Indigo Explores Fantasies

10 out of 10

Pairs nicely with top shelf vodka. It can be added to anything to create some extra fun, with no extra flavor unless you want it.

Recently, I’ve been caught up in Fantasies. Not just daydreams about having enough money to pay my bills. I mean sexual fantasies. I haven’t had access to my usual partners for a long time now, and fantasies are the only way I can release my sexual needs. In addition to that coping, I have been working on some fantasy-themed erotica recently, which really fueled my focus on dragon dicks and swords.

Fantasies are a huge part of sexuality for many people. When I work with couples, I often have them share their fantasies with each other to help spark some conversation. When I am on a date for the first time, it’s common for both myself and my potential partner to share fantasies. It not only speaks to our compatibility, but it also can spark some heavy petting. I even know a few people who require fantasies in their sex lives in order to climax. All of these are really great ways to use fantasies. And that list isn’t comprehensive in any sense!

The one thing that I always struggle with is how to incorporate fantasies into a physical space. It’s easy to get off while thinking about being pounded by multiple dicks. However, what can you do if all you have is one partner? What can you do if you have no factory-installed dicks? What if you can’t penetrate your partner for whatever reason?

Well there are some amazing products out there that can help with any of these situations! I exercised my brain to come up with easy solutions for these problems! Then I decided to sit and think some more, and I came up with even more ways to fulfill fantasies using toys!

Dildos are a great way to solve a few of these problems. If you need an extra dick on hand, there’s a dildo that will probably fit. The realistic ones are amazing if you need something that is visually compelling. Something with a suction cup base can be attached to a wall or a floor, leaving hands free for other activities. Personally, I’ve used dildos for duel penetration on a couple of occasions. I have even paired them with my partner’s penis for an extra stretch in my vagina.

If you’re looking for some gender altering, there are harnesses that can be paired with dildos to help give you or your partner good gender feels. I have experienced receiving a blow job with a strapless strap on, which was an amazing experience. Because there is a section of the toy inserted into whoever uses it, you can stimulate their hole by pulling the dildo (with your mouth or a hand), which felt amazing for me! Your mileage may vary of course, but I would recommend it for a fun try. If you find these are unstable once inserted, don’t be afraid to slip a harness over it just to help keep it stable in use.

What if you can’t penetrate or be penetrated by your partner? Using a stroker or masturbator while your partner watches, helps or positions themselves close can be a ton of fun. In the past I’ve laid a stroker on my back, just above my ass. It allowed my partner to visualize fucking me without actually penetrating me. However, with something short enough, it’s also possible to use it as a aid. It gives the feeling of being deep throated without actually straining anyone’s throat.

My personal favorite fantasy is getting fucked in the cunt while someone rims me. I am aware that I have a lot of butt, and achieving that would require a tricky angle to say the least. Also, having more than one partner present at a time can be hard to work out! There is one main toy to help me create a close facsimile of this fantasy. The BVibe Rimming plug. It is small enough that it doesn’t need to be angled specifically and I can even use it while lying down if my legs have decided to cramp that day.

Sometimes, toys need to be controlled by the person being penetrated! That means their hands aren’t free. This is where extra toys can come in handy! Vibrators that can be worn or controlled via remote, free hands for dildos or other exciting activities. And if you’re looking for a bit more stimulation in general, I’ve seen some people who use a vibe in each hand to fulfill a fantasy. For those times when you both want to orgasm, you can use a vibe that is strong enough to get off two people at once!

And of course, there are toys which help truly fantastical ideas come to life. Tentacled monsters and unicorns may not be found in the wild (yet), but they are extremely common in fantasies. There are a plenty of toys that feature high-fantasy creatures. These can be used in harnesses, with hands, next to factory-installed penises, and probably a myriad of ways I haven’t thought of.

Toys that augment or add to penises, or create a role play which involves some beautiful monsters. There are sleeves, which are easy to wear and use (and still feel amazing). These can lengthen or wide a penis. I know this can injure the pride of some people, but it doesn’t need to. It’s just another way to enjoy a sexual interaction. Besides, why would you deny your partner something that feels good?

