, I can still be triggered. One day, my friend Neil, needed to go to a dance for his work. He did not fit into his dressy vest because some stress at work had helped him gain weight. (Thanks for looking out for us, biology!) He threw a fit, which involved flinging the vest onto the couch near his girlfriend and not having a good time at all. Not because he had to change his outfit or he really didn’t have the money to buy a new vest. The whole episode began and ended with “I am fatter than before, and I hate my body.”
This episode brought out my anger because all of my youth and worry and stress came flooding back to me. After a year of being mentally stable, I spent the next week stressed and having suicidal thoughts because of my weight. He hated his body.  Why wouldn’t he hate mine, or my boyfriend’s? We are fat and we don’t care to change it. How many other people did I know who think this way? Does everyone judge me when I’m not around?
I want to make one thing really clear for every thin, fat, in-between person out there: Your body positivity is my body positivity. Your body positivity is my body positivity. Your body positivity is my body positivity. Your body positivity is my body positivity.
When you look at yourself and say “Ugh, this muffin top is so awful,” and you work out to get rid of your fat and you eat so healthy, how should I feel? You hate your own body. How do you feel about mine? I’m not even trying to get rid of my fat. I love it. I grew it myself. Some people reply “Well, you carry it better.” Bitch, I didn’t train to carry these fat rolls. It’s not a matter of being “better at fat.” I am not any better than you at being fat. You know what I am? Pissed that you think luck or genetics helped me “pull off the fat look.” There is no such thing.
On top of that, if someone you know has no idea what body positive means, how will they get a healthy idea of it from you? When you judge your body and still call yourself body positive, you are turning into a shadow of what we need it to be, if not an outright joke.
And I get it. We all have those demons socialized into us. Sometimes, we look in the mirror and hate our bodies. That’s okay! Trying to do more things, be fit, eat healthy or stay in one size pants to save money is totally awesome! But if you constantly worry about calories or go to the gym based on being thinner than you are now (and nothing else), then you’re not even trying to accept your body.
To be honest, I haven’t even started on all my emotions with this subject. So let me leave you with some thoughts:

  • If you say to someone, “I need to lose weight,” you’re telling folx that you see yourself as less for having fat on your body. Therefore, all who are fat are less.
  • If you think that losing weight is “bettering yourself,” you aren’t body positive. Fuck off.
  • If you think that exercising with the goal of making yourself smaller is good, you aren’t body positive. Move out my way.
  • And if you think that it’s okay for others to be fat but not you, you are not body positive and I need you to drop that label so the rest of us can pick it up and do what’s right by it.


How to Take Care of Your Pet Blogger During Con-Drop

Hi folks! This is definitely not a routine post for me. (There are no review numbers, so obviously, Indigo. Thanks for the warning?) But I did not have a routine week this week. In fact, I  took my routine, crumpled it into a ball, set it on fire and threw it under a bus.
This week, I went to Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit here in D.C. I had the best time hanging out with ALL THE COOL BLOGGERS. I do in fact have so much to say that I will be writing a really long post about it in the next few days. But that’s not what I’m writing today. Today, I will be writing about con-drop, which is very real and very hard.
But what is Con-Crop?
See, here’s what happens. When you send your blogger off to a con like Woodhull, they get to meet and interact with a lot of folks just like them; passionate about sex, sexuality and all these other things that may or may not come up in their lives at home. Sometimes, they play with others, and sometimes they don’t. But either way, they are where they want to be for that weekend, and making a difference in the world. When your blogger comes home to you, they seem sad, though. Why? Well, that’s con-drop.
Coming from that environment into daily life again is very hard. You have to retrain yourself to talk to folks who might not interact with fisting, sounding or pegging as words or concepts. You have to rein in your enthusiasm again to prevent people from staring at you in the supermarket. Additionally, you won’t see a lot of your favorite folks until next year, when Woodhull happens again. (Unless you schedule something specifically, and then will everyone be able to make it?) Coming home also means going back to work, doing laundry and generally not being able to hang out in a blogger lounge and watch folks laugh about obscene things.
So what can you do to help your pet blogger recover from Con-Drop? Well, I call this reCONvery, and I’m here to help.
ReCONvery 101
First, be prepared for the return of your blogger. Make sure the bed is made, and the water is hot for a shower. It’s important that they shower because con germs can spread quickly. If they have clothes for the next day, great! Otherwise, you may have to put a few items in the wash for them. It’s so helpful to have that done when they wake up for the next day.
Make sure your blogger is eating, and eating well. Sometimes, the con is too much and the eating schedule is off. Make sure that your blogger has access to food, and good food at that nourishes them. Things that replenish electrolytes such as pickles are good. Otherwise, burgers and salt can be really useful for that. If your blogger is vegetarian or vegan, I recommend having some bread and hummus for protein and carbs. Be sure to touch base with them about whether they’ve eaten. It can be hard to remember in the midst of con-drop.
Talk to your blogger. They have a lot to process right now. They may have just done a really great spanking scene, or maybe they just feel so much impostor syndrome that they just can’t even. Find out what they are feeling and truly sympathize. It’s hard to feel like a good blogger and advocate when there are SO MANY good ones out there.
I also want to note that if your blogger is out-peopled, they may not want to talk. That’s okay too! Follow their tweets. They may be able to communicate their emotions better that way. Give them space and let them come to you. A scared blogger is a walled-off blogger.
Touch your blogger, or not. Sometimes. your blogger may need to feel some physical aftercare. It was an intimate and emotional weekend for everyone, even if they didn’t go to any parties. Be attentive to your blogger feeling lost and needing a grounding hug, or feeling over-touched and just needing a hand holding (or less!). Be prepared for petting your blogger when they revert to a catatonic state. Turning them towards the sun and watering periodically can also be useful here.
If your blogger is an introvert, consider sitting in the same room with them and simply working or playing a game. Then you can be there if they want you, or you leave them alone if they don’t want you.
If your blogger is an extrovert, find some good friends who they trust and plan some easy outings. A simple cup of coffee with a friend can help them regain energy in a more everyday setting, which is helpful for the transition into daily life. If some con-drop feelings surface, they are with someone trust-worthy.
Make sure your blogger has a comforting thing. Oreos are a great source of chocolate. If your blogger is vegan, Oreos are too. Make sure your blogger has Oreos. 
Make sure you have vitamin C on hand. Your blogger just spent a few days in a hotel with a lot of people. Con-flu is not just an occurrence. It’s extremely common. Fluids, vitamin C and some congestion medicine is helpful to deal with the fall-out of con-petri-dish.
*If you are long distance, be sure that your blogger has everything they need locally and check in more often than the average human.
In general, listen and be attentive to your blogger. They may have really unique needs that I can’t cover here. You know them well, so I know you’ll do fine. With a little time and love, your blogger will recover and be back to their typical selves. That is, they will be planning for the next con eagerly.