Being "Good For You" and "Good To You" are Different Things

Not a review! Op ed pieces don’t have ratings from me!
So I am currently post-break-up with my longest-term partner, and I’m in a lot of pain and self-reflection. In the middle of one long conversation late at night, I had a revelation about my life and the folx who come through as partners.
Chess
My mother has often said “If you find someone who is good to you, don’t let them go because that’s rare.” I have a lot of issues with this. For one, I have had many many partners and people be really good to me. It’s hard NOT to be good to me, so why does my mother find it so rare? But the more important question is: What constitutes “good to you?”
I have experienced a few partners in my time, and they covered the spectrum. So I’m going to show you a new idea: Being “good to you” and being “good for you” are very different. And they are both important.
What is Good to You?
My first ex (let’s call him Ex A) was someone who did not make time in his schedule for me. Here are other examples of what our relationship was like:

  • I would hear from him once a week if I was lucky.
  • About a month before we broke, he got mad because I told two of his friends we were dating. (He was worried that he would be called “a breeder.” I can’t believe I didn’t break it off then, because I felt so awful about myself. He was ashamed to get me. ME.)
  • I always had to visit him and not the other way around. (We lived five states away, so this is no joke.)
  • He told me multiple times that he would pay me back, or pay for dinner and then never had the money for it.
  • Had little or no sympathy for my sadness and lonely feelings.

This ex was not good to me at all. Ex B who WAS good to me acted more like this:

  • Supportive when I cried, expressed sadness or otherwise doubted the status of my life
  • Supportive when I was mad, overwhelmed or otherwise doubted the okay-ness of my life.
  • Paid for things equally whenever possible, and paid for extra things when I needed it.
  • Helped with housework when I asked.
  • Listened and made an effort to change when I felt unappreciated.

Being good to you is something that is measured in small, everyday things that get overlooked when someone thinks about partnership. It’s a general feeling of wanting to help and care on a daily basis.
Sand Equation
So what is Good for You?
Let’s use examples again. I find they are the best way to illustrate these concepts.
So I had an ex (we’ll say Ex 1) that was good for me. He looked like this:

  • Pushed me to get my career on track.
  • Lived in an exciting place by his choice and on his dime.
  • Didn’t take my bullshit when I tried to throw it.
  • Happy to share opinions and suggestions with me, either about his life or mine.
  • Didn’t lay all his problems on me and ask me to fix them.

And I had an ex (Ex 2) who was not good for me. He looked like this:

  • Never pushed himself towards a goal.
  • Happy to stay in one place unless pushed by someone or something else.
  • Rarely had suggestions. About activities or life. Let me lead every conversation, big or small.
  • Not strongly opinionated, happy to go with the flow.
  • Got frustrated easily over small things and make large impulsive decisions to counter them.
  • Often didn’t prevent small issues from popping up through lack of foresight.

I’d like to play a game. Of these two situations, is Ex A (bad to me) Ex 1 or 2? Ex B (good to me)?
Well, it’s designed to trick you. Ex A and Ex 1 are the same person. This ex was awful to me on a personal level. He lied often and didn’t respect me as a human. Here is how it felt to me: His confusion about his sexual orientation (mostly gay) was thrown off by my gender identity (at the time). This confusion in him (plus our being poorly matched on a lot of other things) made him not good to me. However, his employment and living situation was really under his control, if a bit tight on money. That inspired me to do the same. I pursued my career more vehemently and got my feet under me, financially speaking. I owe him a lot of good in the broad strokes of my life. And I owe him a lot of bad, because his actions spurred a great deal of my second-guessing and self-esteem issues.
On the other side of that, Ex B and Ex 2 are the same person. He took care of me when I presented a problem. Sometimes he could anticipate when I was sad, and did nice things for me. He was really open about communication. He texted me Good morning and Good night every day. In short, he thought about me a lot. And when it came to his life, he thought about me too. His decisions were always to impress me. He came to me for lists of ways to improve. In a lot of ways, I felt like a therapist, and a mother figure. It was great for a long time, and then I was tired of making decisions for two people, and I needed to end it. He was great to me, but he wasn’t good for me.
Being good for someone is hard. It really involves more focus on yourself so that they don’t have to focus on you. It’s less of entwining your lives together and more spending time together. Fixing problems from one side is done by that side. Problems that come up on both are tackled evenly. When you hold yourself to a standard, you’re holding them to a standard and vice versa. When all of this happens, you are good for someone.
Being good to someone is as easy as being smitten. Think about them often. Notice the things that change each day. Did their patterns shift? That might mean something is wrong. Did they say the same thing, but in a different way than usual? That’s another indication. Make sure you pull your weight on daily interactions. Do they text you more than you text them? Either step it up, or break it up, because being evenly matched is important.
Divorce paper
“Not Good for You” is NOT the Same as “Bad for You”
This is really important to me. I want to differentiate between experiences that don’t help you and experiences that actively harm you. What is the difference and how can it change your decision to stay or leave? Ex B was in no way a bad influence on me. He didn’t impair my life in great big ways or discourage me from my career and efforts. He tried to do everything for me, and it was just exhausting to make all the standards. But he was NOT bad for me.
So what is Bad for You, if it isn’t the same as Not Good for You?