All of these fantasies revolve around people and things being hard to position. However, there are other important reasons someone might need a fantasy. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention issues around sexual trauma, or general discomfort with genitalia. Sometimes, having a realistic dildo doesn’t work for people. That’s really valid. For those folks, there are non-realistic dildos. These toys can help those who don’t like genitalia continue to access their sexual well-being!

As you can see, there are a million and one ways to fulfill fantasies. Sometimes, those ways involve other people, or more people. But sometimes, those ways can be as easy as one more toy in the bedroom. This list is not comprehensive in any way. If I’ve forgotten to include your favorite fantasy, let me know!

This post was sponsored by the wonderful folks at Betty’s Toybox. Thank you folks for letting me work my brain to create some truly fun ideas with sex toys!

Indigo Tries the Fantasy Uncut from Addiction

8 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a Screwdriver. It is a typical introduction drink for someone who wants to enjoy hard liquor but doesn’t know exactly what they like.

The Fantasy Uncut from Addition is sitting on a flagstone floor with a flag behind it. There's a welsh dragon on the flag. The toy is bright pink with some ridges down the shaft and a small head that mimics an uncircumcised penis, but if it was possibly part lizard.

This toy was sent to me by my friends at Betty’s Toybox. It can be purchased here in pink or here in black for about $33 (USD) at time of posting.

For some reason, I have been obsessed with fantasy toys and associated fantasies recently. I have be craving dragon dildos and tentacles in my cunt. I can only attribute this to my recent jaunt into a Dungeons and Dragons game, which has been a ton of fun, and inspired some erotica that is still in the works.

That obsession is what led me to request this dildo, though it is not something I would normally ask for. From the bright-ass pink color, to the soft silicone, it’s not really an Indigo-coveted item. However, because I’ve been looking for a model for some erotica that has been almost a year in the writing, I was actually excited to have this dildo. I was hoping that it would feel amazing, and I could picture it when I was writing a specific character. I think my excitement was also strong because I feel some of the toys I’ve been reviewing recently are somewhat simple (with notable exceptions). They have been bullets, or smooth dildos. This toy offered something that I have been missing: texture.

As I said, I was on the fence about this color when I requested the toy. When I was searching for toys to request, I saw the bright pink and almost skipped it. However, I have to admit that something about a bright pink dragon dick became alluring as I thought about it. I almost built a little character into it. I imagine this is the dick that some girl dragon has. It expresses her femininity and love of her own body. She is proud to have such a cute little appendage to fuck with. And it’s bright pink! When I attributed some character to it, I was actually pleased with the color. I expect that other people will ignore that part of this review. After all, I typically don’t enjoy personifying my toys. However, I think that it was worth mentioning because there are just some instances where toys want personality in order to be enjoyed. And honestly, I probably would have enjoyed this toy regardless of that little fantasy. However, I enjoy it more for the over-active imagination I poured into it.

Since the aesthetic of this toy was more important to me than the size, I didn’t pay much attention to the width and girth of the toy. However, I was pleasantly surprised when it arrived. Though it’s easy for me, as size royalty to take, it does still provide some girth at 1.75″ in diameter. This is a strong selling point for me. I prefer dildos to have some kick in terms of girth, but accessible to other people. Something 2.5-3″ in diameter is nice for me, but isn’t nice for others. Additionally, the length is easy to take as well, at only 5.5″ to insert. It’s truly an unassuming dildo that way. The addition of testicles means that this toy fits comfortably and sits stable in a harness. This opens the door for a lot of fantasy play and other role play.

The feel of the silicone is also an important note for this toy. That texture could make it difficult for some folks to enjoy. However, the silicone has a lot of give to it. Because of that, it’s really easy to handle. When I used it, I could tell it was textured, but I couldn’t really tell what type of texture it had. If you hate texture, this isn’t the toy for you, but if you sometimes enjoy texture, it’s definitely worth giving it a try.

In a world with giant fantasy dicks, it can be intimidating to purchase something that is big. Companies like Bad Dragon really show off their giant dildos and never really focus on the small ones. I have seen many of those displayed. It’s either a point of pride to own something that large, or to take something that large. In that type of world, this toy feels especially important. It’s an accessible price range for a pure silicone toy, that can be used to explore more fantasy toys and play, without having to be a size lover.

