Indigo Tries the Funkit Pride Beat Cleaver 12"
10 out of 10
Would recommend for most people who enjoy being hit with things.
Pairs well with a neat bourbon. Specifically Wild Turkey.
CONSENT AND TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POST DISCUSSES CONSENSUAL HARM AND PUNISHMENT. THERE ARE ALSO PICTURES OF A (REALLY GREAT) BUTT WITH BRUISES ON IT FURTHER DOWN THIS POST.
So I kind of love rainbows. I wouldn’t call it a problem so much as a solution. I fucking love rainbows. So when I ran across Kenton’s work at Funkit Toys, I had to have something rainbow. SOMETHING. And since I had been using wooden spoons from Wegmans as paddles, I decided that I needed something wood. Something big. Something rainbow.
And so I whipped it out (my credit card) and I bought the Beat Cleaver 12″. It is big. It is wood. It is rainbow. And my god, does it pack a punch.
It costs $32 dollars from the shop, and it shipped to me in about two days. When I opened up the package, I definitely danced a little, and it didn’t come in any special box, so I went straight from opening to whacking my legs experimentally with it. Ah, that is the pleasure of small toy companies. No stupid blister packs to cut open.
I won’t mince words: This paddle is tough. the handle is a foot long. The hitty-part (scientific term) is another foot. For those keeping score at home, that’s 2 feet of momentum here. If you hold that handle at the very end, oh my god, there is going to be a lot of force really quickly. To mitigate that, choke up on the handle, using the section right near that hitty-part and that makes it mush more controlled.
Honestly though, that’s not the REAL reason I’m in love with this paddle. The real reason is flexibility. I seem to have an attraction to things that are two-in-one. If you hit with the flat part of this paddle, it’s likely that you’ll get stung before any real bruising can happen. It is so satisfying for me, and I love working up to getting all that stinging into my legs and butt. Also, even though I don’t really bruise, it did leave this wonderfully dark place on my butt.
However, if you used the edge of this paddle, it’s so different. Using it this way is very thuddy. Since I don’t really bruise (thanks genetics), I can’t see the effects, but I feel every hit from this side the next day. I live for the mornings where I wake up with sub-dermal bruising all over my back and thighs. These are perfect opportunities for my boyfriend to touch me and I get shivers all over from it.
I have had this paddle for about three months now and I have used it steadily. Typically, it gets used about once a week, sometimes more. Mine has shown zero wear and tear. It’s still vibrantly colored with the varnishing still intact. As far as I can tell, this paddle will be inherited by my family after I die. It will raise plenty of questions and offer few answers, I’m sure.
All in all, the versatility and longevity of this paddle make it a really great buy. I just spent some money on some silicone toys from Kenton, and I can’t wait to give them a shot!