  • Discouraging your self-improvement.
  • Contradicting your self-knowledge.
  • Abusive in ANY way.
  • Holding you back/impairing your progress in life (on accident or on purpose).
  • Competition mindset.

So there’s a few things I want to address here. I am not a victim of abuse in a relationship. I have experienced parental abuse, but no other kinds. I would speak on it more, but I don’t know it, even from an academic stance, so I won’t address it further.
There is a difference between wanting to be good for your partner and wanting to be good enough. If you struggle to be good for your partner, it implies that you are improving yourself and finding ways that you can make life better. Being good enough for a partner implies that your accomplishments up to this point aren’t good enough. They are. You are good enough. That should be assumed. If there is a question, it’s time to work on yourself. Your partner will have a hard time helping you accept yourself.
I also want to talk about Competition in relationships. When I saw what a partner had (like their own place), I realized that I wanted it too. However, I didn’t want THEIR place. I didn’t want a place that was BETTER than theirs. And I did not think to myself “I will earn my place MORE than they earned theirs.” I said “This is nice. I want a place that’s good for me.” If you go in trying to one-up your partner, you will create a bad atmosphere, and often, it’s tied to a need to be good enough. Again, work on yourself. It will do wonders for your mindset.
The Successful Relationship
When I look at successful couples, I notice that they challenge each other. I’ve watched two people push each other through school when things got hard. I have seen a very successful couple fight about a comment that was not appropriate, and the one who made the comment accepted the education they received. Respect is held on both sides of the relationship. There are standards held for themselves and their partners. Their own standards are always more important (and usually higher). There is an equal desire to spend time together. I have watched successful couples look at each other and strive to be good enough for one another, without judgement or self-depreciation.
It’s possible to achieve successful relationships regardless of any mental health factors. It requires communication and a desire to connect. But if you want to achieve and maintain a relationship, be open to some suggestions. If you aren’t helping yourself, or actively rejecting the help of others, your partner won’t be able to help you, and it gets exhausting. So listen to how they feel. You may not realize what you are doing. That’s okay. Help can start anywhere, including in ignorance.