When I use this toy, it doesn’t set off fireworks. I find it to be average in size and texture. It’s easy to clean in spite of the texture because it’s so soft. I have a lot of fantasies about this toy in terms of aesthetic. I can absolutely see myself using it in a harness if I wanted a blow job. I would love to wear it with some of my renaissance garb and really lean into the Dungeons and Dragons aesthetic. In reality, I really can judge this toy by it’s appearance.

Overall, I find this toy to be serviceable. I was won over by the aesthetic, but as I wrote this post, I began to realize just how nice this toy is. It is a middle of the road option between a plain, non-phallic dildo and something like a Bad Dragon toy. And I mean that in terms of feeling, size, use and price.

This toy was sent to me by my friends at Betty’s Toybox. It can be purchased here for about $33 (USD) at time of posting.

Indigo Tries The Realm by Blush

10 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a nice Mead. It’s sweet and it is amazing to look at. It also comes with a very specific type of feeling. Period.

The Realm handle is attached to the Draken attachment. It looks like a sword with a golden hilt, and the "blade" section is a navy blue dildo with a lot of bumps and ridges. They sit on a rock with a realistic attachment next to them. In the rock is a fake sword, which mimics the idea of the Sword in the Stone.

This toy was sent to me very kindly by my friends at Shevibe. You can find the handle here, the dildo attachments in Draken, 7 inches, 7.5 inches, and 8 inches.

My dearest readers. Never has there been a toy that is so suited to my aesthetic so perfectly. This toy (or set of toys) is in the shape of a dildo sword. You heard me right, it is in fact a sword that is a dildo. It’s perfect for Dungeons and Dragons hi-jinks. It’s made for murder in the Shakespearean sense. It is a hilarious gag to share with my renaissance friends.

As soon as the release for the Realm series was announced, I jumped on the opportunity. I tweeted loudly about it, and it paid off. (Perhaps the pen isn’t mightier than the sword, but it is at least as mighty.) About a month before finals, I was sent this toy as a special offer from the amazing folks at Shevibe. I was so excited for this toy that I brought it out the next time my partner was over. I showed it off with a lot of enthusiasm. We laughed about it, and made strong plans to use it in the very near future.

Then, the semester took a left turn. My life became hectic. My relationship became strained. I would look at these toys, and I would sigh, wishing I had the energy to test them. I would feel guilty about the testing going so slowly. I would glance over the nooks an crannies, and then move to the next toy. It would be a hassle to clean. It wouldn’t be worth getting out the two items (dildo and handle).

So this beautiful, amazing sword sat in the corner of my room, glaring at me, making me feel guilty. I kept telling myself to test it before I went on the road. I knew it would be even more work when I was living in my car, or in a tent. Alas, even my own guilt trip did nothing to move along the testing, and suddenly, it was time to leave. I gathered the handle and attachable dildos to bring along. I was fairly convinced I would have a hard time using them.

Reader, I am glad to say I was wrong. Within 72 hours of leaving home, I was in the middle of a threesome. I didn’t bring so many dildos to choose from, and this one featured a handle, so I decided that someone else would get to have the inaugural use of this toy. Thanks to that decision, it really became clear to me why this toy is incredibly useful, as well as visually striking. I began to use this on one of the folks involved. The second-person use, and the giant handle meant that there was plenty of thrusting leverage on another person. Not only was thrusting easier in general, but it provided several angles for my arm to sit at so I could have approached this from a few angles.

It was about the 10 minute mark that I realized my arm was going a little numb. The repetitive motion of fucking someone for a solid 10 minutes caught up with me. I switched hands for awhile. It was a little harder to get the right angles with my non-dominant left hand. But it has more strength, so I could keep the motion going for a longer time. I have rarely had so much fun fucking someone, I have to be honest. After pulling the sword from the hoe (instead of the stone, get it?), I was delighted to have a new favorite sex party toy.

