2 out of 10
Would not really recommend.
Pairs reasonably well with Mad Dog 20/20. It’s really an exercise in the folly of youth and somewhat poor decisions.
It retails for about $13 at most Spencer’s stores. If you decide to buy it (spoiler alert; you shouldn’t), you should buy it from my friends at Wicked Butterfly.
I am very new to the scene of sex toy reviews. I didn’t know all these toys existed until a few months ago. As a result, I had a really hard time writing this review. But I attacked it from a personal space and a sex toy reviewer space.
Let me cover a few bases first:
Pipedream has some really sketchy advertising. I do not condone it in the slightest, and I considered myself a feminist, even if I’m not always feminine. It is a large part of the reason that I cannot recommend this product for anyone to use.
Pipedream has not answered this in a satisfactory way. They continue to stand behind their decisions, and they justify them with “Men want what men want.” Thank you Pipedream. I’m glad you feel the need to give children extra candy because they also want what they want. Just sayin’.
The CEO of Pipedream does not care what the toys are made of because he is quoted as saying consumers don’t care. As a result, how can you be sure the toys are phthalate-free? How do you know %100 that you won’t wake up with a rash? I will never trust Pipedream with insertable toys for this reason. If they think I don’t care, how will they care?
Alright, have we established that Pipedream is not a company to be supported? Good. Let’s move on to the actual review.
The Neon Luv Touch line is a product that has been around for many years. I know this because this was the first vibrator I ever bought. That’s right. Numero Uno. About 8 years ago. Let’s start with back-story.
Eleven years ago, I had my first orgasm from my own hands while I watched some Hentai that’s probably not anywhere on the internet anymore. My curiosity set in when I heard about Hentai from some older kids in my middle school. I thought this sounded fun and went home to look it up on my computer. I was immediately excited, and I cleared the browser history before I went to bed. I explored my genitals through thin underwear, and I came fairly quickly. I was hooked immediately.
It took me another 3 years to buy a sex toy to aid in my sexual exploration. I spent those four years exploring my clitoris, vagina and G-spot (which I wouldn’t have a name for until years later). I decided I wanted something new in my vagina, as fingers were getting a tad redundant (it’s hard to reach one’s own G-spot consistently without aid). After buying one at the local Spencer’s, it would take another month before I had the house to myself in order to actually use it. (Side note: I was so nervous after using it that I went to my gynecologist specifically to check that I hadn’t hurt myself on accident with this new toy.)
I pulled out my vibrator for the first time and I used it, putting it wherever it felt good. On my clit. In my vagina. It did not take long for me to orgasm, and I knew I needed more of this sensation. For the next four years, the Neon Vibe was my only sex toy. I say my only one, but really I mean only product. I bought about 5 of these over the years (I’m so ashamed).
I’m not exaggerating. These “waterproof” toys did not react well to the juices of my vagina. They broke down after about 9 months of solid use (not even in bathtub, much to my disappointment). Sometimes, they died immediately. Sometimes they held out for an extra month or two. For me, it was a yearly routine. Dick broke, so I picked up Victor. Then it was Richard (because I’m not clever), T.K. (named after my Digimon crush), and Slimer (because it was GREEN).
Now you might be saying: “If this toy had so many negatives, why did you recommend it at ALL, Indigo? You know, you can give something a zero if you want. It’s YOUR review site.”
You’re right. I absolutely fucking CAN give anything I want a zero. But despite the overwhelming negatives, there are also positive traits to this toy.
First of all, the colors are really great. I picked a new one every time, including Yellow, Orange and Green, which are all hard colors to find in the sex toy industry. I get tired of Pink and Purple being the only choices. Though I like both of these colors, they come with annoying connotations, and I like rainbows the best. Why can’t I just have rainbow everything?
Second, the controls of this toy are simple and intuitive. There’s a wheel that starts turned entirely counter-clockwise. If you turn it clockwise, you can feel a click and it turns on. With every click, it gets stronger. At it’s strongest, the vibrations were impeccable to my inexperienced vagina. However, looking back, I notice the memories of numbness that are often associated with “buzzy” vibrations, as opposed to “rumbly” ones. This is indicative to how low my standards were at the time.
Thirdly, the price is incredibly accessible. I bought mine as a stupid teenager looking for a new sensation. 13 bucks was easy to find from my weekend job, and getting to the Spencer’s to buy it was both easy, and discreet. I just went to the mall with my friends. My mother never thought to look in the black bag.
As a first-time vibrator, this line will always have a special place in my heart. I loved that first one with all it’s Orange-y goodness. The ones that came after did not disappoint those low standards. However, we must all grow and learn. After many years of supporting Pipedream, I can no longer condone their work. Please don’t buy this piece of novelty crap.
As a side note, I also bought this bullet from them as well. It’s strong enough to get me off, and I generally pair it with some kind of dildo. Again, I do not support Pipedream, but this was my first use of a bullet and it served me for that purpose, I guess.
2 out of 10