Indigo Tries the Funkit Swell

9 out of 10.
And I was heckin’ surprised about it.
A slightly opaque dildo with orange swirls is attached to the wall with a suction base. There are blinds in the background.
Pairs well with a Micky (what I call a Peach Schnapps with cranberry, after a friend). It’s fruity and a little sneaky, but really easy to handle.
Buy the Swell here! With customization!
So Kenton was having a sale one day, and I love this paddle I got from Funkit, so I said to myself “Let me try some roulette and get some mystery items.” Since it was a sale of slightly messed up toys, I put in some color preferences and a few days later, there were toys at my house! I received this in my request for orange toys and as I unwrapped it, I was a little sad.
This toy is so small. According to the website, it has about 5 3/8″ insertable length and it’s only about 1 3/8″ in diameter. The silicone is fairly firm, but still moves some when squeezed (I don’t know silicone numbers or what they mean). If I’m honest, I actually put off using this toy because I was convinced that it wouldn’t be exciting for me. I assumed that it would end up in the back of the dildo hutch and just…collect dust. And then…
A slightly opaque dildo with orange swirls sits on a teal sheet. There is a large ridge on the bottom of the dildo, and a small head to the dildo..
One day, when I was really behind on cleaning dildos, I ran out of things to try and I grabbed the Swell out of desperation. I put it in me, and I went to town as I normally do, expecting mediocre at best. I was very surprised when I came, and actually squirted using this dildo. I pulled it out. I touched it. I examined it closely. I examined the bed where a puddle was soaking into my towel and below (before I owned my Sheets of SF). It was real. This tiny, no-warm-up dildo actually made me squirt with almost no effort.
So what is happening with the Swell? When I met Kenton at Woodhull this year, he told me that the swell was an experiment just to see what the pouring process was. He didn’t expect much of it, like me. But the Swell comes with this wonderful…swell on the underside of the shaft that makes all the difference in this cock. That bit of extra pushes the head directly into my g-spot. It’s possible that I got really lucky, but this dildo fits me perfectly without warm-up.
As we all know, I am a geek for clever designs and I have a confession. I’m a huge fanboi for Kenton because of the base of his toys. They are effective suction cups, but the edges fold in such a way that it makes it easy for my hands to hold, and I even have some joint issues! The orientation of the folds is perfect every time, and I will never stop praising this design genius. I also got a butt toy (which I will be reviewing as well). Even though I own quite a few crescent plugs, Kenton’s base is without a doubt the most comfortable that’s ever gone between my cheeks. Seriously, even better than the Njoy Pure Plugs. The man is a genius. (OH MY GOD INDIGO, STOP. YOU’RE MAKING PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE.)
A hand holds a dildo so the base is clearly visible. There are two folds for easy grip on the base and it's stamped with the words "funkit."
Look, all geeking out aside, I imagine for those new to toys, this dildo would be a good fit. It’s a very manageable size, and it’s an easy to clean material. It can softly touch the g-spot and allow for some exploration of that, but it doesn’t have to (just flip it over)! The handle is very comfortable to hold and use, and it’s also a suction cup, so you can use it like any other dildo you might want to stick to a wall. Pro tip: And if you’re a pro, I would guess this is a great dildo for double penetration exploring. (Puns always intended.)
Essentially, I wasn’t sold on this funky toy (pun intended), but when I tried it, I thought it was real swell (pun intended). The only thing that sucked was the suction base (omg stop). After I squirted, I was like “Orange you glad you tried it?” (INDI-GO HOME.) I’m regularly folding this into my masturbation (F**K OFF INDIGO).
Okay, I’m done now. #sorrynotsorry

Indigo Tries a Washington Apple!

10 out of 10.
Tastes great but also will get you hammered. If you like apple pie or whiskey, this drink is for you.
So a long long time ago, I liked to hang out with some back-woods folks. I use folks with that spelling on purpose. They are (to my knowledge) about as cis-het-normative as a group of people can be. They had that simple country way of life where their kids drank at 16 (with supervision) and they hosted parties because parties are fun. It reminds me of the type of country where you sit on the front porch and look at the stars just because there’s nothing else to do. With a dash of city liberalism, and removing the racism/sexism/general oppression of anyone “other”, this is the kind of living that I really adore.
These folks had one favorite drink: The Washington Apple. So despite being on the opposite coast from Washington, this drink was abundant, and it came in a lot of different forms. Anywhere from pitcher, to chaser, to shot. So when I was 16 myself, I went to this house and we got absolutely plastered on this drink. From this night, I remember being kissed on the cheek by a “good old boy” who I would refuse to talk to if I met today, pulling a girl naked from the shower she tried to take, and cuddling between a cute girl and a cute boy as they fell asleep. These times hold a lot of conflict for me now because I’m much more aware of society, but these happy memories are in my heart and I won’t let them go.
And they have nothing to do with the drink. Back to business, Indigo!!
So the true and proper Washington Apple that I know is in single cocktail form. It begins with one ounce of Crown Royal, one half-ounce of apple sour schnapps and roughly 4-5 ounces of apple juice. The resulting cocktail has a delicious apple taste, with a nice kick from the Crown Royal. I imagine that you could add Fireball and make sort of a Washington Apple Pie.
However, my favorite thing about the Washington Apple is that this drink can easily be made in bulk, as well as into shots. Just by changing the proportions, this drink can be made and enjoyed by many folks, or it can be a pleasant cocktail you order by yourself at a bar.
This drink is smooth and sweet. Some say that it’s too sweet, and I think that’s possible. If necessary, I could see cutting the apple juice with a bit of soda water (not tonic water). This would add acid from the carbon, and also dilute the apple juice thoroughly. If you regularly find that ciders are too sweet for you (jesus, I like apple things don’t I?).