The handle for this dildo sword is made out of a plastic that fits the look of a sword hilt perfectly. The dildos are separate pieces made from silicone. There are three options for realistic dildos (7 inches, 7.5 inches and 8 inches), if that is what you want. However, there is also one option for a dragon-style (read: non-realistic) dildo, called the Draken. I of course opted for the dragon one immediately (and then chose between the realistic ones based on size). I found that the Draken matched the aesthetic of the hilt in a way the realistic dildos did not. Don’t get me wrong. The realistic options fit well on the hilt, and provide something really great. But for me, there is something jarring about a dick just…attached to a golden hilt. Besides, I find the Draken to be incredibly fun both as a concept and as a toy. It’s my usual choice of dildo to use with the handle, but I like having the realistic one to choose when I need something visually stimulating to fuck with.

These dildo options (or dildoptions, if you will) attach to the sword through some patented vac-u-lock magic. In fact, the attachments are so strong, they recommend using lube or corn starch in the attachment to ensure they come apart. Reader, please listen to this recommendation. I did not make the mistake of ignoring this. However, I have used this connection with lube, I still have to pull a good bit before detaching the dildo from the hilt. I can’t imagine what it would be like without the lube.

Since my first use of this toy was with someone else, I have to admit there was something lost when I used it on myself. There just isn’t that same power, that angle, that view when you’re using this toy on yourself. Since I’m fat and my torso isn’t as flexible as my hips, it was hard to see the sword in all it’s glory during masturbation. Basically, it loses some of it’s effect in the translation to masturbation.

However, what visual effect is lost gets made up for by the amazing feel of Draken. We all know I’m love a good texture. However, something like the textured silicone, which is paired with a significant amount of texture in the mold itself? What a beautiful combination. I used this toy for no more than four minutes before having an amazing orgasm. On top of that, I was so turned on by the texture, I immediately turned around and used it again. I have a feeling that I probably could have kept that up for a long time. However, the rain was letting up, which meant the sound cover in my tent was no longer available, so I stopped. Instead, I used the realistic dildo for a bit. It was good, but felt a little plain for me. I don’t really know what else to write about the realistic one I have (which is the 7.5″ version), so I’ll probably just leave it there.

The Realm collection sits on the same rock with the sword "stuck" in it. The light makes it look magical. They happen to be sitting so that the realistic attachment can be viewed a little easier.So the question I wanted to answer the most about this toy is “Does the handle help the angle for masturbation?” Also phrased as “Would this toy be a good option for someone with say, arthritis?” I do have some wrist issues (which by and large get ignored because I live on my computer and often use sex toys, so whatever). However, I couldn’t say with 100% certainty either way on this question. In some ways, having the extra length was helpful for me. I had a bit more to grab on to. However, since that length is straight out (not curved up), I wouldn’t say the handle saves my wrists from strain entirely. Instead, I hold the hilt and that extra bit gives me some minor amount of leverage which makes it easier to thrust. So I suppose the answer is yes, but not in the way you think.

The last note that I have to make is a bit of a downside. Wow, there are a lot of nooks and crannies in this toy. Be prepared to sacrifice a toothbrush to two just to clean this bad by. The realistic ones dildo attachments aren’t so bad, but the Draken really stubbornly holds on to that vaginal fluid. Additionally, if you are using this on someone who squirts, the details in the handle will likely hold some fluids as well. It took multiple washes and a detailed eye to get everything off of handle and attachment.

In all honesty, I absolutely love this toy. I plan on using it often for the visual effect of it. However, masturbation isn’t the number one use I would choose for this toy. It really is something I’ll bring out for my partners to use on me, and for play parties, where I get to witness it’s use from a third (or at least second) person perspective.

This toy was sent to me very kindly by my friends at Shevibe. You can find the handle here, the dildo attachments in Draken, 7 inches, 7.5 inches, and 8 inches.

Indigo Tries the Gaia Biodegradable Bullet from Blush Novelties!

7.5 out of 10

Pairs nicely with a Yuengling. It doesn’t get one overly-excited, but it helps one blend in while meeting expectations, without any fancy bells or whistles. 

This toy was sent to me by my good friends at Betty’s Toybox in exchange for this fair review. You can purchase it here in Green, Blue or Pink. If you prefer something bigger, the larger, straight vibrators are here.

There is a branch of a tree with a bend. The Gaia Bullet is sitting in that bend, precariously balanced. It is green, about three inches long and a half inch in diameter.

This toy is a bit of a deviation from my usual repertoire. I have reviewed a bullet vibrator before, but I haven’t since acquiring my Doxy wands. I tend to go for stronger vibrators these days, with a lot of surface area and a whole lot of power. It might make one wonder why I would actively choose to review a bullet vibe that takes an AAA battery instead of something powerful.

Well, there are two answers. First of all, I’m traveling. I don’t have consistent access to outlets. Therefore, charging isn’t something I can do for toys that I actively want to use on myself. The option to acquire power for a toy that I’m testing wasn’t solid enough to choose a rechargeable vibrator. So I went to the store and bought some batteries for this toy.

However, since I am traveling through some wilderness, I decided that the environment was going to be the theme of this review. What better way to match that, than to review the first biodegradable bullet vibe? It even comes in eco-green!

So what does that mean? Are most vibes not biodegradable?

Yes, actually. Most electronics are not considered biodegradable. There are special places that help folks dispose of electronic trash. Think about the bins in the front of Best Buy that you can dump cell phones in. Additionally, the cases of vibrators that are made out of oil-based plastic (which is most plastic) are not biodegradable in a natural environment. The gaia line is looking to change this trend, and they boast of being biodegradable, and easy to dispose of.

However, I find this advertising a little misleading. The case of this vibrator is biodegradable, being made out of a starch-based plastic. This means it will actually break down through natural processes. However, the electronic components still make it a rough thing to just toss in the recycle bin or trash. It’s better to take it to a processing plant because of it’s electronic components. It says this on the box, but not anywhere in the web-based information. So though it can be recycled, it’s still a better idea to take that extra step. Because of this, I find the advertisement a bit optimistic in it’s portrayal. It made me think that I could just pitch this in with my single-stream recycling, but it’s really not recommended. That said, I am grateful this vibrator exists. It is better to have made this step than to just keep creating plastic vibrators. My only question: Why aren’t more vibrators using this material since it’s so much better?

I understand that capitalism exists, but it feels to me like if we care about the environment enough to create a biodegradable, body-safe material for sex toys, we should endeavor to use it for most sex toys, if not all of them?Besides, this material seems inexpensive, since this vibrator itself is so inexpensive. The larger, straight vibes in the Gaia line are just as low-cost, which indicates that the material itself is inexpensive to make. If that’s true, then it should be pervading the market for multiple reasons, wouldn’t you think? I don’t blame Blush Novelties in the slightest for this, obviously. They are absolutely working for the greater good, in my view.

Anyway, so now we know why I chose this. And we know what it’s made out of. And we know how I feel about the marketing. How is the vibe itself?

It’s a very simple vibrator. It has two speeds; on and off. I also lovingly call them 100% and 0%. Personally, I love the simplicity that this brings. It makes it perfect for discretion and travelling. It turns off with one click and can be spirited away when someone walks into your room at the hostel room, or past your tent suddenly. This helps maintain discretion and consent when you need to get off while traveling. It doesn’t even have a light to indicate it’s on, which helps make it even more discrete. On top of the easy operation, it’s quiet. This is absolutely a key component to the rating that I gave this toy. In the years of living in my childhood home, quietly getting off, I am delighted to have a vibrator that is almost as quiet as me.

As for power, this vibe is not spectacular. It’s a little buzzy for my personal taste. However, I am also not necessarily disappointed in it. It simply met, but did not exceed expectations. Those expectations are, of course, built around knowing it’s a bullet vibe that runs off a AAA battery. I find that it takes me a little longer to get off with this vibe than with my Fun Factory vibes, for instance. However, with travel being such a stress, it feels so much easier to use this vibe than something louder with more rumble.

This vibe isn’t going to win awards from my clit, I’ll be honest. In a situation where I’m at home with a full selection of toys in front of me, I will choose a good number of other toys first. However, as a travel vibrator, and a purchase in general, this is a solid bullet vibrator. Seeing as it’s low-cost and environmentally friendly, I can recommend this vibrator for a lot of people.