Indigo Tries Sinful Pleasure!

10 out of 10
Pairs well with a Dirty Shirley. It’s fun, fruity and delightful to drink.
The rainbow glass dildo sits horizontally on a teal bedspread.
My affiliates don’t carry it but you can find it here!
So as we all know, I love rainbows and I love glass. So when I was working at a sex toy retailer, and this fine piece of glass walked by, I immediately knew it was coming home with me. Of course, I tried to fight it. After all, I can’t buy everything that’s rainbow. OH WAIT YES I CAN AND I WILL.
SO let’s get into this piece. I had it before I was a reviewer, so I’ll have to tell you about the packaging without visual aid. It was fairly simple; laid in a plastic piece formed to its shape. That was all placed into a box and it fit cleanly. There were no extra frills or manuals or anything except what was on the box. So I assume that you’re supposed to open it and just stick it somewhere.

Indigo's hand holding a glass dildo. It's inner ribbons are blue and red , and the outer layer is rainbow-shined. It's got a bulb on one end that's about 1.5
A bonus peek of my prune-y dildo-wash hand!

I’ll start with the obvious. This piece is SO pretty. When I got it, I spent a lot of time just twisting it in the light and watching the rainbow dance. It was so much fun. If I’m honest, I still do that occasionally. As for glass integrity, this piece is awesome. I have hit this piece on wood floors, bathtub bottoms and even my Pure Wand. Never once has it chipped or even scratched. Whatever else I have to say, this company is amazing for material integrity.
I have my biases for glass toys, as we well know, and I will admit, this combination of rainbows and glass may or may not affect how much I love this toy. It’s a beautiful work of art that I frequently show off as the flashiest piece I own. It’s easy to clean (just soap and water). But does it really feel as good as others?
The short answer is absolutely. My g-spot really loves this toy, and I suspect it has everything to do with that shape, which is alarmingly perfect. The shaft of this toy is about 1″ in diameter, maybe a little less. But that head is so bulbous in comparison. It’s the perfect shape and angle to just reach in and grab my g-spot. The bulb near the bottom makes a really great stopping point. It’s not extra long, but it’s the perfect length. Occasionally, I go into challenge mode and take that extra bulb too, but it doesn’t add anything to the experience, so why bother?
I’m particularly happy with how this toy is shaped and smooth. I do produce a lot of natural lubricant, and so I’m always delighted to use this toy because I can uaully just pop it in and go without having to warm up or struggle. It’s something that I can use right after intercourse just give myself that last nudge, or I can use it before intercourse as a warm-up. This helps me partner get me off a little easier.
A rainbow glass dildo sits with one end really close to the camera.
This toy is something that I equate with the Pure Wand in one way: I know exactly how long it will take to get off and I know exactly what kind of orgasm I have. There are no surprises or new gimmicks with this toy. If I’m honest, I see that it’s not particularly innovative. But I love this toy so god damn much.
This toy was sort of an impulse buy for me. I saw rainbow and glass all in one package and I said “This is mine, it was made for me, and I’m taking it home.” It has become a universal staple in my routines, which I wasn’t expecting. However, it’s great introduction to glass, and I highly recommend it to anyone.