The Gaia Bullet sits on the ground, half in some taller grass. It is cast in a great light with some nice shadows from the grasses falling into the shot. It is very outdoors feeling.

This toy was sent to me by my good friends at Betty’s Toybox in exchange for this fair review. You can purchase it here in Green, Blue or Pink. If you prefer something bigger, the larger, straight vibrators are here.

Indigo Talks Relationships Part 2: Mom

This is a personal essay, so there will not be a rating. This is a continuation of the series Indigo Talks Relationships, centered around non-romantic relationships in my life. The first installment can be found here.

I haven’t been shy about admitting that my relationship with my mother is…frayed. To put it nicely, we don’t understand one another very well. It has come up on Twitter, where I have received some resounding support and love from people around me. These days, my mother an I are working to get closer. She’s made a few strides. However, it took over a decade, and she can still hurt me with a sentence when I’m not careful around her.

My mother is a baby boomer that is drowning in privilege she cannot see. If she read this, she would laugh out loud. She is white, cisgender, and fairly well-off. She could afford to go to college and get a degree. She worked for the government and can now afford to be retired. She isn’t great with money, but her privilege helps her keep the debt down somewhat. In addition to these privileges which she still holds, she was pretty in her young age. I believe she still is, but she wouldn’t and she has lost some of that privilege with age (because we largely don’t value older beauty in our society). My mother can’t see these privilege because she’s had a lot of hardship in her life. This included two abusive husbands, and a family that had too many kids. There are more, I’m sure. However, my mother protects herself by not talking about these things. So I couldn’t expand upon them, even if it was my story to tell. 

From a young age, I saw how unhappy my mother was. She didn’t like her husband. He was emotionally abusive to her and her children. Despite that, I know she loved him because she felt truly lost when he died. I know that wasn’t easy on her, and I don’t want to hold things against her regarding my father’s death. She didn’t like her job. She wanted to be an artist, but felt that she couldn’t because she got married and had kids instead. Hell, it sometimes felt like she didn’t like her own kids. When I watched my mother be sad or angry about her life, I decided that I never wanted to do that. I made the decision to stubbornly pursue what I wanted. I have created a strong mentality that is focused on changing absolutely everything I can which makes me unhappy. I understand that my mother made decisions around her children, and she stayed with my father for our sake. However, he has been dead for over a decade and she still acts like he’s affecting her life. She blames things that are currently actively happening on people who are dead. It follows a pattern of her perceived lack of control. She blames others for the choices she made. 

From a young age, I feel as if I have taken a lot of my mother’s burdens somehow. I think it started when my father died. My sister’s response was to run. She could drive away from her issues and get high. Meanwhile, I was too young to drive, so I was stuck at home with my mother and whatever the coping mechanism of the day was. As a result, I would often watch as she desperately tried to overcome her mental health problems. In secret, I was a therapist, gathering information. It was usually not in a full support role. It also wasn’t the role of punching bag (emotional or physical). I see the paths of time my mother and I walked down, and I know that only a few steps away is a reality much worse than this one. Instead, I usually played the role of crutch. Mom did things with me, for me. I remember going to get ice cream one time because she couldn’t be in the house anymore. It isn’t an unhappy memory. She actually found a coping mechanism. But it isn’t a happy memory either. I remember I could feel how strained she was, and not getting the help she needed.

In order to cope with these feelings, I started to spend more time with friends. I got my best friends to teach me to drive. I got a job. This allowed me to sustain living with my mother for another decade before I had to kick myself out of the house or risk a true altercation with her. 

After my a father died, I tried to tell my mother about my life. I tried to tell her about my friends, but she responded as if they were idiots more often than not. I remember her judging me for driving so far to see my friends, but it was worth it for me because they were good friends. To this day, many of those people are in my life. I think when my mother looks at my friends, compared to the friends of my siblings (who are, by and large, either gone or terrible friends), she understands why I spent so much money to keep good people around.

When I tried to tell her I was depressed and wanted to stop music lessons, she was frustrated that I was “wasting the time and money I had spent on them for so many years.” So I stopped practicing. It should have been a red flag to someone in my life, but I was so charming in person that I was able to hide the depression from just about everyone. One day I decided to ask for help with the depression, and went to my mother. I told her I wanted to get help and see a therapist. She laughed at me. When I told her I might be suicidal, she said “You don’t want to say that. Then they will take you away and put you in an institution. Do you want that?” There was only one obvious answer, according to the derision in her voice.

When I came out as bisexual at the age of 14, she said “No you’re not.” So when I came out as not-cis, she didn’t try to understand that either. Eventually, I stopped trying to tell my mother about my life. When I started seeing a therapist, I kept it a secret. When I started dating anyone, I worked to hide it as much as possible. Slowly, I shut down parts of my life from her view, trying to protect myself from the judgement and denial she threw at me.

After I moved out, I finally felt freedom. I could move where I wanted, and see who I wanted. When I went back to school, she offered for me to move back home. I laughed at the prospect. Subject myself to that again? The derision? The judgement? Never again will I live with my mother. My car is more comfortable to me than any house that comes with the price of being under her domain, even as much as she has improved lately.

After years of hiding, I was so tired. My sister outed me as a sex blogger on accident during one family thanksgiving. After that incident I just stopped hiding completely. It was more effort to hide than it was to stop caring. I began using this rule: I’ll answer any questions she asks, but whatever she learns is her problem at that point. And I will never volunteer information. My mother, through her nosiness has found out that I am kinky, have a sex blog where I write erotica, am polyamorous, love sex workers, and has even slept in my room where I proudly display items that speak to such traits.

Sometimes, she says something careless to me, and some of those old wounds are opened again. This person who should have provided love and growth used to provide primarily judgement and disdain. Instead of saying “It seems like your personality type struggles with polyamory; how are you coping?” She says “You’re not polyamorous. You’re just not.” And immediately, I am reduced to a small child in my mind, insisting that I am something I know I am, which she will not listen to. 

In the past, my mother wouldn’t just make fun of every insecurity I shared. She would weaponize them. Every tiny invalidation chipped away a little more of me. The direct hits to my heart no longer hurt like they did when I was young and confused and depressed. I know myself better now. I’ve grown now. But they can still hurt, taking chips and chunks out. Usually I can have a calm and easy conversation. But once in awhile, it feels like I’m under constant fire from her off-hand discrimination against who I am. On those days, I build a glass wall between us. “You can look, mom, but you can’t touch.” As each topic becomes a weapon, the list of things I tell her not to mention anymore grows.

I know my mother has good intentions. Though I firmly believe in impact over intent, I will not ignore the fact that my mother did (and does) the best she can. My anger with my mother is not around the things she did, or what she failed at. My anger is around how I told her to get help, and tried to get her to listen to me, but she would not. It’s not the limits of what she couldn’t do, but what she wouldn’t do. My mother lives her life scared of being hurt and abandoned. Her power over me wasn’t a weapon she used on purpose. I just had the poor luck of being sensitive, and born to a mother who couldn’t find the time or space to grow with that. I know her love for me comes out in other ways now. She supports me in the ways I let her, and she tries hard to understand the life that I’m living away from my family. She let’s me keep it separate these days. That is exactly what I need, because the place I’m in right now just means I keep remembering how I continued reaching out. I continued offering pieces of myself, silently praying for her to see me, and by seeing me, know me.

I’m spending more time thinking of all the moments she’s missed out on watching me change and grow. Instead of this distant, but loving relationship we had to work for years to get to, my mother could have had a hundred amazing conversations around how I’ve overcome my own biases, and begun living the life I always wanted. We could have talked about how I am smart enough to be cautious about falling in love, but free enough to fall hard when I do. Every moment that I tried to share is still mine, and they were never hers to criticize. I have taken them back now, and I have forgiven her. 

One day, I hope she can see how amazing my life is, and how it’s because of me. She might even be able to understand how our strained relationship shaped me. I would never say thank you for that struggle. It shouldn’t have been that way. But I am willing to say that it’s in the past and she is helping more than hurting these days.

I do love my mother, despite the crazy flaws she has, and the flaws she gave me.